Missing him

My mind keeps going back and forth, left and right.  It’s like in its own box of confusion. In a box where there is no door or window, no exit. In this box my mind is stuck in, the memories of my ex keep revolving around me. Won’t leave me alone. How can he be doing so much better than me when we’re both in the relationship. He said he never loved me, but is that true? Did he never love me or is he just in denial about the fact that he have loved me.

Trying to push me away each time, trying to keep his distance just hurts so much. He said he’d rather be in pain than to try again because it’s going to ultimately turn out bad. I refuse to believe otherwise. It’s true, our relationship wasn’t the most comfortable relationship. In it, it contains a lot of doubts, a lot of misunderstanding and a lot of lies we ultimately won’t tell each other unless they find out for themselves.

And the truth is, if we follow the footsteps we did in the past, it’s only going to draw the circle darker. In psychology class recently, I learened a bit about relationships. My professor talked to us about longing, and that it’s easier to go back to the way it was than to change it, and it’s true. We humans are more prone to the same routine than to change it, like taking drugs and smoking, once started it’s hard to get off of it. And relationship works exactly the same.

My professor said that even if the relationship is 80% bad and 20% good, we will be longing for it so much that the only thing in our head will be the good rather than the bad. And we will be so blinded by it that we won’t see the reality and how much it hurts us. It’s just the nature of humanity, something I hate. Because I know originally before he was going to break up with me, I thought of breaking up with him. And furthermore, before going to Disneyland, I cheated on him with this other guy who I had a crush on for the longest time when I was with my ex. I was a terrible girlfriend who doubted her boyfriend and yet expected him to trust me to the max. Like what part of that makes sense?

I told my friends and they said that most of the grief was over the fact that he was the one who broke it off with me, rather than me breaking it off with him. They said that it would’ve turned out differently if I was the one to break up with him, but would it really?

He won’t get off of my mind. It happens all the time, I don’t cherish him until he is either mad or I lose him. I think I have some abandonment issues, or else why won’t I want them when they want me and want them so badly when they finally don’t want me. Like what the hell is wrong with me.

I want to give it another shot, I want to tell myself this time around it would be different, but he doesn’t believe it would be. And he doesn’t want to go through another emotional time again like he did before, he doesn’t want to go back on his decision making.

I am so lost, I don’t even know anymore. Sleepless nights, while he is able to sleep here I am missing our past.