Missing him

My mind keeps going back and forth, left and right.  It’s like in its own box of confusion. In a box where there is no door or window, no exit. In this box my mind is stuck in, the memories of my ex keep revolving around me. Won’t leave me alone. How can he be doing so much better than me when we’re both in the relationship. He said he never loved me, but is that true? Did he never love me or is he just in denial about the fact that he have loved me.

Trying to push me away each time, trying to keep his distance just hurts so much. He said he’d rather be in pain than to try again because it’s going to ultimately turn out bad. I refuse to believe otherwise. It’s true, our relationship wasn’t the most comfortable relationship. In it, it contains a lot of doubts, a lot of misunderstanding and a lot of lies we ultimately won’t tell each other unless they find out for themselves.

And the truth is, if we follow the footsteps we did in the past, it’s only going to draw the circle darker. In psychology class recently, I learened a bit about relationships. My professor talked to us about longing, and that it’s easier to go back to the way it was than to change it, and it’s true. We humans are more prone to the same routine than to change it, like taking drugs and smoking, once started it’s hard to get off of it. And relationship works exactly the same.

My professor said that even if the relationship is 80% bad and 20% good, we will be longing for it so much that the only thing in our head will be the good rather than the bad. And we will be so blinded by it that we won’t see the reality and how much it hurts us. It’s just the nature of humanity, something I hate. Because I know originally before he was going to break up with me, I thought of breaking up with him. And furthermore, before going to Disneyland, I cheated on him with this other guy who I had a crush on for the longest time when I was with my ex. I was a terrible girlfriend who doubted her boyfriend and yet expected him to trust me to the max. Like what part of that makes sense?

I told my friends and they said that most of the grief was over the fact that he was the one who broke it off with me, rather than me breaking it off with him. They said that it would’ve turned out differently if I was the one to break up with him, but would it really?

He won’t get off of my mind. It happens all the time, I don’t cherish him until he is either mad or I lose him. I think I have some abandonment issues, or else why won’t I want them when they want me and want them so badly when they finally don’t want me. Like what the hell is wrong with me.

I want to give it another shot, I want to tell myself this time around it would be different, but he doesn’t believe it would be. And he doesn’t want to go through another emotional time again like he did before, he doesn’t want to go back on his decision making.

I am so lost, I don’t even know anymore. Sleepless nights, while he is able to sleep here I am missing our past.

Seeing him again....

Moving on, passing the grief, and forgetting about the past is the hardest thing, espeically when your past keeps on huanting you, when you still feel the comfort of your past, and you still see the living reminder of him every step of the way. Yesterday and the day before was club week, and on Wednesday, he was actually there at the eningeering club booth with his friends, I guess to hangout and show support, but by doing that, got me to panic. I knew I could either walk up and do something, ignore and pretended nothing happened, and or get his attention and see what happens from there (let him know my presence). And the result of that was, I decided to let him know my presence, I went from table to table advertising for AGS and try to talk as loud as I can, and I knew he knew my presence, when he decided to put his head the other way instead of facing me or just the front. I found out the hard way that his response was just as expect, if not worst. When my friend and I ended staying in that area for a long period of time, he decided to walk up and a few steps away from the booths, and pretend to be texting on his phone. In my mind, I am just like really?

I had class so I had to leave, and ever since then, he never came back to the club booth ever again, not then, not the next day. I just assumed that he didn't want to see me, which made perfect sense if you'd as me. When I saw him, my heart beated like crazy, I didn't know what to do with myself, and honestly, I didn't want to interact with him, I didn't know what to do.

Truthfully, that influenced me for the rest of the day a lot. I would freeze on spot and just stare into space and think about that incident. I missed him, he's outer appearnce changed so much, he stopped shaving, and spiked his hair, decided to leave it short. Although he still dresses the same, that's for sure.

I had dreams about him these past few days. Dreams that won't leave me alone. And it's all about the same thing, him asking for me back or him giving us another chance.

Last night/this morning I had a dream in which he somehow appeared at my sisters' house, in her old bedroom that was before she remodeled the house, and we talked, he told me that he wanted to give it another chance, and he was wondering if I am with it, and am willing to try again. I paused, I thought about tim, I thought about the vegas trip, knowing that if I do this, it's not right for Tim. But without much hestitation, I said yes, I thought to myself that I will deal with the consequence later on in time. And from there on, we kissed and embraced, I missed him.

However, I thought for a while in the dream, this is unreal, this isn't real, because if it's real, it wouldn't have happened. However, I don't know why this time I bought into it, and I went through with it. Waking up wast the worst part, when I woke up, I was devistated and I knew that it was all just a dream, and that how could it all possibly happen?

He would never ask me back, he would never want to try it again, he gave up on us because he doesn't believe things will change. Because we tried to change and everytime when we say we'd try the things always ended back exactly where it begun. And he's been through so much emotionally he doesn't want to deal with it anymore.

It pains me to let him go, it pains me to see him from afar but can't reach him, can't be like the way we used to be.

How do people get over the ones they love?

I don't know how, I want to cry, I want to break down, and I want to scream on top of my lungs. I don't know where I am in life, I don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't even know where I am going to transfer or what major I want to do. I hate feeling this lost in life, I can't I have no one to wake up to and what I hate the most out of all is, I lost all those I once had because of how stupid I was and how in deinal I am with so many things.

I wish for them back, I really do wish for them back. But all i can do is hope and pray because what else are you suppose to do at times like this.

Opposite Gender Friends

Opposite gender friends are something I never believed in, because male and female hormones it just makes it hard for opposite genders to be friends unless they have different sexual preferences. My opinions about opposite sex friends grew stronger when I was with my ex, because it's like whatever they do, it just doesn't seem like what friends of opposite gender should do. Heck if he does the same thing with the same gender, I wouldn't question it, but he doesn't do the same with the same gender.
I was always a little pessimistic about opposite gender friends, but it wasn't all the way there until I was with my ex and my insecurities rose up.
Feelings grow sometime spontaneously and it just makes it hard to be friends, especially when the feelings aren't mutual. Like many of my past guy friends who I been close to, we ended up not making long term friends because they ended up having a crush on me confessed about it, or I just picked up something isn't right and things just grow awkward and we just stopped talking over time.
In all honesty, now I don't believe in getting a opposite sex gender friend unless we both know we are no attracted to each other at all, because I just feel like no matter what, there is no one one doesn't grow feeling for another unless they're completely not your type.

My point got proven more after the breakup when I hooked up with one of my best friend after late night comfort. Then there was this group of guys i began to hang with, 8 guys, and slowly as I emerged into the group, the guys began to fall for me left and right and sorta made me feel like I tore the group apart.

It's like I grew closer to the guys, friendship wise, get to the bottom of their emotional problems and then comfort them, try to get them out of the emotional wreck they were in, and we drink to it, hangout, drink more, and then some how magically they just slowly grew feelings for me. Feelings I don't mutually agree back. It's like what the hell.

I just want good friends, good opposite gender friends and is that too hard to ask for? I don't understand the chemistry build up of guys, it seems like it's faster for guys to get little crushes everywhere in comparison to girls, and it is easier for guys to move on in comparison to girls.

I don't understand guys at all, just as much as I don't understand girls. Honestly, I find the whole insecure thing annoying, and i sort of find it annoying that guys fall for girls so easily, it's like get a hold of your other head please, and stop for a second and think.

For the past, many of my guy friends have ended up with a crush on me, and our friendship ended up straining because of that, perhaps it's my sarcasticness that gets people thinking that I am flirting with them when I am not intentionally trying to , or perhaps it's just something but whatever it is, it's hella annoying, and I want a break from it.

I recently have a heard stories too from a few friends, how their intial crushes were their best friends who are girls, it just makes my case of opposite gender cannot be friends more inevitable. Like if you have a opposite gender friend, you're bound to fall for her somehow, and then from there form a relationship of some sort. It's just bound to happen.

Geezus.

Someone tell me otherwise.

Because within this month, I have strained about 3 friendship alone because of their crush on me, which I feel like perhaps it's my choices that lead to where I am today, or perhaps just the way I am, the way I act. How come I can't find people I love and care for as fast as that? Why am I struggling in life over love and relationship problems?

