The last conversation 07/02/2015

I don't understand love, I don't understand relationship and I most likely don't understand commitment and what it means to be committed to a relationship.
While doing chores, and scanning my nephew's artwork for my sister, I came across his father's card to his dad, it says, "I love you because you buy ice cream. Also you let me get candy, also I love you because you let me almost play game for a hour."
How cute, and naive. How adorable and simple. Kids don't really understand what love is, and I feel like even at the age of 20, I still don't understand what love is.



Initially, I planned to light 100 candles at the park as an apology to confess to him my discovery in my mistake, and my apologies, wanting to get him back, and tell him I want to treat him right this time. No more pain, no more sorrow and emotional unnecessary arguments. Despite how tired I was from one whole day of plane transferring, I stilled pulled off with it, with the help of my friends, who helped me obtain the candles and the lighters.

I scouted for the perfect location where there is less wind (since park usually are extremely windy at night). It took about half an hour to find a location where the candles would stay lit,

Despite the fact that I was super exsuasted, jet lagged, I still went out of my way and lit the candles (which according to the packaging would last 4-5 hours) and drove to Pablo's house, planning to call him out the house, and take him to the park where I'd tell him my apologies only to find out that he isn't home, and that furthermore, he didn't pick up my phone call. Then as I went on facebook, I realized he deleted me off of facebook too, which got me crying. My last trace of him is now gone as well, as the only relatiopnship we have online is having 109 mutual friends. Someone who I tagged in so many post, all of a sudden, stranger again. The sadness just pierced through my heart like a sword.

I couldn't handle any of that, I texted him, "Pablo, can we talk" "Please."
And thinking that he probably most likely wouldn't reply, because he usually replies almost immediately, but later at 1am replied with, "No sorry, there is nothing to talk about, take care, bye."
Half of me was glad he at least replied but the other half knew that was it, it was over.

I didn't know what to do, and that night I decided the only way to see him one last time was to go to his work. Driving from west covina 2 hours earlier than his expected off work time in case of traffic or any other circumstance that will lead me to miss him, and from there I waited for him to get off of work, hoping that everything will turn out alright.

Right when I saw a familiar backpack, I quickly power walked towards him, just as he closed his trunk, I grabbed his arm and held it as close to me as possible. My heart beated super fast, I could barely breath, what's wrong with me? Right when I grabbed him he jumped, from not expecting me to be back from Mexico, and he said that I was the last thing on his mind (from 1-99 he said I was like the 99th thing there.) that he was thinking about work and what he needs to do later today on his to do list, and all of a sudden I showed up.

He looked around seemingly like he didn't want others he know to see this so I asked if we could talk somewhere else (was planning to anyways), and he thought for a bit and said okay and together we drove (separately) to the nearby park.

While driving there I shook, I didn't know what I was going to say to him. All the things I have that I wanted to say all of a sudden disappear when I saw him and held his arm by my side. He makes my head go blank, as crazy as that sound.
While driving there I called Irene in panic, didn't know what to say or what to do. When we parked, we both sat in the car for a bit before exiting. It seemed like one of those slow motion dramatic moments.
From there we walked to a shaded bench, I walked far apart from him, felt so distant, something I am not used to. Still confused about how to start the conversation, how to start everything.
===

Pablo told me recently (last Thursday when I met with him 07/02/2015) that he lost the feeling of love, in the very beginning of the relationship. He didn't know when, or how, but he told me at some point in time he just stopped loving me.

Then I asked him why did he continue through with the relationship, even despite the break ups. And he replies by telling me that, he initially thought that it'd be okay if he just cared for me, just continued to care, continue to try, but then every time we argue, he realizes that it isn't working, that I am asking for way more than he can give, way more than his care can afford.

And it's true, I ask for a lot, that usually I can't even give that much myself, I just expect rather than give back, rather than think about how the others feel, think about how he feels.

He then referenced it to the last argument we had right before the breakup. The souvenir break up, where he blames himself for not being able to go out of the way to get me something nicer as a souvenir rather than a free shirt. That he doesn't love me enough to buy me something nice (I feel like he was referencing to his colleague, who got me a penguin key chain because I asked him to get me something, but the thing is that isn't love, getting someone nicer thing isn't love, it's not about the quality of the item but the meaning behind getting someone something). But honestly, the reason for the argument and me being upset that day was because I was conflicted over my feelings, confused, and conflicted. Then when he picked up the penguin that his collegue got me that was on the side of the car, because I didn't know where to place it yet, I recalled the fact that he hasn't given me his souvenirs yet, and it was late. And I began to give him unnecessary attitude over it, over the fact that normal people don't have to wait three, four weeks and then have to ask for their sourvienirs, usually it's just given. I was so overwhelmed by my negative thoughts that I ignored his feelings completely.

