Moving on, passing the grief, and forgetting about the past is the hardest thing, espeically when your past keeps on huanting you, when you still feel the comfort of your past, and you still see the living reminder of him every step of the way. Yesterday and the day before was club week, and on Wednesday, he was actually there at the eningeering club booth with his friends, I guess to hangout and show support, but by doing that, got me to panic. I knew I could either walk up and do something, ignore and pretended nothing happened, and or get his attention and see what happens from there (let him know my presence). And the result of that was, I decided to let him know my presence, I went from table to table advertising for AGS and try to talk as loud as I can, and I knew he knew my presence, when he decided to put his head the other way instead of facing me or just the front. I found out the hard way that his response was just as expect, if not worst. When my friend and I ended staying in that area for a long period of time, he decided to walk up and a few steps away from the booths, and pretend to be texting on his phone. In my mind, I am just like really?
I had class so I had to leave, and ever since then, he never came back to the club booth ever again, not then, not the next day. I just assumed that he didn't want to see me, which made perfect sense if you'd as me. When I saw him, my heart beated like crazy, I didn't know what to do with myself, and honestly, I didn't want to interact with him, I didn't know what to do.
Truthfully, that influenced me for the rest of the day a lot. I would freeze on spot and just stare into space and think about that incident. I missed him, he's outer appearnce changed so much, he stopped shaving, and spiked his hair, decided to leave it short. Although he still dresses the same, that's for sure.
I had dreams about him these past few days. Dreams that won't leave me alone. And it's all about the same thing, him asking for me back or him giving us another chance.
Last night/this morning I had a dream in which he somehow appeared at my sisters' house, in her old bedroom that was before she remodeled the house, and we talked, he told me that he wanted to give it another chance, and he was wondering if I am with it, and am willing to try again. I paused, I thought about tim, I thought about the vegas trip, knowing that if I do this, it's not right for Tim. But without much hestitation, I said yes, I thought to myself that I will deal with the consequence later on in time. And from there on, we kissed and embraced, I missed him.
However, I thought for a while in the dream, this is unreal, this isn't real, because if it's real, it wouldn't have happened. However, I don't know why this time I bought into it, and I went through with it. Waking up wast the worst part, when I woke up, I was devistated and I knew that it was all just a dream, and that how could it all possibly happen?
He would never ask me back, he would never want to try it again, he gave up on us because he doesn't believe things will change. Because we tried to change and everytime when we say we'd try the things always ended back exactly where it begun. And he's been through so much emotionally he doesn't want to deal with it anymore.
It pains me to let him go, it pains me to see him from afar but can't reach him, can't be like the way we used to be.
How do people get over the ones they love?
I don't know how, I want to cry, I want to break down, and I want to scream on top of my lungs. I don't know where I am in life, I don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't even know where I am going to transfer or what major I want to do. I hate feeling this lost in life, I can't I have no one to wake up to and what I hate the most out of all is, I lost all those I once had because of how stupid I was and how in deinal I am with so many things.
I wish for them back, I really do wish for them back. But all i can do is hope and pray because what else are you suppose to do at times like this.
Showing posts with label break up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label break up. Show all posts
Friday, September 18, 2015
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Opposite Gender Friends
Opposite gender friends are something I never believed in, because male and female hormones it just makes it hard for opposite genders to be friends unless they have different sexual preferences. My opinions about opposite sex friends grew stronger when I was with my ex, because it's like whatever they do, it just doesn't seem like what friends of opposite gender should do. Heck if he does the same thing with the same gender, I wouldn't question it, but he doesn't do the same with the same gender.
I was always a little pessimistic about opposite gender friends, but it wasn't all the way there until I was with my ex and my insecurities rose up.
Feelings grow sometime spontaneously and it just makes it hard to be friends, especially when the feelings aren't mutual. Like many of my past guy friends who I been close to, we ended up not making long term friends because they ended up having a crush on me confessed about it, or I just picked up something isn't right and things just grow awkward and we just stopped talking over time.
