Missing him

My mind keeps going back and forth, left and right.  It’s like in its own box of confusion. In a box where there is no door or window, no exit. In this box my mind is stuck in, the memories of my ex keep revolving around me. Won’t leave me alone. How can he be doing so much better than me when we’re both in the relationship. He said he never loved me, but is that true? Did he never love me or is he just in denial about the fact that he have loved me.

Trying to push me away each time, trying to keep his distance just hurts so much. He said he’d rather be in pain than to try again because it’s going to ultimately turn out bad. I refuse to believe otherwise. It’s true, our relationship wasn’t the most comfortable relationship. In it, it contains a lot of doubts, a lot of misunderstanding and a lot of lies we ultimately won’t tell each other unless they find out for themselves.

And the truth is, if we follow the footsteps we did in the past, it’s only going to draw the circle darker. In psychology class recently, I learened a bit about relationships. My professor talked to us about longing, and that it’s easier to go back to the way it was than to change it, and it’s true. We humans are more prone to the same routine than to change it, like taking drugs and smoking, once started it’s hard to get off of it. And relationship works exactly the same.

My professor said that even if the relationship is 80% bad and 20% good, we will be longing for it so much that the only thing in our head will be the good rather than the bad. And we will be so blinded by it that we won’t see the reality and how much it hurts us. It’s just the nature of humanity, something I hate. Because I know originally before he was going to break up with me, I thought of breaking up with him. And furthermore, before going to Disneyland, I cheated on him with this other guy who I had a crush on for the longest time when I was with my ex. I was a terrible girlfriend who doubted her boyfriend and yet expected him to trust me to the max. Like what part of that makes sense?

I told my friends and they said that most of the grief was over the fact that he was the one who broke it off with me, rather than me breaking it off with him. They said that it would’ve turned out differently if I was the one to break up with him, but would it really?

He won’t get off of my mind. It happens all the time, I don’t cherish him until he is either mad or I lose him. I think I have some abandonment issues, or else why won’t I want them when they want me and want them so badly when they finally don’t want me. Like what the hell is wrong with me.

I want to give it another shot, I want to tell myself this time around it would be different, but he doesn’t believe it would be. And he doesn’t want to go through another emotional time again like he did before, he doesn’t want to go back on his decision making.

I am so lost, I don’t even know anymore. Sleepless nights, while he is able to sleep here I am missing our past.

Seeing him again....

Moving on, passing the grief, and forgetting about the past is the hardest thing, espeically when your past keeps on huanting you, when you still feel the comfort of your past, and you still see the living reminder of him every step of the way. Yesterday and the day before was club week, and on Wednesday, he was actually there at the eningeering club booth with his friends, I guess to hangout and show support, but by doing that, got me to panic. I knew I could either walk up and do something, ignore and pretended nothing happened, and or get his attention and see what happens from there (let him know my presence). And the result of that was, I decided to let him know my presence, I went from table to table advertising for AGS and try to talk as loud as I can, and I knew he knew my presence, when he decided to put his head the other way instead of facing me or just the front. I found out the hard way that his response was just as expect, if not worst. When my friend and I ended staying in that area for a long period of time, he decided to walk up and a few steps away from the booths, and pretend to be texting on his phone. In my mind, I am just like really?

I had class so I had to leave, and ever since then, he never came back to the club booth ever again, not then, not the next day. I just assumed that he didn't want to see me, which made perfect sense if you'd as me. When I saw him, my heart beated like crazy, I didn't know what to do with myself, and honestly, I didn't want to interact with him, I didn't know what to do.

Truthfully, that influenced me for the rest of the day a lot. I would freeze on spot and just stare into space and think about that incident. I missed him, he's outer appearnce changed so much, he stopped shaving, and spiked his hair, decided to leave it short. Although he still dresses the same, that's for sure.

I had dreams about him these past few days. Dreams that won't leave me alone. And it's all about the same thing, him asking for me back or him giving us another chance.

Last night/this morning I had a dream in which he somehow appeared at my sisters' house, in her old bedroom that was before she remodeled the house, and we talked, he told me that he wanted to give it another chance, and he was wondering if I am with it, and am willing to try again. I paused, I thought about tim, I thought about the vegas trip, knowing that if I do this, it's not right for Tim. But without much hestitation, I said yes, I thought to myself that I will deal with the consequence later on in time. And from there on, we kissed and embraced, I missed him.

However, I thought for a while in the dream, this is unreal, this isn't real, because if it's real, it wouldn't have happened. However, I don't know why this time I bought into it, and I went through with it. Waking up wast the worst part, when I woke up, I was devistated and I knew that it was all just a dream, and that how could it all possibly happen?

He would never ask me back, he would never want to try it again, he gave up on us because he doesn't believe things will change. Because we tried to change and everytime when we say we'd try the things always ended back exactly where it begun. And he's been through so much emotionally he doesn't want to deal with it anymore.

It pains me to let him go, it pains me to see him from afar but can't reach him, can't be like the way we used to be.

How do people get over the ones they love?

I don't know how, I want to cry, I want to break down, and I want to scream on top of my lungs. I don't know where I am in life, I don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't even know where I am going to transfer or what major I want to do. I hate feeling this lost in life, I can't I have no one to wake up to and what I hate the most out of all is, I lost all those I once had because of how stupid I was and how in deinal I am with so many things.

I wish for them back, I really do wish for them back. But all i can do is hope and pray because what else are you suppose to do at times like this.