He was slient for a few moment before he said that he didn't know where he placed them. And that only got me more into the negative feelings I already have that overwhelmed me.

Pablo just stood there, and I just looked away angrily. How hurt he must have felt from all my comments, from all my negative energy I give out.

I told him forget it and that just go back in, because at that time I had to go grab dinner with my friends from high school, but then little did I know he went to look for the sourvirns at the trunk of his car.
He didn't forget about them, because at time he'd tell me the souvieirs are still in his car, but just he is a bit forgetful sometimes and he have been busy with me, his work and school of course he wouldn't have the time, and what it's not like the gifts are going anywhere, I don't know why I always have to be so angry at things.
Pablo came back later to my surprise because I thought he had already left home, but he had a shirt in one hand and a cup in another.
Pablo got me an extra shirt from maker faire*, a shirt in which I recall he loved to wear because it was soft and would always brag about. And I wasn't upset because he got me a free shirt, I was upset at what he said later, that he lost my shirt and he have to give me the one he already wore. And from there I made a huge fuss about it and cried when I could've just used my words. Stupidity I know.
My princess attitude usually gets the best of me, and I hated that about me, that it always gets the best of me without my control. And then later gets me in trouble. And I \never learn.
The next gift was from San Diego, when he went to a game over there, at the Petco Park. I recall him saying there's something important about the cup  when we were phoning one day, that I probably wouldn't know but he didn't really go into details. But anyways I got so upset that I forgot to thank him for going out of his way in the first place to get me something.
I forgot the essencial thank you for getting me a gift, instead I got upset.
Then from there he sat down on the side of my car and told me that "I think you should go find someone else, someone else who care for you more than me, because obviously I don't care for you enough to get you something nice, I can't even go the extra mile to get you something decent."
Did he mistook my upset over the fact that he lost my shirt as a upset over the fact he think he gave me something crappy? Because honestly I wasn't mad over the shirt. (well I was, but for a whole completely different reason)

And from there the break up happened.

Sure anyone can get me somthing nice, heck I can get something nice for people I don't care about because they really want it or something like that, but to put thoughts into the gift? To bring something back means a lot already.
I got too overwhelmed by my negativity to realize the initial importance, that he thought of me enough to get me something back.
I mean look at me during CES, did I get him something nice? No, I got him a lanyard, a freaking lanyard and that's it, yet he was happy.
Happiness should be simple, should be easy, should be something shared and doesn't need more to acquire.

What moved me was he said, "I really did try to make it work. I really did try." And I know he did, that's the thing.
I felt it, but he didn't feel anything from me. Perhaps random act of kindness here and there, but if we were to put the amount of things I did and amount of things he did, he would probably be the brick of gold, and mine would be the flick of feather.

He apologized to me for not breaking up with me earlier, lingering for so long, making me more emotionally attached to him than I would've been if he broke it off earlier. But I was glad this all happened, that he didn't break it off until now, that we experienced so much together.
I had so much happy times with him that I didn't mind. I loved the times I spent with him just as much as I regretted the times where I didn't appreciate him.

I then asked him, then why beg for my forgiveness at the time when I was trying to break off with him? Why try so hard to get me back then?
He told me he didn't want to end it at a bad note, that he didn't want to end it with him being at fault, ending it like that would make him feel bad, and he doesn't like ending things in bad note.

In our talk, I also asked him why he deleted me off of Facebook and he chuckled a bit and said, "is that what you were worried about?"
The mood of the conversation suddenly got lighter with the chuckle, "Well, no not that but well yes."
He then explained that it was nothing personal , it was just the matter of fact that he had attachment with me, and he didn't want to see my name pop up on his Facebook. Although he long unfollowed me, (because he doesn't like seeing me tagging myself in places making him feel insecure and what not when its unnecessary, and that's why when he wants to know where I am he looks at my profile instead of his news feed) he wants to completely cut off from me. He said that he doesn't believe in being friends with his ex, and that he was never friends with his other exs, so he isn't going to make the exception for me (even though initially he said we could be friends, what a liar. but I get where he's coming from).
From there the conversation got a bit lighter, I don't remember much of the conversation detail since its been three days or so, but I just know it wasn't uncomfortable. I asked him if he feels uncomfortable about this meet up he said no, nor the conversation.