I just want to enjoy life to the fullest and not sob over and over on the past, is that so hard to ask?

Is it so hard to ask?

Second Date

The person I cuddle is no longer you, the hand I hold no longer fits perfectly through the gap like how it used to be when we held hands. I have slowly tried to moved on, slowly trying to forget about you, forget about everything we been through. It's hard, because everywhere I go, I think of you. Bits and pieces of memories of us comes back to me from time to time. It hurts, it pains to be okay, to force a smile on my face that I knew from the beginning that I didn't want. It's fustrating to love something so much and to let it go, to date someone for so long and force to forget.
Moving on is the toughest part or everyone.

Today I went to Knotts Berry Farm, the only amusement park that I haven't been to with an ex, not counting Six Flags, because that is just way too much.
Going through places, walking down and riding similar rides just kills me a little on the inside, having fragments after fragments of memories just falling through, passing by my head.
I want to let it go already, I want to forget about it already.

He doesn't even want me back, he doesn't love me anymore, why am I spending so much time and effort crying about him, crying to him?

I honestly don't understand why.

The date wasn't a bad date, we had laughs and jokes on the side. Althogh I was cold to him for half of the day, the other half sort of made it up. He is a gentlemen, besides his character and personality sometimes, and the way he talks, he is everything a girl can ask for in a sense. He takes care of you, making sure you're okay, have a job that pays enough to take you out to eat and afford things. Able to take you to places, and willing to take days off to take you to places

Weird Dream #2

Never masturbate before sleeping, that's something I learned the hard way I guess.
Freaking weird as hell dreams before waking up.
From dreaming about missing the 626 night market because I apparently slept for one who day and missed it, and I guess everyone else missed it too.
To dreaming about Jessica coming over and cleaning out the fridge with me, and I guess from there somehow I had a baby in my arms, and the baby became mine all of a sudden, I guess I had it or something. And it was a baby that never cries, just laughs.
I guess somehow that was Pablo and my baby, and I guess we were driving and I wasn't sure if I was going to tell Pablo about our kid.
And we just ended up driving in a corvette for a while.

Then the dream turned differently to a whole different setting I guess we were at Taiwan and going through the LAX of Taiwan, and then it was a school trip and Pablo was in another white guy blond hair's body, I guess he did something and had his body switched, but then I don't know why, even though I know its Pablo there, I said that "it's okay I like your old asian self"(like was I thinking of daniel?) But then anyways he let me hug him, which was the warmest thing in the world. Nothing else mattered when he let me hug him, nothing else mattered.

Theres this random kid fromt he neitherland that apparently was smarter than his age and according to him in his country they don't go through grade by age, but instead by intelligence

God what the hell weird dreams.....

The baby one though, made me really wish I did have a baby to care for, although I didn't know what to do or how to deal with the baby, it gave me a sense of life, a sense of purpose to live. It was calm when I held him in my arms.

First date after breakup

Going off of where I left off yesterday 
I went on a date single date with this guy named Thomas (and no, if you have read any of my other posts, you would know that I never use other people's real name, or nearly almost don't, so we could easily say that Thomas isn't his real name either. I know, shocker)
Sure I had fun on the date, but it was simply fun. I really didn't cared much on half of the things he had on his plate, or talked about. It was completely different from when I was with Pablo.
 This morning I kept thinking about the past, kept thinking about my date with Thomas, and thought about how selfish I am of a person.
I know I don't like Thomas that way, but I still continued to talk to him.
I made it clear to him that I didn't want a relationship, I don't want the bullshit of boyfriend and girlfriend.
I was hurt once, and I don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to pour my heart out there, just for it to be scarred again.
We're supposing on "friendship" basis, and going on dates to dates basis considering there's a second date coming in about two days. But I can't help but hate myself for putting myself in the situation I am in right now.
I don't care about Thomas, I don't care about the stories he shares, and the things he complain about. Meanwhile I love to hear about Pablo's every single tiny detail complains. I know this may sound crazy and all, but this definately gives you a sign that you shouldn't be continuing to go on a date with someone if you're not even intesrsted in the things they say.
I don't understand how Thomas is still sticking his nose into my life despite the fact that I been nothing but cold to him.
He'd text many texts, and ask if I want food here and there, at least once a day, and he'd ask if he can drop by to see me everyday, and we aren't even dating or anything.
Then I get scared, thinking....
What if this was Pablo and mine relationship before?
What if Pablo's completely lost his feelings for me? Then what's the point of me trying to force him back when he doesn't feel anything for me? It'd just be shooting myself on the knee.
But then if he still had some feelings for me somewhere in him, then that's a completely different story.
But then I will never be able to hear the complete truth or know how he truly feels about me, after all if I did in the beginning we wouldn't be where we are today.

====
I mean honesty how terrifying is it to be loved by someone so much, but you don't love them back? The feeling isn't mutual, so how can you live with that?
For some, maybe it's easy to live like that, because they're used to being care for, or perhaps money reasoning, and to them money value is more important than love.
But for others, just being able to be pampered and treated like a princess is enough, no need for real love, where it might risk getting hurt, and etc.

At the end of the day, just how much do true love worth in society?
At the end of the day, just how much do feelings and emotions worth in society?

At the end of the day, I begin to doubt humanity. Because people do judge by looks, people do percieve others, and try to gain advantage of others.
What do I get? What's the benefit of me doing this? What am I going to get out of that?

First Wet Dream?

I had the weirdest fucking dream ever.
I took an nap because I slept this whole past month and ruined my sleeping pattern, but anyways.
I dreamed about meeting Pedro somewhere, and I guess what turned from seeing him, led to hug that he didn't really reject, and from there I guess he drove me to his house?
And his mom was in the car too? And I don't know what happened, but anyways...
We were at his guest room, when all of a sudden Jessica called me and asked me if I wanted to hang at the bar that she works at, and I said no, that I couldn't make it. Pedro and his mom were sitting by the floor on the side of the bed, and just stared at me while I am on the phone. And I guess from there, his mom disappeared and things escalated to just me and him in the room. And somehow we got closer as I hugged him, he didn't push me away.
From there on forward, he said that he'd take me back at 5 o/clock because I had to go see Jessica?
I told him I got myself excused and it was okay, so we pushed it to 6 as we kissed. And the scene changed to us being in the back seat of the car, driving up the 110 to pasadena from LA.
And there were a lot of curve, but then some how we continued, with no drive in the front, but somehow the car kind of controlled itself as we started humping each other, mebeing ontop of his lap. Oh god. from time to time he'd lean forward and move the steering wheel but then yeah.
And i finished before him, but that was when we reached the end of the freeway and I woke up....
I woke up and was like WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.

I never really had an actual sex dream, so for this to be the first time, and out of no where, it scared the fuck out of me.
Haven't masturbated for about 2 weeks now, maybe the first time after 2 weeks without masturbating or sex leads me to having these weird dreams?
God damn it alf

What were everyone else's first wet dreams I wonder
And this is considered a wet dream right?

Insecurities and trust

I don't understand, I don't understand at all.

I was so sure that my feelings for Pablo have faded, so sure that there was nothing left anymore but painful memories, but it still hurts somewhere inside when thinking about him. This emptiness, the desire to want to hold his hands, to want to feel again, and want to talk to him is killing me on the inside. This feeling and urge of want comes at random time. The urge of wanting to see him or talk to him, it comes with lots of different emotions in which I don't even understand myself.

I love him a little too late, I loved him when I lost him. Who the hell does that? I didn't know how much he meant to me until I lost him, classic.

I should've known the first three times we broke up. I should've listened, should've realized.

The happiness I had back in January when we got back together, that very night when we made out in the car after he agreed to give it another try, I told myself that I'd have to remember this forever, this feeling, this happiness, and not let anything get to me again and cause arguement. I need to rememeber that feeling. But overtime I forgot, I was stupid.

How the hell did we get here?

Flashbacks on all the memories we had, I can only remember the happy ones, what is wrong with me.

It pains so much, can someone please take it all away? Can someone please save me from this place?

Tonight I was on Netflix and I watched TheBest of Me (IMDb). 

It's a movie based on Nicholas Sparks' book, The Best of Me.