In all honesty, now I don't believe in getting a opposite sex gender friend unless we both know we are no attracted to each other at all, because I just feel like no matter what, there is no one one doesn't grow feeling for another unless they're completely not your type.
My point got proven more after the breakup when I hooked up with one of my best friend after late night comfort. Then there was this group of guys i began to hang with, 8 guys, and slowly as I emerged into the group, the guys began to fall for me left and right and sorta made me feel like I tore the group apart.
It's like I grew closer to the guys, friendship wise, get to the bottom of their emotional problems and then comfort them, try to get them out of the emotional wreck they were in, and we drink to it, hangout, drink more, and then some how magically they just slowly grew feelings for me. Feelings I don't mutually agree back. It's like what the hell.
I just want good friends, good opposite gender friends and is that too hard to ask for? I don't understand the chemistry build up of guys, it seems like it's faster for guys to get little crushes everywhere in comparison to girls, and it is easier for guys to move on in comparison to girls.
I don't understand guys at all, just as much as I don't understand girls. Honestly, I find the whole insecure thing annoying, and i sort of find it annoying that guys fall for girls so easily, it's like get a hold of your other head please, and stop for a second and think.
For the past, many of my guy friends have ended up with a crush on me, and our friendship ended up straining because of that, perhaps it's my sarcasticness that gets people thinking that I am flirting with them when I am not intentionally trying to , or perhaps it's just something but whatever it is, it's hella annoying, and I want a break from it.
I recently have a heard stories too from a few friends, how their intial crushes were their best friends who are girls, it just makes my case of opposite gender cannot be friends more inevitable. Like if you have a opposite gender friend, you're bound to fall for her somehow, and then from there form a relationship of some sort. It's just bound to happen.
Geezus.
Someone tell me otherwise.
Because within this month, I have strained about 3 friendship alone because of their crush on me, which I feel like perhaps it's my choices that lead to where I am today, or perhaps just the way I am, the way I act. How come I can't find people I love and care for as fast as that? Why am I struggling in life over love and relationship problems?
I just want to enjoy life to the fullest and not sob over and over on the past, is that so hard to ask?
Is it so hard to ask?
I was always a little pessimistic about opposite gender friends, but it wasn't all the way there until I was with my ex and my insecurities rose up.
Feelings grow sometime spontaneously and it just makes it hard to be friends, especially when the feelings aren't mutual. Like many of my past guy friends who I been close to, we ended up not making long term friends because they ended up having a crush on me confessed about it, or I just picked up something isn't right and things just grow awkward and we just stopped talking over time.
In all honesty, now I don't believe in getting a opposite sex gender friend unless we both know we are no attracted to each other at all, because I just feel like no matter what, there is no one one doesn't grow feeling for another unless they're completely not your type.
My point got proven more after the breakup when I hooked up with one of my best friend after late night comfort. Then there was this group of guys i began to hang with, 8 guys, and slowly as I emerged into the group, the guys began to fall for me left and right and sorta made me feel like I tore the group apart.
It's like I grew closer to the guys, friendship wise, get to the bottom of their emotional problems and then comfort them, try to get them out of the emotional wreck they were in, and we drink to it, hangout, drink more, and then some how magically they just slowly grew feelings for me. Feelings I don't mutually agree back. It's like what the hell.
I just want good friends, good opposite gender friends and is that too hard to ask for? I don't understand the chemistry build up of guys, it seems like it's faster for guys to get little crushes everywhere in comparison to girls, and it is easier for guys to move on in comparison to girls.
I don't understand guys at all, just as much as I don't understand girls. Honestly, I find the whole insecure thing annoying, and i sort of find it annoying that guys fall for girls so easily, it's like get a hold of your other head please, and stop for a second and think.
For the past, many of my guy friends have ended up with a crush on me, and our friendship ended up straining because of that, perhaps it's my sarcasticness that gets people thinking that I am flirting with them when I am not intentionally trying to , or perhaps it's just something but whatever it is, it's hella annoying, and I want a break from it.