But when I hugged him and begged him for the relationship back, well more like semi reasoned the relationship with him he said no all the way and pushed me away, telling me to not touch him. He said that the only reason he is here to talk to me is because he wants to answer any question that I have to ask, any left over questions I have and that he is just being way too nice, and that he doesn't feel anything for me anymore or want anything to do with me anymore.
And that he doesn't want the relationship, not this one, not a relationship either.
And that I need to stop touching him.
That he have changed, and he have set his priority, and that this isn't in his priority right now. That he wants to focus on other things.
And that he is no longer the Pablo he was two weeks ago, that he was no longer the Pablo then. That he changed.
He said that he have gone back from his words too many times, and he wants to finally stick with something, that he wants to finally stand by something he says or decide in.
It hurts, because of all that he said, because I want to be the exception, I want to go back to his arm, and I want him to take me back, I want so much I miss his hugs, miss his comfort and miss him telling me everything is going to be okay.
He changed his hairstyle, and now his attitude towards things, although he is still the Pablo I know, the distance scares me. I am not a big fan of changes, that's why when this all happened, I panicked.
I wish this would just be like the other time. I hated myself for telling myself to give him space.
Then I begin to think stupid thoughts like I always have, thoughts that doesn't make sense, and are worst, but I just think about it anyways. What if I continued to beg him the first week we broke up? Then what are the chances we'd get back together, why did I have to reflect upon myself and tell myself not to talk to him?
He told me that very first day, he cried the whole night, he let all his emotions out, and then that week and the week following he grieved and got over me.
If I refleted and then talked to him right after instead of waiting till I get back from mexico, would it all have been different?
Cindy told me to give him space, but I feel like space only made us further. Perhaps he would've done the same thing regardless, not take me back, but I don't know. There's just so much what if going through my head then.

====
maker faire*:Maker Faire is an all-ages gathering of tech enthusiasts, crafters, educators, tinkerers, hobbyists, engineers, science clubs, authors, artists, students, and commercial exhibitors. All of these “makers” come to Maker Faire to show what they have made and to share what they have learned.
(http://makerfaire.com/makerfairehistory/)

Written on 07/02/2015: 下一頁的我, The Next Page of Me.

下一頁的我

Thank you for waking up at 5am to take me to the airport one last time after our breakup.
Despite everything that have happened you are still nice to me, I don't deserve you.

Written on 07/02/2015
06說想你，說我以前沒有好好的珍惜你都太晚了。我們已經都變成過去式了。說聲對不起只能填一填傷口的結疤。要是我真的覺得你有那麼重要那我就不會那麼不尊重你的一言一語，我也不會對你大驚小怪的。實話說的直一點，你已經給過我不知道多少機會了。而我只把你說的都當成耳邊風。我以為我們是一輩子的，但是我都沒發覺你有多麼多麼的不快樂。我不知道我傷了你多少次了你還是會默默的原諒我。我回想了一下，你到底是看上我的那裡？我很愛罵你，很愛在你前面說你的壞話，什麼是我都經常說是你的錯，還愛說一些讓你感受到沒安全感的話。害你自尊心都悲傷了，安全感也沒了，還要逼的跟我嗆，而且還要被我臭罵一頓。我看起來真的不值得你的原諒。在一起那麼久了，我還沒有自己知覺，真的很想揍自己。你實實都依著我，我想去哪裡，我想做什麼事你都陪我，我要辦事時要是你有空你會陪我，我很無聊想要聊天時，要是你能，你也會用你保貴的時間來陪我在電話上聊天，或者陪我簡訊一整天要是你沒空的話。你讓我踩在你的頭上，讓我每次都不知不覺的踩的太過頭，害你感到悲哀跟傷痛。現在的我，有什麼資格要求你回到我的身邊？現在的我哪有什麼資格再問你願不願意跟我再重新開始？整個墨西哥的程旅滿腦子都是你，都在回想我們做過的事，我們說過的話，我們在一起的時候，然後我就會坐在角落單單和回想跟自責。自責當初沒有好好的對你，沒有好好的珍惜你。現在已經太晚了。像那首歌說的一樣，好的事情也總然需要結束。可能我們不是命中注定要在一起吧。
我以為我們會走的更遠，我以為我們沒事的，可是我都忘記停一下去看你到底高不高興，看一下我怎麼對待你的。我都估率了你的感受，我只有估率自己的感受。我好恨我當初的決定。愛應該是大方的，是不能逼迫的。有句名言說，要是你愛一個人的話，你就得放他走，要是他寧願回來，那就是屬於你的，可是要是他不回來的話那麼他從原本就不屬於你的，而你得讓他走。我好恨那句詞，因為我不懂為什麼。對我來說，愛一個人是自私的，我怎麼能說放就放？不能啊，哪有那麼簡單啊。尤其是看到對方終於有了個新的女朋友，心裏總是會痛。在嘴巴明明說說會祝他們幸福可是心裏還不是會痛的要命。我真的不懂愛，我也真的不想懂。愛好複雜，好亂。可以讓一個人失去理智，變成白癡，何必勒。我愛唸，愛把每件小事都怪在你的頭上，愛計較，愛跟你吵架，把不需要吵架無理頭的小事都變成大事，小事大鬧。我又愛跟你頂嘴，吵架都非虛我贏，還真的愛跟你吵的每天都你死我活，每天都至少會聽你說對不起，因為你都讓我贏。我好恨自己沒有好好的珍惜你，現在的我，已經太晚了，沒有這個福氣去珍惜你。我好恨自己恨我等了這麼久才發現，才自覺。我恨我當初開始沒對你好。害你每次都得和我道歉，就算是我的錯也是你道歉。在世上沒有一個人能應付我的脾氣。可是你就能，你的溫柔，慈悲，貼心，跟耐心都用在我的身上，而我卻還是欺負你，踏在你的頭上，害你每次受傷。我值得今天的下場，失去你的下場。
現在的我們連朋友都當不成，而當時以前的我們有說不完的話，比好朋友更親。
雖然我們現在連朋友都不如，但願有一天我跟你有緣能再度從新開始，但願你有一天會回頭再給我一次機會讓我好好的對你。好好的愛你。因為現在的我不值得得到你的愛。現在的我已經失去讓你愛我的資格。17
不屬於我的幸福我還是不要碰不要求，不然最後受傷的還是我。可能這輩子的我不值得擁有幸福。