It's a movie about a love who was separated due to terrible fate, and moved on to different path, but was eventually after led back together after over 10  some years due to fate, but only to be separated again, but this time by death. It's a modern Romeo and Juliet.

It's a true tragic, but it was a really good movie, makes me want to buy the book even though I know I am not going to read it.

Anyways, the movie got me thinking a lot, that maybe in the future we'd get a chance, Pablo and I, to get back together, meet again in the path of life. But then what are the risks? Him getting married, him finding a girlfriend who he thinks he loves, or perhaps me getting with someone who I don't truly love but settles for?

Sometime during the 9 month of the relationship we had together, I'd question myself, why am I still with him when I can settle for better? Why am I with him when he doesnt seem like he cared all that much, but the true question was, why was he still with me when I don't seem to be caring all that much. I am just a emotional wreck, someone who needs to tone their hormones down, and calm their emotions down.

I hate to break it to myself, but what if how I feel about Timmy is just exactly how Pablo feels about me but maybe stronger? The thought of that scared me a little, because after the first date, I realized I had no feelings for him, how terrfying is it to go on a date, and hold someone's hand that you don't really love, your heart doesn't truly beat for, and all you see is friendship?  Timmy is a guy who asked me out on a date recently, and I agreed, thinking that it'd help me move on, sure when I was with him, I didn't think much about the sadness, we joked and talked. I try to enjoy the moments as much as I can, we laughed, we cuddled, we kissed at the end of the date. But I didn't have any feelings, sure there may be simple attraction, like oh he's good looking, but when we kissed, there were no sparks. I didn't long for a hug like I longed for Pablo's hug when I first started with Pablo.

The feeling I had when I kissed Pablo, even after we broke up, I thought what was originally just the hormones was actually not just hormones. When Pablo and I kissed, my heart rate rose, I thought it was just me getting excited because I was getting turned on, but what if I was turned on because somewhere inside I still have feelings for him but I just hide it so well and am in denial for it because I been hurted so much?

I don't know how Pablo feels when we had break up sex, nor how he felt when we first hugged or kissed, how the kiss was, how everything was, whether or not he felt anything at all, or to him I was just a hole he'd hump, but I can tell you although after sex, there were not much attraction after because we released all our hormones, what was shown in the initial beginning isn't nothing.

Was it just comfort and memories? I'd ask myself that, Or was there more? I want to find out, I want to prove to Pablo that we can do better than before, that there was still something there, it may be small and detached from the rest of his emotions because he chose to place it away and lock it, but I want to show him that I won't pain him like I did before, make him worry and give him emotional tolls. I know I can't see the future, because honestly who the hell can? I want to trust him, I want him to trust me.

Yesterday when I was having one of those anxiety attacks because my thoughts just got to me, I realized something. I kept doubting him so much, keep questioning him so much that I end up making him question me too. Trust is a mutual thing, and how do I expect him to trust me when I question his care all the time.

"You don't care about me"

"You don't care about me enough"

"Fine just go talk to other girls"

"Wrong girlfriend"

There are more than 1000 things I said that just isn't comfortable in general. Things I shouldn't be even saying in a relationship that I trust.

What rights do I have in getting mad at him when I question all his actions? Why am i so insecure in our relationship? Because we never had  a good foundation? Because I think things will be taken away from me? Because I am just a paranoid person who is insecure a lot like him?

He and I are alike in many ways, and that is one of them. We never sat down to work on it, instead, we just tell each other, who we can and can't hang out with, instead we just keep building on that insecurity, building onto that.

True Change, Burning of all old wishes. Starting a new

I want to forget about him, I really do. I whole heartedly want to let go, want to forget want to move on. But when I truly think about him the pain just won't stop. I never treated him right, but I really miss him a lot.
I loved him, I never realized I loved him so much until I finally lost him, until he finally pushed me away. Until I no longer deserve him.
It's way too late to beg for forgiveness, for another chance. For I have used up all my chances, if there was a fairy god mother, I used her up already on all the stupid wishes.


The wishes I am burning from the past, and undoing
"I wish William would turn back around and tell me he still loves me and gives "us" another chance. And talk to me again on fb/phone."
"I wish I would soon find my real and true happiness in life and have the courage to go after it."
"Would it be selfish of me to say "I wish William and Hannah would break up, and have William love me instead"
"I wish I don't get pregnant until I am married. Especially not now.  Please let me have my period this month 7/10/2014"
"I wish that Alfonso will choose to get back into the relationship with me before winter break ends. Please I promise I'll treat him right this time."
"I wish Eduardo Zamora would truely tell me how he feels about me, or at least give me an super obvious sign!"
"I wish Alfonso will hurt me no more, for I promise to be a good girlfriend, I will stop with my sarcasm, jokes, and hurtful comments for hopes of exchange that he ends or try to limit as much friendship with emmanuel carrasco (mannie)"
"I wish I will be able to find the one. the one for me. And be w/ him forever and ever."
"I wish Alfonso Mares will truly love me and let go of his friendship with Mannie because he cares for me and doesnt want to make me feel insecure, threatened, and hurt."
"I wish Danny would one day realize and regret breaking up w/ me :( 7/2/14"
"I wish I can get my period by the end of this week 8/17/14 not pregnant"

So I initiated something today. I took out all the wishes I made in the stars I folded that I had in a jar. I wanted to get rid of all of them, and start over. No more evil wishes, no more wishing for other's unhappiness. I truly want to change, and change for the better, no more evil wishes that only benefits me but not others, no more wishes that I will not commit to, no more of anything anymore. I want to be true to myself, I want to be true to others. I want to change for the better, no more taking benefits off of others, I need to be more considerate of others, and truly change.

This break up is a wake up call, I need to better myself, I need to be the better version of who I am and make people see that.

If you look at all the wishes I had up there, they were all evil wishes, or selfish wishes, or wishes I said I'd do something else in return, but I end up not doing anything. I cannot live like that anymore, I can't live not by my words. Being fakely faithful, being fake, being the bad person behind the scene that no one sees.

I want to be the true nice, and kind person that others sees, the one that I can look in the mirror and nod and approve. The person I can truly face, because all my current actions, all the things I done are nothing but lies and dishonesty.

If I expect people to give me chances, I need to show them I am worthy of chances, that I am willing to take the longer way out than taking the short cut.

I am sick and tired of myself of how I am and who I am. I grew up selfishly, everything is just me, me and me. There is never others in my eyes unless it benefits me. I cannot live that way. I just can't.

It takes me 20 years to realize all the evil I have done, well, then let me live the next 20 years trying to change for the better, and give back to the society. No matter if my ex will see it, no matter if my ex will come back to me or not, I am not doing it just for him, but also myself, for my future.

Whatever happens from here on now, I will take full on responsibility for. I will try to be as honest as possible, I will try to be a better person, and go on from there. Although there is already a little white lie I have told that have to be continued to tell for a while, but besides that I am willing to give up myself and everything else for my ex to come back and give me another chance.

Things to do/work on before school starts

Things to do/work on before school starts:

1. Temper/Patience

2. Anger management

3. Emotional Control

4. Hormone Control

5. Sarcasm/Passive Aggressive

6. Appreciation

7. Step in other’s shoes

9. Being in denial

10. Stop playing the victim

11. Relationship Commitments/Commitments in general

12. Reassurance

13. Be considerate of others/Selfishness

14. Fix family problem

15. Clean your room

16. Filter what you say/Think before talking

17. Fix friendships

18. Do you

19. Don’t over think things/Stay positive

Priorities:

1. Do you
2. Filter what you say/Think before talking
3. Step in other’s shoes
4. Anger management
5. Emotional Control
6. Temper/Patience
7. Sarcasm/Passive Aggressive
8. Appreciation
9. Being in denial
10. Be considerate of others/Selfishness
11. Clean your room
12. Fix family problem
13. Fix friendships
14. Stop playing the victim
15. Don’t over think things/Stay positive
16. Relationship Commitments/Commitments in general
17. Reassurance
18. How can I be missing one?