I recently have a heard stories too from a few friends, how their intial crushes were their best friends who are girls, it just makes my case of opposite gender cannot be friends more inevitable. Like if you have a opposite gender friend, you're bound to fall for her somehow, and then from there form a relationship of some sort. It's just bound to happen.
Geezus.
Someone tell me otherwise.
Because within this month, I have strained about 3 friendship alone because of their crush on me, which I feel like perhaps it's my choices that lead to where I am today, or perhaps just the way I am, the way I act. How come I can't find people I love and care for as fast as that? Why am I struggling in life over love and relationship problems?
I just want to enjoy life to the fullest and not sob over and over on the past, is that so hard to ask?
Is it so hard to ask?
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Weird Dream #2
Never masturbate before sleeping, that's something I learned the hard way I guess.
Freaking weird as hell dreams before waking up.
From dreaming about missing the 626 night market because I apparently slept for one who day and missed it, and I guess everyone else missed it too.
To dreaming about Jessica coming over and cleaning out the fridge with me, and I guess from there somehow I had a baby in my arms, and the baby became mine all of a sudden, I guess I had it or something. And it was a baby that never cries, just laughs.
I guess somehow that was Pablo and my baby, and I guess we were driving and I wasn't sure if I was going to tell Pablo about our kid.
And we just ended up driving in a corvette for a while.
Then the dream turned differently to a whole different setting I guess we were at Taiwan and going through the LAX of Taiwan, and then it was a school trip and Pablo was in another white guy blond hair's body, I guess he did something and had his body switched, but then I don't know why, even though I know its Pablo there, I said that "it's okay I like your old asian self"(like was I thinking of daniel?) But then anyways he let me hug him, which was the warmest thing in the world. Nothing else mattered when he let me hug him, nothing else mattered.
Theres this random kid fromt he neitherland that apparently was smarter than his age and according to him in his country they don't go through grade by age, but instead by intelligence
God what the hell weird dreams.....
The baby one though, made me really wish I did have a baby to care for, although I didn't know what to do or how to deal with the baby, it gave me a sense of life, a sense of purpose to live. It was calm when I held him in my arms.
Freaking weird as hell dreams before waking up.
From dreaming about missing the 626 night market because I apparently slept for one who day and missed it, and I guess everyone else missed it too.
To dreaming about Jessica coming over and cleaning out the fridge with me, and I guess from there somehow I had a baby in my arms, and the baby became mine all of a sudden, I guess I had it or something. And it was a baby that never cries, just laughs.
I guess somehow that was Pablo and my baby, and I guess we were driving and I wasn't sure if I was going to tell Pablo about our kid.
And we just ended up driving in a corvette for a while.
Then the dream turned differently to a whole different setting I guess we were at Taiwan and going through the LAX of Taiwan, and then it was a school trip and Pablo was in another white guy blond hair's body, I guess he did something and had his body switched, but then I don't know why, even though I know its Pablo there, I said that "it's okay I like your old asian self"(like was I thinking of daniel?) But then anyways he let me hug him, which was the warmest thing in the world. Nothing else mattered when he let me hug him, nothing else mattered.
Theres this random kid fromt he neitherland that apparently was smarter than his age and according to him in his country they don't go through grade by age, but instead by intelligence
God what the hell weird dreams.....
The baby one though, made me really wish I did have a baby to care for, although I didn't know what to do or how to deal with the baby, it gave me a sense of life, a sense of purpose to live. It was calm when I held him in my arms.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
First date after breakup
Going off of where I left off yesterday
I went on a date single date with this guy named Thomas (and no, if you have read any of my other posts, you would know that I never use other people's real name, or nearly almost don't, so we could easily say that Thomas isn't his real name either. I know, shocker)
Sure I had fun on the date, but it was simply fun. I really didn't cared much on half of the things he had on his plate, or talked about. It was completely different from when I was with Pablo.
This morning I kept thinking about the past, kept thinking about my date with Thomas, and thought about how selfish I am of a person.