So I am too lazy to translate it all to english, and asked my friend, Google translate for help, so don't mind some things not making sense...
I will be correcting some that are really out and doesn't make sense, but don't expect it all to make sense since this was orignally posted so my friends wouldn't understand what I am saying since they don't speak Chinese, or can't read Chinese.

I miss you, but I was too late to realize that I didn't cherish you when I should've.
We have already became past tense.
Saying sorry will only lick the wound scars
If I really think you are so important to me,
then I would've respected you,
 I would've not have fussed.
Honestly straight to the point, you've given me so many chances.
And yet all the chances seems as if it just goes in one side of the brain and comes out the other.
I thought we were once a forever, but I have not noticed how much unhappy you were.
I do not know how many times I hurt you and that you forgave me silently.
I thought for a moment, I fancy you in the end there?
I love to yell, love to throw shade at you, I often blame things saying that they're your fault when they really aren't, and often shouldn't even be blamed, and worst of all, keep making you insecure.
I harm your self esteem, make it that there is no sense of security, and also force you into unnecessary fights with me.
I look really do not deserve your forgiveness.
Together so long, how can I be so blind to all of this?
Honestly, you were always there for me, and go with me accompanying me on where I want to go, what I want to do. When I have errands to run, when I need to get things done, if you're free you'd always keep me company. When I am bored I want to chat, if you can, you also you will use the valuable time of yours to chat with me on the phone , or via text with me all day if you do not have the time for a call.
You let me step over your head so often, that every time I unknowingly stepped on too far and hurt you. Now, I'm asking you to come back? Who am i kidding?
Now how can I ask you? what qualifications do I have to ask for you back, and what in the world will make you want to come back and start over with me?
During the trip to mexico, all I can think of were memories of us, what we have said, what we did when we were together, and then I'll just sit in the corner and recall with remorse. How I regret not cherishing you.
Now it is too late. Like one of the song I used to love long ago, "good things would always come to an end."Perhaps we are not destined to be together.
I thought we would go further, I think we all right, but I have forgotten pause once in a while to see if you were happy, if you were alright. look at how I treated you.
 I  forgot to stop to care for your feelings. Love should be generous, not persecution.

There is a saying that if you love someone, you have to let him go, if he would prefer to come back, it is yours, but if he does not come back, then he was never yours to begin with, and you have to let him go.
Oh how I hate that phrase, because I do not know why. For me, love a person is selfish, how can I forgive and forget? Sure it sounds easy, that one will be happy and wish the other the best, but then when the other is finally in a new relationship, you'd always be in pain, in pain of how they moved on before you, in pain of what was yours now is offically gone for good.
Love can make a person lose control, make a person crazy and make a person stupid.
I love to blame you for things, love quarrel with you, the little things do not need to fight unreasonably, making small things big. I love to talk back to you, quarrel, and it's true.

Everytime we fight, you'd almost always end up being the one saying sorry, because you have to let me win or else I'd grump for the rest of the day. How I hate how I didn't cherish you, now its too late for me to cherish you.