Anyways, the above will be things I will be working on now that I am single. It's really not like I am going anywhere anyways. I always, I always let my emotion get the best of me, even this morning when I woke up emotional and all, I ended up sending the stupidest text ever to my ex. What was I trying to get out of it? I have no idea. Sometimes I just really want to slap myself and ask what the hell I am doing. 

He freaking doesn't want anything to do with me and I am here trying to stick my nose into his ass like a obsessed ex girlfriend I am, and the worst part is once the emotional self of me wore off I don't even know what the fuck I was doing when I first did it.

It was filled with meaning, filled with tears, but afterwards I am all like what the hell just happened. This happens when we were in a relationship too, when I was with my ex. I let the emotion get the best and worst of me, and end up sending messages I don't end up meaning, say things I later regret. Thinking that I am better now, I am no where better than I was before. No wonder he didn't want anything to do with me, thinking that things will go back to the way it was before. This is all too freaking insane. 

I haven't even checked my messages, I feel like if I do, I am just going to regret it very much because his response can't be anymore freaking warm than it was before. And I really don't need unnecessary coldness more than I have already, I don't even know what the hell I am doing and how I am going to do what I was thinking of doing tomorrow.
Whatever time to face the hell I leashed out.
4:47pm ^
=========
And yup, as it turns out his message reply is cold as hell. As expected from a break up master who wants to keep himself away.

Hey, I know this is weird, but don't worry about me going to the pixel movie day. I won't be showing up, I have a test so it's not the best idea for me to go anyways.

But I wasn't worried....


Did I do something that makes it seem that way? Iono whatever happens happens, I guess it's not weird for you to text that. This morning waking up, I wanted to text you, text you and tell you how terrified I am. Scared of going for the follow up, scared what the doctor will say. Sad that while others have their support, someone to hold their hands into the clinic, or someone they'd be able to share the sad news to and weep on and I'll be walking and facing it all alone, pretending to smile like I'm okay and force myself not to break down, and smile when they ask again am I sure I don't have any emergency contact. How alone and terrifying it is, and all I can do is cry at the corner of my bed right now. Nightmares after nightmares, drama after drama. I want to be strong, but it's all too much. How dumb is it to say I really miss the dumb wall for being there to listen to my problems, keep telling me it's safe to share, and patiently listened and simply just to be there when I was truly in need of someone then. The only person I'd ever truly trust that much, make me feel safe to share things I keep the deepest to myself that I can barely even face, now I don't even know if I have the privilege in talking to him or if he's willing to listen, or would it just make him hate me for budgeting into his life again. I don't know, to think I have faced so much things alone, that I'd be okay this time around. But I'm not. It may sound really dumb but Alfonso, I'm really scared. I don't want to go. I can't.....

Just go, you'll be okay. Listen to the doctor and take care of yourself. Other than that tell me how much the bill was and I'll spot you half of it

=====
as expected from you alf, always overdone yourself.
good luck on your test on friday. 
and I am sorry I am finally releasing your name out into the public, but with the look of things, and how nobody reads this blog anyways, the chances of anyone seeing this, or even you finding this will be rare. 

Define Relationship

Written on 7/26/2015
Isn't that just what relationship is?
The want of being with someone, the desire of wanting to be around a certain person. Sure there isn't always going to be a butterfly feeling in your stomach, sure there isn't going to always be heart skipping moments. But someone at the end of the day you're comfortable talking to, someone who you are willing to care for, and be kind to, and understanding unconditionally.
Someone who you're willing to risk everything for.
Someone who you'd sacrifice to and for.
Love isn't always intense, it is sometimes calm, sometimes just that fulfilling feeling of knowing that they're there.
I felt that the past two weeks, the we had been through that phase. And it felt nice, I don't know how he felt about it, I don't know whether or not he enjoyed it, but I really did. Perhaps he was bothered by it.
I really want to get him to open his heart to me again, and be willing to try again.
I know he doesn't want to deal with the emotions again, I know he doesn't want to deal with me anymore.

Confliction on the path to take.

I want to say I forgot about him, I want to say I have already given up, already put all my hopes away in a jar, and want to leave it all alone, but I can't. He always holds a special spot in my heart. and it's something I can't just erase from my heart. Sure I numbed my feelings for him, but I feel like my body did that for self protection because of how much it's handled this month, all the shock, all the constant hurt it's been getting, it just closed itself up.
However just because it did that doesn't mean I don't miss him. It was after hanging with Cindy, made me realize, I love him. Sure my heart doesn't butterfly for him, I don't get those cute couple feelings I get in the beginning, but I want to try, I want to not give up, I want to prove to him that this is going to work, and make him trust me. I want to earn his trust, I want to open up his heart again to me. I want him to give us another shot, another chance. I want him to believe in me, believe that this time is going to be difference and am willing to risk it all.
It's already too late. His determined, and now with school starting and everything it's going to be harder for him to say yes to something that he have set his mind to since a month ago.
Who am I to say anything anymore.
Maybe I am the only one who's still giving hope to this that never had a hope to begin with. Maybe I am just being dumb.
If he gave up, if he already let go of the last of hopes, who am I to say anything. My opinion wouldn't matter unless there is the two of us agreeing on something.
I realized a bit last week that we are all human, therefore rules can be bent, what is said could be change. Because we are all human, we have feelings, we have emotions, and that tend to change things. From what was originally a never to do thing, it became a we're going to do once thing, and from there it became a we're going to do just one more, to we should stop but didn't, to this is the last time because we won't be seeing each other again.
Human nature change over time, and reaction to certain things change over time, and of course the way things turn out could change too.
I don't know as of now whether should I be holding onto hopes, or letting go of my hopes. I am scared holding on to hopes will only lead me to disappointments, but I am such a hopeful person, it's impossible to not try to think of the bright side of things.

He is someone who I can talk about anything with, who listens. Although he isn't a great wall because he tend to say dumb things at times, but I do appreciate his presence.

What if nothing works? Then I don't just forever lose a boyfriend but a best friend who I shared everything with. I lose the person who I could've showed my change to, to prove to. The person I cared so much about and the person who makes me the happiest. I really don't need him to be there all the time, I don't need his time, I don't need him to prioritize anything in front of me, but I just don't want to lose him in my life. I understand he have other things in his life that is more important, and I am never going to make him choose between his education or career over me, because look how terrible last year turned out. I want to gain his trust again from the basis, and show him the difference I can make and make him believe in me. But he won't even listen or take anything in I say. And he have this whole mindset that this is better for the both is us in the long run, and everything is just going to go back and he is going to have an emotional toll and etc. but if he had to block me out of his life, and from time to time pain from this break up, then why are we both paining from something when we can potentially make it work? I don't know

I don't understand why I am emotional in the morning when normal people get emotional at night. Something's wrong with me.