I know I don't like Thomas that way, but I still continued to talk to him.
I made it clear to him that I didn't want a relationship, I don't want the bullshit of boyfriend and girlfriend.
I was hurt once, and I don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to pour my heart out there, just for it to be scarred again.
We're supposing on "friendship" basis, and going on dates to dates basis considering there's a second date coming in about two days. But I can't help but hate myself for putting myself in the situation I am in right now.
I don't care about Thomas, I don't care about the stories he shares, and the things he complain about. Meanwhile I love to hear about Pablo's every single tiny detail complains. I know this may sound crazy and all, but this definately gives you a sign that you shouldn't be continuing to go on a date with someone if you're not even intesrsted in the things they say.
I don't understand how Thomas is still sticking his nose into my life despite the fact that I been nothing but cold to him.
He'd text many texts, and ask if I want food here and there, at least once a day, and he'd ask if he can drop by to see me everyday, and we aren't even dating or anything.
Then I get scared, thinking....
What if this was Pablo and mine relationship before?
What if Pablo's completely lost his feelings for me? Then what's the point of me trying to force him back when he doesn't feel anything for me? It'd just be shooting myself on the knee.
But then if he still had some feelings for me somewhere in him, then that's a completely different story.
But then I will never be able to hear the complete truth or know how he truly feels about me, after all if I did in the beginning we wouldn't be where we are today.
====
I mean honesty how terrifying is it to be loved by someone so much, but you don't love them back? The feeling isn't mutual, so how can you live with that?
For some, maybe it's easy to live like that, because they're used to being care for, or perhaps money reasoning, and to them money value is more important than love.
But for others, just being able to be pampered and treated like a princess is enough, no need for real love, where it might risk getting hurt, and etc.
At the end of the day, just how much do true love worth in society?
At the end of the day, just how much do feelings and emotions worth in society?
At the end of the day, I begin to doubt humanity. Because people do judge by looks, people do percieve others, and try to gain advantage of others.
What do I get? What's the benefit of me doing this? What am I going to get out of that?
I went on a date single date with this guy named Thomas (and no, if you have read any of my other posts, you would know that I never use other people's real name, or nearly almost don't, so we could easily say that Thomas isn't his real name either. I know, shocker)
Sure I had fun on the date, but it was simply fun. I really didn't cared much on half of the things he had on his plate, or talked about. It was completely different from when I was with Pablo.
This morning I kept thinking about the past, kept thinking about my date with Thomas, and thought about how selfish I am of a person.
I know I don't like Thomas that way, but I still continued to talk to him.
I made it clear to him that I didn't want a relationship, I don't want the bullshit of boyfriend and girlfriend.
I was hurt once, and I don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to pour my heart out there, just for it to be scarred again.
We're supposing on "friendship" basis, and going on dates to dates basis considering there's a second date coming in about two days. But I can't help but hate myself for putting myself in the situation I am in right now.
I don't care about Thomas, I don't care about the stories he shares, and the things he complain about. Meanwhile I love to hear about Pablo's every single tiny detail complains. I know this may sound crazy and all, but this definately gives you a sign that you shouldn't be continuing to go on a date with someone if you're not even intesrsted in the things they say.
I don't understand how Thomas is still sticking his nose into my life despite the fact that I been nothing but cold to him.
He'd text many texts, and ask if I want food here and there, at least once a day, and he'd ask if he can drop by to see me everyday, and we aren't even dating or anything.
Then I get scared, thinking....
What if this was Pablo and mine relationship before?
What if Pablo's completely lost his feelings for me? Then what's the point of me trying to force him back when he doesn't feel anything for me? It'd just be shooting myself on the knee.
But then if he still had some feelings for me somewhere in him, then that's a completely different story.
But then I will never be able to hear the complete truth or know how he truly feels about me, after all if I did in the beginning we wouldn't be where we are today.
====
I mean honesty how terrifying is it to be loved by someone so much, but you don't love them back? The feeling isn't mutual, so how can you live with that?