No one in the world can cope with my temper. But you can, your gentle, compassionate, caring, and patience, but I would still bully you, step on your head and pain you.
Today I deserve how the chapter ended, with me losing you.
Now we can not even be friends, despite the fact that we used to talk about everything, and had endless conversation about stupid things.
Although we are no longer friends, I hope one day by fate we can start over again.
I hope one day you will come back to give me a chance to let me treat you right this time around. Because now I do not deserve your love. Now I've lost my qualifications make you love me.
I do not deserve this so called thing called happiness,


====Then there's the Greek verison I google translated for fun.06 Όπως είπατε, ότι δεν είχα να σας αγαπάμε πάρα πολύ αργά. Έχουμε γίνει όλοι σε παρελθόντα χρόνο. Λυπάμαι να πω μόνο γεμίσει ένα ουλές πλήρωσης τραύματος. Εάν πραγματικά νομίζετε ότι είναι τόσο σημαντικό το γεγονός ότι δεν θα ήμουν έτσι δεν σέβονται τον λόγο σου μιλήσει, δεν θα έχετε φασαρία. Ειλικρινά ευθεία το σημείο, έχετε μου δίνεται η ευκαιρία δεν ξέρω πόσο. Και λέω σε όλους σας έπεσε σε κουφά αυτιά. Νόμιζα ότι ήταν μια ζωή, αλλά δεν έχω παρατηρήσει πόσο δυστυχισμένο. Δεν ξέρω πόσες φορές έχω να σας βλάψει ή θα με συγχωρήσετε σιωπηλά. Σκέφτηκα για μια στιγμή, θα σας άρεσε η ιδέα στο τέλος εκεί; Καλώ αγαπώ, αγάπη μπροστά σας πω άσχημα πράγματα, αυτό που έχω πει πολλές φορές ότι είναι το ελάττωμά σας, αλλά και την αγάπη για να πω κάτι που θα σας κάνει να αισθάνονται ανασφαλείς λέξεις. Βλάψει την αυτοεκτίμησή σας είναι λυπηρό, δεν υπάρχει καμία αίσθηση της ασφάλειας, καθώς επίσης και αναγκάστηκαν να μου πνίξει, αλλά επίσης μου έδωσε να είναι. Περιμένω πραγματικά δεν αξίζουν συγχώρεση σας. Μαζί τόσο καιρό, εγώ δεν κάνω τη δική της αντίληψη, πραγματικά ήθελε να χτυπήσει τον εαυτό του. Πραγματικά σας ανάλογα με εμένα, θέλω να πάω, θέλω να κάνω κάτι που είναι μαζί μου, όταν θέλω να εργαστώ, αν έχετε χρόνο, θα με συνοδεύσει, βαριέμαι θέλω να συνομιλήσετε, αν μπορείτε, επίσης, θα χρησιμοποιήσει τον πολύτιμο χρόνο τους μαζί μου για το chat του τηλεφώνου, SMS ή μαζί μου όλη την ημέρα αν δεν κενά λόγια. Μπορείτε επιτρέψτε μου βήμα στο κεφάλι σας, έτσι ώστε κάθε φορά που εν αγνοία τους πάτησε πολύ μακριά και να βλάψουν αισθάνεστε λυπημένος με θλίψη. Τώρα, σας ρωτάω τι ακριβώς πίσω σε μένα; Τώρα, πώς μπορώ να σας ρωτήσω ποια είναι τα προσόντα και θα ήμουν πρόθυμος να ξαναρχίσουν; Μεξικό ταξίδι γεμάτο νου καθ 'όλη τη διαδικασία που είναι εκ των υστέρων κάναμε, είπαμε, ήμασταν μαζί, και στη συνέχεια θα καθίσει ακριβώς στη γωνία και να υπενθυμίσει με τύψεις. ΕΧΕ δεν λαμβάνουν την κατάλληλη για εσάς, δεν αγαπάμε. Τώρα είναι πολύ αργά. Όπως λέει το τραγούδι, όπως, τα καλά πράγματα είναι πάντα φυσική ανάγκη να τερματιστεί.Ίσως δεν προορίζονται να είναι μαζί τώρα.Νόμιζα ότι θα προχωρήσουμε περαιτέρω, νομίζω ότι όλοι δίκιο, αλλά έχω ξεχάσει παύση να σας δούμε στο τέλος υψηλή δυστυχισμένο, κοιτάξτε πώς θα αντιμετωπίζονται. Εκτιμώ ότι ο ρυθμός των συναισθημάτων σας, το μόνο που εκτιμούν το ποσοστό των συναισθημάτων τους. Έχω Haohen αρχική απόφασή μου.