Day 3 after everything

Waking up early in the morning to a nightmare again, to losing him. Haven't had a nightmare like that for a while, haven't had a nightmare like that for two weeks now, and suddenly having it again really is putting a toll on me, on my morning emotions, and wake up routine.
I want to give up so badly, I want to let go, I want to move on. My feelings for him are numb, but then the memories forbid me to move on. The new set of memories I created with him along with the old ones that were put on hold.
I hate the feeling. Maybe going back the second time waasn't a good idea. Perhaps he was right about getting closer, that we shouldn't have gotten that much closer, just because of how much more painful it was pulling myself apart from him again.
I want to know how he is doing, and if he is struggling just like I am, or is he doing better than me?
He have a actual job, actual hobby, things to work on, and summer school while I am just stuck at home thinking about the same thing over and over. No wonder it's killing me way more than its killing him.
I remember when Daniel and I first broke up (my second boyfriend, the one before this one), I had other things to do, college, and etc to keep my core focus away from the pain. Sure there was pain, but it didn't sink that deep within. I remember crying at school that day when he let go of me after a fight, saying that he couldn't take it anymore. Which now thinking about it, is similar to what Pablo said (my most current ex).
That night when we spoke to 4am, he told me that he had a limit and the relationship way exceeded his limit, and he doesn't want to deal with it anymore. I regret every moment of me taking advantage of him. I regret a lot of things, knowing that I shouldn't have done it, but I let my emotion get the best of me, and ultimately losing him.
I don't want to live this way, live in a life where I can't control my emotions, let it run loose and get the worst of me. I want to be able to keep those who I truly value around, and I want to do it before it's too late, because I lose anymore people I treasure.
I dislike my personality, and how I value things way differently than they should be valued. I don't realize their value until I lose them. Reading back to my other entries of my digital journal, it made me realize something, that it's always when I am on the edge of losing Pablo that I write a letter of regret or something along the line. It's not right.
Human nature, we are never satisfied, we are greedy creature who always want to have more, always want the better end of the stick, and just always compare ourselves to others at time. Its something that comes to us naturally, and it makes me sick that I am like that. I should be satisfied with what I have rather than keep comparing to the nonexistence.
When I was with Pablo, I keep comparing my relationship with my past even though clearly they're over. I keep thinking to myself, that I can always go back to my old relationship if this one fails, that at least Daniel does this, Pablo doesn't even do that. But in reality, I didn't realize how much that was hurting me mentally and hurting the relationship. That kind of thoughts shouldn't even be approved to have in the first place.
Number one, I don't even love Daniel, I don't even want to be in a realtionship with him in the first place, so why I am even thinking that, and telling myself I can always go back to him. Sure he will take me anytime because he is single and did want me back at some point. He is a easy target if I just want to land back to a stage before. But I knew clearly I didn't want that, so why was I thinking that?
Number two, Daniel was a rebound that I ended up spending 2 years of my life with, sure we had our good times, but I never truly had feelings for him like I had with Pablo or Wilson (lets say that was my first boyfriend's name).
Number three, are you dating Daniel right now? No. So how the hell do you know if he can and will do it better than Pablo. What the hell was I even thinking at the time? I have no idea.
I remember when I was dating Daniel, I did the similar thing and thought about Wilson. I tend to live in the past a little too much, leading to a lot of argument because I think I am not treated the way I was suppose to be treated.
I was a spoiled bum when it comes to being in a relationship because I always get what I want when I want it. And with Pablo letting me, it just makes it way easier to take advantage of him without noticing, which is something I wanted to slap myself in the face for. I can't believe I didn't see it. How uncomfortable I was when Daniel was demanding me to do things, how uncomfortable when I feel like a lot of times I am forced against my will, and have no voice or say in things. Yet when I am in a relationship with Pablo, I did exactly what Daniel did to me. Barely leaving him room to breath.

When you hold someone too tight, barely leaving them room to breathe, you will only end up losing them in the process. 

 I want to do anything in my power to get him back, but then he doesn't want back into this relationship in particular because of all the bad its done was way over the goods. He lost his feelings for me, lost the feeling of love for a while, he thought if he tried hard enough he could perhaps get it back, or perhaps be happy, or perhaps we would be happy, but that didn't last long because of how I am and how this relationship was structured.
It didn't have a good foundation to begin with, we escalated way too quickly, and without first or second date, we went straight base after base after the first kiss. And it didn't take long for home run to happen when usually in dating it should be the opposite. He emphaised on that a lot, because that was the main thing that led to this distrust. Because according to him if I can move that fast with him, then that must mean I can move that fast with anyone, but he was the only one who I ever was comfortable in moving that fast with.
This is weird that I only just realized this right now as I am typing, but I was comfortable with everything since the beginning. Sure in the beginning it was a bit weird, and scary because it was all new, but then I wasn't uncomfortable like how I was when I was with Daniel.
Yesterday I was on the phone with my friend who was interning at Washington DC (3 hour difference, yet she stayed on the phone with me till 1am, which over there was 4am, thank you. let's call her Ida) While being on the phone with Ida I realized that I was never comfortable with the idea of sex when I was with Daniel. When we first had it, I wasn't mentally or physcially ready, and througout the relationship, i dont think I was ever ready. Sure there were hormones in me that got me want to do things, but never sex with him. Maybe it's just my memories fabricating on me, but I was never so willing and so comfortable in something like sex until I met Pablo.
Why are all these realization hitting me so late in life, way too late to achieve anything anymore. It's just like humans realize they're ruining the earth a few billion years too late even though they knew what they were doing and what the consequences were.
Like what do you mean cutting trees kills life, kills bioamosphere, and cause more CO2 in the environment, and green house gases. What do you mean we are low on tree and oxygen production? What do you mean that we are all going to die because of the lack of trees? So you're telling me that making paper kills trees?
Dumb logic people don't start analyzing until late, I mean yeah sure it beats never realizing it, but it doesn't make it better realizing it all this late.
I think humanity and their thinking process is stupid. I mean its beautiful, but sometimes stupid, or maybe just mine.

The last of the last; confliction.

The Last Message via Facebook

It's finally over, finally done, our last goodbye, and this time I am sure of it.

All this time, this past few months before our break up, I always thought that I didn't love him anymore, but it was through this month of losing him, and getting through all the confusion that made me realize something, that even though my heart was numb for him, I still loved him very much. And it hurts extremely much.

All the sex we had, and all the jokes we made, the times we spent together was enough for me to fall for him again. I finally understood why he wanted to keep his distance.

I finally understood why he'd rather be mean to me than to express his kindness in any sort. I finally understood why when I initially started staying at his house, he pushed me away and isloated me in the room by myself rather than keeping me company, because he knew that by staying there it'd only trigger unnecessary memories, and unnecessary pain.

He is doing well off without me, he is able to keep on track, work out and hangout with his friends at his own free time, he get to take on control of his life again. Something I'd always throw him off of his track because of my personality and how when I want something I'd have to get it attitude.

Throughout this week where we spent together, from Monday night to Friday morning/Thursday night it was unforgettable. We went from barely touching to having sex in the car as our last good bye. He said that he doesn't have feelings for me, and that he feels bad after we have sex because he feels like he is taking advantage of me, but then the thing is that I don't know how I feel about him, for a minute i could feel like I don't have feelings for him, and in another minute it feels like my heart is racing when he is around. I am not sure if it's the hormones that is doing the trick or what not, but its really confusing.

I want to know how he feels, I want to feel what he feels so I know how and what to do.

I found his journal the other day while he was at work, because he didn't really hide it well, but then there was an entry that he recently wrote, an entry that he wrote a day before I went to his house again. I assumed he wrote it after i texted him asking if i could stay over again.

Here's what he wrote:

"It's not fair, I don't want her to stay. I am an independent man who does whatever he wants whenever he wants too. She just can't leave me alone. The stress just gets to me. It's like I'm dating her all over again and its not fair. I can barley write about this!!! its not fair. Okay I'm done."

Then follow by a bunch of pen shading and i guess angry slashes.

when i read it, it got to me, perhaps he was tired of me, tired of the relationship and there is no hope. when i stayed at his house, i told myself not to do nip pick on things, after all i am staying there unwelcome.

I dont understand him at all, if he really doesn't want me to be there, why did he say yes? I asked him why, and his response is because when there's someone in need of help, he wants to help when he is able to. And with the fact that he have a free room to offer, and he is able to, he wants to help.

He says that he is helping out of his pure kindness and nothing else, this doesn't mean he have feelings for me, it doesn't mean he wants the relationship back, all itmeans is that he is just being nice, not because he feels obligated.

And that i shouldn't take his niceness in as anything else.

But how can i not? Being in a relationship with him for the past 9 month, and now I have to move on, yet i am living under his roof, (or was) and was being taken cared of by his mom. Through all and all, him keeping me company at night and you know, talking to me, staying up watching arrested development on Netflix with me. There is just so much that we did together, although not as couple, but its tempting to make me want to go back to how we were before.

its true that I'd rather have his kindness and the way he was treating me than the cold treatment he had gave the first day, but then I am beginning to question maybe he is right to believe that cold treatment would've been nicer. It would've definately shoot me down a lot faster, and bring me less hope than i have now.

After all, we had sex, and kissed. You don't just kiss and say you have no affection towards that person. Pablo said he doesn't feel anything and that if anything it's his hormones mostly, what the hell am i suppose to say? Am i suppose to be like let me check to see if that's the case?

 On the last night, the night where he dropped me off, we were in the car talking and hanging till late, 4am to be exact.

And through those time, we held hands, we kissed and we had sex. Everything seemed like the way it was before we broke up, and he told me that he doesn't want to try again (yes I can't believe I asked again) he said that it is better for the both of us in the long run. And that he doesn't want to get physically, emotionally involved, and that he just doesn't trust me.