For some, maybe it's easy to live like that, because they're used to being care for, or perhaps money reasoning, and to them money value is more important than love.
But for others, just being able to be pampered and treated like a princess is enough, no need for real love, where it might risk getting hurt, and etc.
At the end of the day, just how much do true love worth in society?
At the end of the day, just how much do feelings and emotions worth in society?
At the end of the day, I begin to doubt humanity. Because people do judge by looks, people do percieve others, and try to gain advantage of others.
What do I get? What's the benefit of me doing this? What am I going to get out of that?
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
True Change, Burning of all old wishes. Starting a new
I want to forget about him, I really do. I whole heartedly want to let go, want to forget want to move on. But when I truly think about him the pain just won't stop. I never treated him right, but I really miss him a lot.
I loved him, I never realized I loved him so much until I finally lost him, until he finally pushed me away. Until I no longer deserve him.
It's way too late to beg for forgiveness, for another chance. For I have used up all my chances, if there was a fairy god mother, I used her up already on all the stupid wishes.
The wishes I am burning from the past, and undoing
"I wish William would turn back around and tell me he still loves me and gives "us" another chance. And talk to me again on fb/phone."
"I wish I would soon find my real and true happiness in life and have the courage to go after it."
"Would it be selfish of me to say "I wish William and Hannah would break up, and have William love me instead"
"I wish I don't get pregnant until I am married. Especially not now. Please let me have my period this month 7/10/2014"
"I wish that Alfonso will choose to get back into the relationship with me before winter break ends. Please I promise I'll treat him right this time."
"I wish Eduardo Zamora would truely tell me how he feels about me, or at least give me an super obvious sign!"
"I wish Alfonso will hurt me no more, for I promise to be a good girlfriend, I will stop with my sarcasm, jokes, and hurtful comments for hopes of exchange that he ends or try to limit as much friendship with emmanuel carrasco (mannie)"
"I wish I will be able to find the one. the one for me. And be w/ him forever and ever."
"I wish Alfonso Mares will truly love me and let go of his friendship with Mannie because he cares for me and doesnt want to make me feel insecure, threatened, and hurt."
"I wish Danny would one day realize and regret breaking up w/ me :( 7/2/14"
"I wish I can get my period by the end of this week 8/17/14 not pregnant"
So I initiated something today. I took out all the wishes I made in the stars I folded that I had in a jar. I wanted to get rid of all of them, and start over. No more evil wishes, no more wishing for other's unhappiness. I truly want to change, and change for the better, no more evil wishes that only benefits me but not others, no more wishes that I will not commit to, no more of anything anymore. I want to be true to myself, I want to be true to others. I want to change for the better, no more taking benefits off of others, I need to be more considerate of others, and truly change.
This break up is a wake up call, I need to better myself, I need to be the better version of who I am and make people see that.
If you look at all the wishes I had up there, they were all evil wishes, or selfish wishes, or wishes I said I'd do something else in return, but I end up not doing anything. I cannot live like that anymore, I can't live not by my words. Being fakely faithful, being fake, being the bad person behind the scene that no one sees.
I want to be the true nice, and kind person that others sees, the one that I can look in the mirror and nod and approve. The person I can truly face, because all my current actions, all the things I done are nothing but lies and dishonesty.
If I expect people to give me chances, I need to show them I am worthy of chances, that I am willing to take the longer way out than taking the short cut.
I am sick and tired of myself of how I am and who I am. I grew up selfishly, everything is just me, me and me. There is never others in my eyes unless it benefits me. I cannot live that way. I just can't.
It takes me 20 years to realize all the evil I have done, well, then let me live the next 20 years trying to change for the better, and give back to the society. No matter if my ex will see it, no matter if my ex will come back to me or not, I am not doing it just for him, but also myself, for my future.
Whatever happens from here on now, I will take full on responsibility for. I will try to be as honest as possible, I will try to be a better person, and go on from there. Although there is already a little white lie I have told that have to be continued to tell for a while, but besides that I am willing to give up myself and everything else for my ex to come back and give me another chance.