Η αγάπη πρέπει να είναι γενναιόδωρη, δεν διώξεις. Υπάρχει ένα ρητό που λέει ότι αν αγαπάς κάποιον, θα πρέπει να τον αφήσει να πάει, αν θα προτιμούσε να έρθει πίσω, είναι δική σας, αλλά αν δεν έρθει πίσω, τότε που δεν είχε ανήκει σε σας, και θα πρέπει να τον αφήσει πάει.Έχω Haohen φράση λέξη, γιατί δεν ξέρω γιατί. Για μένα, η αγάπη ένα πρόσωπο είναι εγωιστής, πώς μπορώ να πω Fangjiu Fang; Δεν Αχ, πώς τόσο απλό Αχ. Ειδικά για να δείτε την άλλη πλευρά έχει τελικά μια νέα κοπέλα, η καρδιά μου θα είναι πάντα πόνο. Στο στόμα θα μιλήσει προφανώς για να τους ευχηθώ ευχάριστη θέση, αλλά η καρδιά μου δεν ήταν κακό τρομερά.Πραγματικά δεν ξέρω την αγάπη, εγώ πραγματικά δεν θέλουν να ξέρουν. Ενδιαφέροντα περίπλοκη χάος. Μπορεί να κάνει ένα άτομο να χάσει τον έλεγχο γίνεται ένας ηλίθιος, γιατί Le.Μου αρέσει να διαβάζω, αγαπούν να κατηγορούν κάθε μικρό πράγμα στο κεφάλι σας, μεράκι, αγάπη διαμάχη μαζί σου, τα μικρά πράγματα δεν χρειάζεται να αγωνιστούμε παράλογο κεφάλι έχουν γίνει ένα σημαντικό γεγονός, ασήμαντες σειρά. Μου αρέσει να μιλήσω μαζί σας, η διαμάχη είναι αλήθεια ότι κέρδισε, πραγματικά αγαπώ τσακωθεί με τη ζωή και το θάνατο κάθε μέρα, κάθε μέρα τουλάχιστον να σας ακούσω να πω ότι λυπάμαι, γιατί θα πρέπει να επιτρέψτε μου να κερδίσει. Έχω Haohen ότι δεν σας αγαπάμε, τώρα, πολύ αργά, δεν έχετε αυτήν την καλή τύχη να αγαπάμε. Μισώ τον εαυτό μου Haohen Περίμενα τόσο καιρό να το βρείτε συνειδητά. Μισώ ότι δεν είχα ξεκινήσει στο Hello. Ο καθένας είχε να σας βλάψει και ζητώ συγγνώμη, ακόμη και αν ήταν δικό μου λάθος, αλλά επίσης να ζητήσω συγνώμη από εσάς. Κανείς στον κόσμο δεν μπορεί να αντιμετωπίσει με ψυχραιμία μου. Αλλά μπορείτε, σας απαλή, συμπονετικός, φροντίδα και υπομονή χρησιμοποιούνται στο σώμα μου, αλλά ήμουν ακόμα νταής σας, πάτησε το κεφάλι σας και να σας σκοτώσει κάθε φορά τραυματισμό. Σήμερα αξίζει στο τέλος, θα καταλήξετε να χάσει.Τώρα δεν μπορούμε ακόμη και τους φίλους δεν τα καταφέρουμε, και στη συνέχεια, πριν έχουμε πολλά να συζητήσουμε, πιο κοντά από ό, τι οι φίλοι.Αν και δεν είμαστε ακόμα φίλοι, όπως, ελπίζω μια μέρα να σας πω και πάλι προορίζονται για να ξεκινήσει και πάλι, ελπίζω ότι μια μέρα θα έρθει πίσω για να μου δώσει μια ευκαιρία να επιτρέψτε μου να έχουν ένα καλό για σας. Καλή σας αρέσει. Επειδή τώρα δεν αξίζει την αγάπη σας. Τώρα έχω χάσει τα προσόντα μου σας κάνουν να αγαπήσετε.Δεν ανήκω στην ευτυχία μου δεν ήταν να αγγίξει δεν απαιτείται, ή το τελευταίο πράγμα που τραυματίστηκε. Ίσως δεν αξίζω αυτή τη ζωή είναι να έχουμε μια ευτυχισμένη.

Chapter 1: First Post of the New Blog, Beginning of the Chapter.

I have a total of three blogs, however, this blog is going to be called the next of me, hopefully this blog will infuse all of my emotions, feelings, and thoughts through the break up to make me a better person.

Recently, three weeks ago, my boyfriend broke up with me, making me realize a lot of things I fail to see in the past. Making me see a lot of things I don't morally wrong in the past, making me see how much of an asshole I was and how much I deserved this break up.