I want to tell him this time is different, i want to earn his trust again, and tell him that I understand his priorities now and that things will be different. that we learned from things, and we are able to change, and i told him that i can wage anything on this, to say that this time around it would work because of all of that.

but he said, this is why he didn't want to get close to me, to give me the hope of getting back together when we are not. he said that even just spending this week with me, he didn't sleep well, eat well, and he just haven't been productive etc. And I know it's true, because I was the one who dragged him on, because i told myself that if this is the last few days i am going to spend with him, i might as well make him stay up with me, because the selfish me wants to spend more times with him before i can't spend any more time with him. And he even was late for work because of my presence (although it was from his temptation that lead him to being late to work in the first place).

But all in all, he said that he was still physcially attracted to me, and that's why we were still able to have sex, but that emotionally he isn't.

What the hell is that suppose to mean.

I want to know how he feels at this point, i want to know what he is thinking and everything, but i feel like it will be useless and the chances are, he doesn't feel the same way for me as i feel for him, if i feel anything for him.

I am conflicted I don't even know how the hell I am suppose to feel right now. 

The last message, the very last message. The farewell

Thank you for being there for me when I needed someone the most, and making it feel safe, making it feel like it was okay to say whatever I want to. Last chapter of my life was amazing despite the terrible part of the relationship (I'm seriously sorry for all the scarring I done, I deeply regretted them (but our sex was great tho, no lies haha) ) and maybe they say things happen for a reason and perhaps the miscarriage did too. This was by far the best closure I could've seek and probably the one I needed. Don't get me wrong, the miscarriage was painful, it was truly traumatizing and terrifying if you recalled the first day you picked me up, I was in shock, but it was from all of that that literally got me out of being too caught up in the breakup. thank you for taking me in and being the braver person and telling your parents about everything and asking them to take me in. Being there and telling me that I'm in a safe place, telling me that it's safe to say whatever it is really did do a number on me. Is it weird to say I felt like I could trust you completely then on Thursday night when this all happened? In all honesty, the first weekend when I came back from your house, I felt calm I haven't felt in a long time, and that's when I realized after that kiss where you flinched that my feelings for you were numbed and perhaps I was overwhelmed by the break up, perhaps I was too torn over us being over to noticed, idk when it happened, I just know it did. Hey I learned a lot just like you, and in all honestly I'm afraid where things are going to go from here, but being with you this week really did a number on me too. You cheered me up when I was down and gave me hope when I lost all of them. I couldn't have gone through this whole mess without you. Thank you for staying up with me, watching Netflix, talking to me and keeping me company when you can. Thank you for making me food and heating up soup. You're the bestest ex anyone could ever ask for (okay maybe not, wth is a bestest ex, I mean kindest I guess). And always gonna be my bestest friend regardless of what happened. You're one of the things I'm grateful it happened. Thanks for teaching me the falcon punch, the beast mode, and reminding me how terrible of a gamer (ufc fighter) I am on Xbox. Haha it was fun. Thanks for everything, not to mention the "I told you I was gonna get you to eat Mexican food" like seriously we ate Mexican food before how can you not remember (and I don't mean chipotle) this but whatever. But Truly, thank you.

I'm truly speechless.... I always wanted to give you as much closure as possible. I also wanted to be nice, especially because I had an opportunity to do so, and whenever you have a chance to help someone you should. Especially because life is very funny and you never know what turns it'll take.

Thank you as well for everything, I had a blast dating you and I'm happy I did!

Morning Oral

Last night when he came back, it got a bit awkward because of what happened right before he left for the soccer game.

We never really talked about it after his hormones gone down, so when we finally sat in the same room and talked about it, it got weird.

He told me, “Jenny, I need to talk to you.”

Then he continues the sentence with, “Sorry,”

He pushes the friends for benefit thing off of the table, but then again we were all drained and out of hormones to deal with our desires if we had any at the moment.

“I took advantage of you and your emotions when I shouldn’t have, and I am sorry”

He pauses a bit and then continues, “this is wrong, and its not healthy, its not right for you, that I am just taking advantage of your feelings for me for my sexual pleasure”

When girls hear things like that I mean they should feel good because the guys actually realizes what they’re doing ( I mean sure it’s after he finished that he realized all that but hey better than never right).Better late than never.

But I didn’t want that, I liked what we had and wouldn’t mind continuing it.

I don’t know if it was the fact that we’re not suppose to be doing it that is getting my heart racing, or just my horny hormones in general, but the original feelings I had for him were long gone. In fact it was when he left for the soccer game that I was still shaking in shock of what happened and other half of me confused.

In some senses it felt like how it felt when we first started hugging each other a year ago, heck the only difference is we already dated.

So what if I never had feelings for him and all the feelings I had were just urges and the need for someone to be there?

It’s a scary thought in the long run, but what if I never loved him, and he never loved me and we just thought that the feelings we had were love when it really wasn’t love to begin with.

I know what I had with my first love was definitely love, sure there were hormones involved but I had a thing for him for 7, 8 years nonstop. Something I didn’t have with anyone else.

The scary thought got to me while I was dining too, what the hell did I put myself through the past year?

Heck did I even love the last boyfriend I had before this one?

Did I ever love? Or are they all just feelings I have fabricated and none of them were actually real? What if they were just all hormones and all that?

So anyways the night ended with this can’t ever happen again and that he was sorry about what he did and all.

But then the next morning, right when I thought all of this were gonna be over, he came into the room to wake me up to eat breakfast because he had to go to work and couldn’t prepare my food and so he wanted me to watch the soup and prep it myself.

Then I reeled him in, well not really, just grabbed his hand because he was trying to shake me while I am half asleep.

And strangely, he leaned over and let me pull him. And slowly he got onto the bed right next to me. The Twin size bed.

And from there I hugged him initially, and it led to almost what happened yesterday.

He kept repeating, “I hate you” even though let’s admit it, he doesn’t

Appearantly he said he saw my boobs earlier and it was my fault that got him all like that, but the half asleep me have definitely nothing to do with it. Come on, I was half asleep, his wondering eyes got to see my cleavage, oh I am sorry for having some, its not like I purposely pop em out and be like here it is.

From him originally rushing because he was going to head off to work, to him being on bed, not wanting to go to work anymore because of his sexual desire, and because of what his penis is telling him, its kind of interesting to see how weak men really are when it comes to things like this.

I mean nothing besides snuggling happened, and then 2 minutes before we left, he said, “I will kiss you but then after we really have to get up.”

Haha bad idea, of course it led to wanting to stay longer, but anyways when we finally got up and headed to the kitchen and started prepping food, and was on a wheel chair while he was standing. So my head was the same height to his waist, and of course you guessed it, a bit of oral happened.

So much for promise me that this is not going to happen again. We all know we are bad with those kind of promises.

He even said something that surprised me, “I mean you have one more day here, we might as well make the best of it with that day left.”

Never expected him to say that.

Humans have their desires that aren’t going to be fulfilled that easily.

But I pushed him out to actually leaving for work because girls have more self control than guys when it comes to these things, weirdly enough.

He changed and left.

I thought you know maybe  after he left he is going to get a good shake and realize what happened was wrong and you know stop there, but then when he got to work he texted me that, “My boss isn’t even here….We could have “delayed traffic” a little longer (-___-)” because when he said he was late for work, I told him to tell his boss that there was delayed traffic.

But I never expected him to text me that when he was at work.

I thought you know it would hit him, but then again if our sexual tension isn’t released I guess it’s really hard to make much of a right decisions.

We will see where it goes from here. I will keep my digital journal updated since I have nothing much else to do anyways.

Unexpected Break Up Sex

I did something bad.

Something really bad , regrettably bad.

I had sex with my ex.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I have had sex with my exs before, but never like this.

The person who no longer love me, the person who honestly stopped caring for me and have any emotions for me.

The person who I admire for the longest time still after break up. (I am not sure about it anymore)

But honestly how the hell did we get here, broken up, lead to oral sex, and a conversation about possibly friends for benefit, although in his thinking it’d just be benefit, bootycalls.