I loved him, I never realized I loved him so much until I finally lost him, until he finally pushed me away. Until I no longer deserve him.
It's way too late to beg for forgiveness, for another chance. For I have used up all my chances, if there was a fairy god mother, I used her up already on all the stupid wishes.
The wishes I am burning from the past, and undoing
"I wish William would turn back around and tell me he still loves me and gives "us" another chance. And talk to me again on fb/phone."
"I wish I would soon find my real and true happiness in life and have the courage to go after it."
"Would it be selfish of me to say "I wish William and Hannah would break up, and have William love me instead"
"I wish I don't get pregnant until I am married. Especially not now. Please let me have my period this month 7/10/2014"
"I wish that Alfonso will choose to get back into the relationship with me before winter break ends. Please I promise I'll treat him right this time."
"I wish Eduardo Zamora would truely tell me how he feels about me, or at least give me an super obvious sign!"
"I wish Alfonso will hurt me no more, for I promise to be a good girlfriend, I will stop with my sarcasm, jokes, and hurtful comments for hopes of exchange that he ends or try to limit as much friendship with emmanuel carrasco (mannie)"
"I wish I will be able to find the one. the one for me. And be w/ him forever and ever."
"I wish Alfonso Mares will truly love me and let go of his friendship with Mannie because he cares for me and doesnt want to make me feel insecure, threatened, and hurt."
"I wish Danny would one day realize and regret breaking up w/ me :( 7/2/14"
"I wish I can get my period by the end of this week 8/17/14 not pregnant"
So I initiated something today. I took out all the wishes I made in the stars I folded that I had in a jar. I wanted to get rid of all of them, and start over. No more evil wishes, no more wishing for other's unhappiness. I truly want to change, and change for the better, no more evil wishes that only benefits me but not others, no more wishes that I will not commit to, no more of anything anymore. I want to be true to myself, I want to be true to others. I want to change for the better, no more taking benefits off of others, I need to be more considerate of others, and truly change.
This break up is a wake up call, I need to better myself, I need to be the better version of who I am and make people see that.
If you look at all the wishes I had up there, they were all evil wishes, or selfish wishes, or wishes I said I'd do something else in return, but I end up not doing anything. I cannot live like that anymore, I can't live not by my words. Being fakely faithful, being fake, being the bad person behind the scene that no one sees.
I want to be the true nice, and kind person that others sees, the one that I can look in the mirror and nod and approve. The person I can truly face, because all my current actions, all the things I done are nothing but lies and dishonesty.
If I expect people to give me chances, I need to show them I am worthy of chances, that I am willing to take the longer way out than taking the short cut.
I am sick and tired of myself of how I am and who I am. I grew up selfishly, everything is just me, me and me. There is never others in my eyes unless it benefits me. I cannot live that way. I just can't.
It takes me 20 years to realize all the evil I have done, well, then let me live the next 20 years trying to change for the better, and give back to the society. No matter if my ex will see it, no matter if my ex will come back to me or not, I am not doing it just for him, but also myself, for my future.
Whatever happens from here on now, I will take full on responsibility for. I will try to be as honest as possible, I will try to be a better person, and go on from there. Although there is already a little white lie I have told that have to be continued to tell for a while, but besides that I am willing to give up myself and everything else for my ex to come back and give me another chance.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Confliction on the path to take.
I want to say I forgot about him, I want to say I have already given up, already put all my hopes away in a jar, and want to leave it all alone, but I can't. He always holds a special spot in my heart. and it's something I can't just erase from my heart. Sure I numbed my feelings for him, but I feel like my body did that for self protection because of how much it's handled this month, all the shock, all the constant hurt it's been getting, it just closed itself up.
However just because it did that doesn't mean I don't miss him. It was after hanging with Cindy, made me realize, I love him. Sure my heart doesn't butterfly for him, I don't get those cute couple feelings I get in the beginning, but I want to try, I want to not give up, I want to prove to him that this is going to work, and make him trust me. I want to earn his trust, I want to open up his heart again to me. I want him to give us another shot, another chance. I want him to believe in me, believe that this time is going to be difference and am willing to risk it all.