And so for the upcoming days, and months, this is going to be the blog I am going to use to grief through and make decisions on how I am going to move on.

The chances of this blog going anywhere is slim. This is pretty much a blog for me myself and I as I progress through life. The next page of me, which is the url of the page is created off of a song that's been stuck in my head since the beginning of this week ish. And it truly expresses part of how I am feeling.

It's based off of this song called 下一頁的我 or The Next Page of Me (see the reference?), the song is by 王心凌Cyndi Wang, with the lyrics below.

收錄專輯：黏黏黏黏(2011-05)演出者：王心凌詞/易家揚 曲/水野良樹就要出發 是嗎 這問題困擾著我是個可能吧 或許想太多 有的夢不去做好可惜我害怕嗎 有點 孤單很痛的對不對我得放下 翻開這一頁 沒時間想過去
心中會怕才問自己 那些曾經的話語謝謝是你讓我有天空和明天 學會獨立站在未知的泥土裡 看我勇敢的深呼吸黑的夜 我不怕 天空很大 像在說 不能哭
下一頁的我 會去哪裡 用多大的勇氣所有夢裡面的風雨 我不怕那是我的試題下一頁的我 希望能擁有 美麗的明天所以這次我送走從前 因為我 看的見

擔心什麼 去吧 愛讓人哭真對不起之前的回憶 握在掌心裡 它讓我 再苦也肯努力耳邊的風 吹吧 讓我聽見新消息在旅途上 愛是氧氣 讓我越來越肯定
心中會怕才問自己 那些曾經的話語謝謝是你讓我有天空和明天 學會獨立站在未知的泥土裡 看我勇敢的深呼吸黑的夜 我不怕 天空很大 像在說 不能哭
下一頁的我 會去哪裡 用多大的勇氣所有夢裡面的風雨 我不怕那是我的試題下一頁的我 希望能擁有 美麗的明天所以這次我送走從前 因為我 看的見
寓言藏在我心中 相信它吧 往前衝我的路 我就一定讓它走成幸福那些作了的夢忘了嗎 那些萬分之一的也許不用說 我還是我 約定怎樣寂寞也不能哭看吧 下大雨也不認輸 請讓我 學長大
下一頁的我 會去哪裡 用多大的勇氣所有夢裡面的風雨 我不怕那是我的試題下一頁的我 希望能擁有 美麗的明天所以這次我送走從前 因為我 看的見所有夢裡面的風雨 我不怕那是我的試題下一頁的我 希望能擁有 美麗的明天所以這次我送走從前 因為我 看的見

Pinyin Lyrics

jiù yào chū fā shì mǎ zhè wèn tí kùn rǎo zhù wǒ
shì gè kě néng ba huò xū xiǎng tài duō
yǒu de mèng bù qù zuò hǎo kě xī
wǒ hài pà mǎ yǒu diǎn gū shàn hěn tòng de duì bù duì
wǒ dé fàng xià fān kāi zhè yī yè méi shí jiān xiǎng guò qù
xīn zhōng huì pà cái wèn zì jǐ nà xiē céng jīng de huà yǔ
xiè xiè shì nǐ ràng wǒ yǒu tiān kōng hé míng tiān xué huì dú lì
zhàn zài wèi zhī de ní tǔ lǐ kàn wǒ yǒng gǎn de shēn hū xī
hēi de yè wǒ bù pà tiān kōng hěn dà xiàng zài shuì bù néng kū
xià yī yè de wǒ huì qù nǎ lǐ yòng duō dà de yǒng qì
suǒ yǒu mèng lǐ miàn de fēng yǔ wǒ bù pà nà shì wǒ de shì tí
xià yī yè de wǒ xī wàng néng yōng yǒu měi lì de míng tiān
suǒ yǐ zhè cì wǒ sòng zǒu cóng qián yīn wéi wǒ kàn de jiàn
dān xīn shén mó qù ba ài ràng rén kū zhēn duì bù qǐ
zhī qián de huí yì wò zài zhǎng xīn lǐ
tā ràng wǒ zài kǔ yě kěn nǔ lì
ěr biān de fēng chuī ba ràng wǒ tīng jiàn xīn xiāo xī
zài lǚ tú shàng ài shì yǎng qì ràng wǒ yuè lái yuè kěn dìng
xīn zhōng huì pà cái wèn zì jǐ nà xiē céng jīng de huà yǔ
xiè xiè shì nǐ ràng wǒ yǒu tiān kōng hé míng tiān xué huì dú lì
zhàn zài wèi zhī de ní tǔ lǐ kàn wǒ yǒng gǎn de shēn hū xī
hēi de yè wǒ bù pà tiān kōng hěn dà xiàng zài shuì bù néng kū
xià yī yè de wǒ huì qù nǎ lǐ yòng duō dà de yǒng qì
suǒ yǒu mèng lǐ miàn de fēng yǔ wǒ bù pà nà shì wǒ de shì tí
xià yī yè de wǒ xī wàng néng yōng yǒu měi lì de míng tiān
suǒ yǐ zhè cì wǒ sòng zǒu cóng qián yīn wéi wǒ kàn de jiàn
yù yán zàng zài wǒ xīn zhōng xiāng xìn tā ba wǎng qián chōng
wǒ de lù wǒ jiù yī dìng ràng tā zǒu chéng xìng fú
nà xiē zuò le de mèng wàng le mǎ nà xiē wàn fēn zhī yī de yě xū
bù yòng shuì wǒ huán shì wǒ yuē dìng zěn yàng jì mò yě bù néng kū
kàn ba xià dà yǔ yě bù rèn shū qǐng ràng wǒ xué cháng dà
xià yī yè de wǒ huì qù nǎ lǐ yòng duō dà de yǒng qì
suǒ yǒu mèng lǐ miàn de fēng yǔ wǒ bù pà nà shì wǒ de shì tí
xià yī yè de wǒ xī wàng néng yōng yǒu měi lì de míng tiān
suǒ yǐ zhè cì wǒ sòng zǒu cóng qián yīn wéi wǒ kàn de jiàn
suǒ yǒu mèng lǐ miàn de fēng yǔ wǒ bù pà nà shì wǒ de shì tí
xià yī yè de wǒ xī wàng néng yōng yǒu měi lì de míng tiān
suǒ yǐ zhè cì wǒ sòng zǒu cóng qián yīn wéi wǒ kàn de jiàn