He doesn’t want to deal with a relationship, not with me anyways since he doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore. Makes sense.

“Emotionless sex, is that what you want?” he asked me while we were at it, “It’s just so wrong.” He says as we continued.

I know its wrong, how can two people who broke up have emotionless sex, but it happens, our hormones tells us what feels good and what doesn’t and we just end up doing it.

It may be because of his lack of sleep, since he slept at 4am and had to wake up at 8am. Or maybe it’s because of his man needs that finally got to the best of him, but for whatever reason it is that finally led him to not logically think what I initially wanted, I got it.

For him to break down his wall and make out with me.

It started off with him coming back from work and hanging in the guest room where I was. We talked a bit before he took half of the twin size bed. I wanted to hug him, but of course I knew about his no touching rules and I didn’t. The closeness, being able to smell his scent, I know I don’t feel for him the same way I did before, but I missed it, missed being able to hug him anytime and just I guess someone there.  He said that in 5 minutes he was just going to go off to sleep, and laid there with me.

“How stupid of you to not take advantage of the 5 minutes.” He said, “I am here to talk to you about anything for 5 minutes and you’re wasting it.”

I smiled, because honestly this was enough, I didn’t need a conversation, just by being this close with him, I liked it. I missed it enough. Somewhere in my long term memory was used to it. It felt almost like he stayed for way longer though. When he finally got off the bed, and left to his room, and closed the door behind him, he laughed as he jumped on the bed because originally he was suppose to go to a soccer game and his friend just texted him that he was out of work and ready to go right when Pablo was about to take a nap.

So I rolled in with my chair with wheels and leaned my head on the side of the bed as he laid on his bed. I knew I shouldn’t be close to him, because he didn’t want that. But things got weird fast, from him patting me with his knee to him putting his hand close to me on the pillow I was hugging.

“’Your weird.”

“What why?”

“This whole thing is weird.”

“What is weird.”

“You staying at my house, that’s why you can only stay until Thursday”

“What does that even mean?”

“It seems so much like nothing’s changed, that anything could technically happen.”

We shared eye contacts, and slowly, I pushed my hand close to his hands and held it. From there things escalated, conversation escalated. And he asked, “Do you want to come onto the bed?”

I nodded, as he pulled me up telling me, “then come”

As I headed up onto the bed, he hugged me tightly to my surprise. It’s been so long, so, so long. I missed it all. It’s weird, I know I lost my feelings for him, but my heart beated so fast, I was scared, I didn’t know what was happening, it seemed almost just like when we first started hugging. I was shaking a little.

He didn’t want kisses initially, and he said that, “this is going to be bad later on, for you emotionally”.

I smiled and said, “it’s okay, I’d rather live the moment than not have lived the moment” and it’s true.

I have spent too much time in life to think and imagine what would’ve happened if this happened, and what would’ve happened if that happened, it was time to start acting upon it.

We hugged tightly as I pressed my face onto his neck, and whispered, “plus that’s how we started anyways.”

He said something that was really interesting though, “While other couples have complained about having crappy sex, that’s something we have always been amazing at.” And it was true, we did have many amazing sex moments, and that was got to be one of the greatest thing I am going to miss about the relationship, the sex.

I told him, “I know, we always had amazing sex and they were never boring.”

He smiles and then tells me, “that’s because I know my ways and am creative with my ways, and you don’t mind going along with it.”

If we have a communication issue, sex was defiantly something we didn’t have much communication issues with, I guess hormones does help with communication and not help with communications at time.

Which was true, we started our initial relationship hugging. Long hugging period which lead to all that esculation later (just like what happened today). From him not wanting any kisses or anything more than a hug, I convienced him into a one time thing.

Utlimately, he said “fine, but promise me, that this is a one time thing, and after this there will be no physical contact, and that nobody can know about this”

And how can I say no? My hormones’ been dancing around since he lured me into that hug, and if it wasn’t for my bleeding vagina I would’ve done way more than what we have done then.

He had his fun, he had his oral sex all the way while I had barely anything.

I wouldn’t call it equality, but hey, I guess I was the one who said that I didn’t mind it.

Never perfomed an oral that much on anyone and all of a sudden I was able to perform on my ex more than my boyfriend when he was in a relationship with me?

I guess you’re more open to change and surrounding later on in life or something along the lines, who the hell knows.

I am fucking confused myself.

I don’t even know what the hell just happened and am still stunned at all that have happened a few hours ago. He was 30 minutes late to meeting his friend before of us. We spent a whole hour together.

It’s going to be a bit weird facing him later that I don’t know if I want to face him later tonight when he comes back from the game at 12am.

I think I am just going to go with the flow and see how it goes from there.

No regrets.  Life is too short for regrets.

Although during sex we did have many interesting conversation, where I asked if he masturbated when we broke up (of course he did) I meant how many times.

And his response was, “this month? Or this week?”

I said both, and waited. He hesitated and didn’t want to answer at first, but later I was like, “hey if I am able to go all out on oral sex, you got to give me something.”

Then after more hesitation he finally said, “3 this week, and 12 this month.”

I was like damn, a regular masturbation of 4 times turned into 12 after a break up, makes sense though because I masturbated practically three times a day the first two weeks or so when we broke up. My sex drive was really high for some weird reason, I guess we were really sexually active to a point that when we stopped all of a sudden I had to feed the hunger with something and masturbating one time doesn’t beat the sex for one time.

I guess the reference can go to vampire knight, how eating the blood tablet is not the same thing like drinking actual human blood you know. Just like drinking blood from stranger doesn’t taste as good as drinking blood from your lover, but in this case Pablo. Strange analogy but if you’re an Vampire Knight fan you’d know.

Loosen Grip and Letting Go.

I don’t understand myself anymore. Thinking that I’d be okay, and that I lost all the feelings and that I am finally numb of it all. Who am I kidding? The deepest wounds are still there, and the scars that are fixed so perfectly well still hides the pain that’s underneath.

A few days ago when we parted, I found peace, I thought that I’d be okay, thought that you know, all is well. That I have finally learned to let go, and then it was then that I asked myself, was I happy? And the answer then was calmly a yes. I was satisfied and I wished onwards to where ever he is venturing. Pedro, my ex who broken up with me who for the past month, whom I have am painfully not over with.

Why did I even come back to this place where I potientially can get attached and get hurt again? What was the original purpose of this? This time around there was no back up, there was no thoughts. In my heart, my guts told me to just do it, without my brain in second hand command.

Miscarriage and the aftermath was already done and taken cared of. Pedro took time off of work, took time off of his friends to care for me, just like how his parents took their spare time to make me food, to make sure I was okay. And yes, I was grateful for their constant support and beings of here. However it only in a sense makes me desire for more. Although half of me told myself that it is enough, but there is always a little part of the human nature, like in Adam and Eve, that is just not enough. And there’s always that small greed part of all of us that makes us pounder, what if we took that chance and try to strive for more? I mean sure you got all that you want on this plate right now and you’re happy, but what if you can be happier and have more? Wouldn’t you want that?

That, I guess was my feelings then when I intitated the second time around of caretaking request by Pedro. Asking him to take me in after he sent me home because I had to babysit. I was used to the care, used to the company, well not used to it, but liked it so much that I’d like more.

I told half of myself that it’s enough and that I should be happy with what I have had and just leave the memories to that, but the greed side of me disagreed. And now it landed me here, finding out the truth about things.

When we originally parted, I tried to give Pedro a goodbye kiss, and he was shocked, and similarly I was shocked too. I no longer had the feelings I had for him that I thought I’d have when I kiss him, and his face just seemed extremely unpleasant.  That was the time that I finally got my peace, because I realized I also have lost my feelings for him officially. That the kiss meant nothing and felt like when I kissed my other ex when we tired to rekindle things.

A huge sense of calm and happiness followed because I realized I can finally let go, and it was then that I was able to look at his belongings that still resides in my room, and I was able to clear it all out into a box. Sure I was unable to look at photos of us together, but then again that’s asking for too much.

I was happy for a whole day until I came back to Pedro’s house and under his care again. He told me that this time around it would be different because he won’t be able to be home all the time like it was last weekend, that he won’t always be around because he have work and other plans. Of course he didn’t really shared much details to what that plan was.