English Translation Lyrics

Are you going to start bothering me on this issue?
Perhaps it is possible to think too much
Unfortunately, some dreams do not go well
I'm afraid you are a little lonely and sorrowful right?
I have set aside opening this page and no time to think of the past
My feelings will be afraid if I asked myself those words
Thank you for giving me the sky and tomorrow to learn how to stand alone
Standing on an unknown ground you take a deep breath and bravely watch me
I'm not afraid of the very huge dark night sky like saying I cannot cry
Where will the next page of me go? How much courage should I have?
All the trials and hardships within the dreams I'm indeed not afraid of my test
The next page of me hopes to have a beautiful tomorrow
So this time I'll leave the past because I look to come into sight
What do you worry? Go, ok? Love makes a person cry I'm really sorry
My heart holds the memories of the past
Allow me no matter how tough it is I'm willing to work hard
Wind blowing in my ears let me hear the news
In this journey, I observed that love is oxygen that made me more and more certain
My feelings will be afraid if I asked myself those words
Thank you for giving me the sky and tomorrow to learn how to stand alone
Standing on an unknown ground you take a deep breath and bravely watch me
I'm not afraid of the very huge dark night sky like saying I cannot cry
Where will the next page of me go? How much courage should I have?
All the trials and hardships within the dreams I'm indeed not afraid of my test
The next page of me hopes to have a beautiful tomorrow
So this time I'll leave the past because I look to come into sight

The allegory hidden in my feelings believes in moving ahead
My way, I'll surely let it go towards happiness
Forget those who gave up the dream that perhaps one ten thousandth
No need to speak, I'm still me, arranging on how to not cry even if lonely
Look, the heavy rain is also not conceding
Please let me learn how to grow

Read more: http://beautifulsonglyrics.blogspot.com/2012/06/cyndi-wang-xia-yi-ye-de-wo-lyrics.html#ixzz3f2pT19s6

Okay, actually it sounds better in Mandarin than English. Pretty much perhaps it doesn't relate much to what I am feeling but it's just a sad song okay.
I don't know where I heard the saying but it related to this song in Mandarin, pretty much the saying is saying that it's not the end of the story, it's only the end of one chapter, and the beginning of another chapter, and that it's not the end, but only a new beginning. And I really do like the sound of that over anything else.
So I want to lead that idea to something else, I want to start a new chapter, I don't want to look back, turn around and go back to my other old flings, to my old exes before him, but continue for one goal, to be a better self and a better companion for him, the person who broke up with me because I hurt him too much, because I made him lose the feeling of love he once had for me, because of my selfishness. I want to get him back no matter how long that'd take, I want to chase him this time and earn his love. Let's call him Pablo (it's a nickname he gave himself, so maybe one day he comes upon it would know I am talking about him), because I am not going to reveal any real name on any of the blogs.