Initally through text the night before when I first asked if I could stay over once again, he told me that he’d be out the whole Tuesday night and not come back home, I assumed it was just a drinking party the whole time. Later on he corrected himself or perhaps changed his mind and told me that he’d probably come back late, perhaps at 12am or something along the line. Again, I thought it was just a regular party and perhaps he changed his mind about sleeping over, but I assumed it was just lots of drinking and then bam sleep over. But it was later that night after our long talk that lasted till 3:30 am that landed me onto the bed in the guest room of Pedro’s house, and swiped through my phone that I realized it was her birthday. The girl whom was Pedro’s best friend until I told Pedro to not be friends with her because I was jealous of how close they were, the friend who caused our multiple fights and one break up (that didn’t successfully broken up, thank god), the girl who made me feel extremely insecure and gave me multiple nightmares.

It was then that it all makes sense. That Pedro is going to celebrate her birthday with her. Of course he wouldn’t tell me what it was and just phrase it to him needing to “get out” before school starts. And what am I to stop him from going out? Im not his girlfriend, I am nothing but a girl who used to hold his kid and now is just under his care because he is simply being nice. Heck, it’s none of my business. I guess somewhere in my long term memories it just bugged me to know that the person I’d want to see him with is going to be celebrating her birthday with him. And that he is going to stay the night, and if not, come back really late.

Honestly I don’t know what is going to come out of tomorrow, all I can hope for is that he’d come back early, and that he’d do it because he feels morally right to do so. Of course I can’t say much because he have already stopped caring for me, and that he have already lost all the feelings he had of me and there is no point in seeking for what is already lost. Sure there may be a few tingle here and there, but its not enough to ignite what have already been blown out.

Our love was past tense, his care was past tense, we were past tense. We were last chapter.

He said during our conversation that he is the happiest he have ever been in his life. Ouch, but hey I should be happy for him, for whatever he chooses to do with his life.

I want to be the bigger person, and let go. I want to stop holding on such a tight grip to things and be the envy one. Greiving over things I can’t have, over the people I can’t hold on to. I should be happy that it once happened rather than being sad that it no longer happens. Because life is short and we can only look forward onto bigger and better things, there’s no time in looking back because that’s just dumb.

 Maybe one day somewhere along the line we’d meet eye to eye again and he’d want to start a friendship again. Maybe one day when we are mature enough to handle each other, because as of now, it almost seems like he doesn’t want anything to do with me after all of this is over.

And I don’t blame him, having an ex as a friend is just a bad idea waiting to happen. And he just really have good self control to not make it happen. Honestly, I need to relax, loosen my grip and just let it go and see how it goes tomorrow and pray for the better, because honestly that’s all I can do right now. 

Because sometimes when you hold things too tight you not only hurt others, but in the process you'd hurt yourself too. 

Written on 7/6/2015

Waking up feeling like crap is about to fall all over the place, I couldn't get a hold of myself and had to talk to someone. But it was also then that I realized something, that I realized I was depressed.
Not wanting to do anything motivate, not wanting to get out of bed, literally just depressed from the nightmares, from the thoughts, and just from everything.
I decided it was time I do something about it, I call someone about it or something along the line.
I called psychologist office in my school which said to offer services, however they only limited to students that have been taking summer sessions, and cannot offer it to students otherwise.
Then I called the other lines in which were on the school website for off site resources, and came accross a few private clinc in which said to be open at 9am, but nobody picks up the phone for. Okay that's great.
Moving on, I called the national suicide hotline, and first time around, a deep voiced lady rudily just told me to call 221 and find nearby psychologist for help.
I called 221 and it was just la county directory, which is useless, and from the national suicide hotline they said that they'd help locate nearby help if it is wanted but sigh they don't really do their job that well.
Then from there I hung up, and called back at national suicide hotline once more, and this time a nicer lady was on the phone, and younger voice, calmer voice who was willing to listen to my troubles. She was there, didn't talk much but listened.
I told her that despite the fact that there were friends around who are willing to comfort me, it only does the minimal work at the break up because nothing they say really sticks.
You will find someone better.
He doesn't deserve you, you deserve bettter.
Why are you even like this for him? You're better than that.
You are so young, only 20, there are plenty of time to find someone
someone better will come around.
Life is beaitiful, live it.
Do something producitve with your life
Just move on, lets move on together.
Eventually you will get over him, it takes time. 
what do you even see in him?
 There are many more, but honestly in reality, none of the comforting words help, and she agreed, that at the time of grieving, nothing much like that helps. It just takes time, and all
I told her how it's not fair that he is doing so much better than I am right now, and she told me that guys have different ways of coping, and that just because on the outside he looks all alright doesn't mean that he isn't dying on the inside. But honestly, 9 month of being together yet I still don't know how he feels about me, how his thinking processes are.

The Ultimate Nightmare.

Had a terrible night trying to sleep, keep tossing and turning and woke up at 6 o clock in the morning to the sound of rain outside of the house.
I had a nightmare, one of the one that I feared the most have offically creeped its way into my sleep.
It's about Pablo, about the break up and about him moving on.
I dreamed about a lot of different setting that I don't recall where it begins, but the most major part of the dream was one day I was told that Pablo had met this new girl, and barely upon meeting and dating, he asked her for her hand in marriage. And my heart was crushed. Hand in marriage?
I saw him at the crossing light, waiting for the walking man to light up, and the girl on the street the day of the wedding, they were heading to the wedding reception, and I asked him, I dated you for so long and yet you barely met her how do you know she's the one?
He responds with, "I felt it, right when I met her, I knew she was the one," and he smiles as he looked at her. She was pretty, with perfect teeth, a bit dark skinned latino asian mix, but beautiful regardless. She looked kind, and like someone who can make him happy.
To that, I cried.
That would've been me if things didn't go wrong in our relationship. That would've been me holding him by the arm.
I tucked on his tux sleeve, didn't want to let go. Didn't want to embrace the fact that he's going to leave forever, and this time, for sure. Because the chances are, once a married man, forever a married man. And the divorce rate of Pablo and the person he is with is near impossible because he's a really tolerate-able person.
Pablo smiled a little, one of those pity smiles, one of those comforting smiles, and took me by the arm into a store. He grabbed one of the ties, and one of the women's blazer from the store and went to the corner. It was just me, his fiance and him. He wrapped the tie around my neck, (I was wearing a dress) and began to tie the tie. His fiance was impressed and said, "Wow, I didn't know you knew how to tie ties." and from there after he did it, we went to the front cashier and he paid for them both.
The last time he is this close to me, the last time...
Then he told me to take care as he left with his fiance. I cried, weeped lightly, not knowing what to do with my life anymore.
And then I saw a gaming place right next door with my nephews there and I went in and beated him in a game of smash.
I don't know where the last part came from, but upon waking up, I suddenly felt alone and afraid for the first time. It's a different kind of feeling than all the other time. This is crazy to think that I have that kind of feeling in me.
After watching inside out, I really wish my little emotion control friends in my head would help me forget about what is going on.
I don't know anymore, all I know is I am fragile, and I need/want someone to talk to right now, but I have nobody.
I want to call Pablo and tell him I had a nightmare just like before, he'd always comfort me when he wakes up and tell me that it's not real.
I want to text him and tell him to get out of my dream, to not come into my head and hurt me like that.
He gets late night thoughts, but I on the other hand get morning thoughts. And it hurts so much.
I wonder how is he right now, does he think about me at all in his late night thoughts?
He said that he removed me from facebook because he didn't want to start having late night thoughts about me, about this relationship. He says he is not completely over me, but he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. That he still can't go to places we go together. That he doesn't like seeing couple pictures, but he'd laugh it off because he'd either think, "awh they do love each other," or "haha, its just going to end in another break up".
But regardless, waking up with the nightmare got my heart ached.
I dont think I ever had this bad of a crisis, but then again it's usually always me who broke up with another, never the other way around.
He said, of course it would be hard for me, because he broke up with me, and it makes sense for me to feel that way.
When he gets married, all the hopes will be lost, there will be no more starting over, or even a chance at it. And just him moving on that fast and getting married that fast hurts.