It's already too late. His determined, and now with school starting and everything it's going to be harder for him to say yes to something that he have set his mind to since a month ago.
Who am I to say anything anymore.
Maybe I am the only one who's still giving hope to this that never had a hope to begin with. Maybe I am just being dumb.
If he gave up, if he already let go of the last of hopes, who am I to say anything. My opinion wouldn't matter unless there is the two of us agreeing on something.
I realized a bit last week that we are all human, therefore rules can be bent, what is said could be change. Because we are all human, we have feelings, we have emotions, and that tend to change things. From what was originally a never to do thing, it became a we're going to do once thing, and from there it became a we're going to do just one more, to we should stop but didn't, to this is the last time because we won't be seeing each other again.
Human nature change over time, and reaction to certain things change over time, and of course the way things turn out could change too.
I don't know as of now whether should I be holding onto hopes, or letting go of my hopes. I am scared holding on to hopes will only lead me to disappointments, but I am such a hopeful person, it's impossible to not try to think of the bright side of things.
He is someone who I can talk about anything with, who listens. Although he isn't a great wall because he tend to say dumb things at times, but I do appreciate his presence.
What if nothing works? Then I don't just forever lose a boyfriend but a best friend who I shared everything with. I lose the person who I could've showed my change to, to prove to. The person I cared so much about and the person who makes me the happiest. I really don't need him to be there all the time, I don't need his time, I don't need him to prioritize anything in front of me, but I just don't want to lose him in my life. I understand he have other things in his life that is more important, and I am never going to make him choose between his education or career over me, because look how terrible last year turned out. I want to gain his trust again from the basis, and show him the difference I can make and make him believe in me. But he won't even listen or take anything in I say. And he have this whole mindset that this is better for the both is us in the long run, and everything is just going to go back and he is going to have an emotional toll and etc. but if he had to block me out of his life, and from time to time pain from this break up, then why are we both paining from something when we can potentially make it work? I don't know
I don't understand why I am emotional in the morning when normal people get emotional at night. Something's wrong with me.
However just because it did that doesn't mean I don't miss him. It was after hanging with Cindy, made me realize, I love him. Sure my heart doesn't butterfly for him, I don't get those cute couple feelings I get in the beginning, but I want to try, I want to not give up, I want to prove to him that this is going to work, and make him trust me. I want to earn his trust, I want to open up his heart again to me. I want him to give us another shot, another chance. I want him to believe in me, believe that this time is going to be difference and am willing to risk it all.
It's already too late. His determined, and now with school starting and everything it's going to be harder for him to say yes to something that he have set his mind to since a month ago.
Who am I to say anything anymore.
Maybe I am the only one who's still giving hope to this that never had a hope to begin with. Maybe I am just being dumb.
If he gave up, if he already let go of the last of hopes, who am I to say anything. My opinion wouldn't matter unless there is the two of us agreeing on something.
I realized a bit last week that we are all human, therefore rules can be bent, what is said could be change. Because we are all human, we have feelings, we have emotions, and that tend to change things. From what was originally a never to do thing, it became a we're going to do once thing, and from there it became a we're going to do just one more, to we should stop but didn't, to this is the last time because we won't be seeing each other again.
Human nature change over time, and reaction to certain things change over time, and of course the way things turn out could change too.
I don't know as of now whether should I be holding onto hopes, or letting go of my hopes. I am scared holding on to hopes will only lead me to disappointments, but I am such a hopeful person, it's impossible to not try to think of the bright side of things.
He is someone who I can talk about anything with, who listens. Although he isn't a great wall because he tend to say dumb things at times, but I do appreciate his presence.
What if nothing works? Then I don't just forever lose a boyfriend but a best friend who I shared everything with. I lose the person who I could've showed my change to, to prove to. The person I cared so much about and the person who makes me the happiest. I really don't need him to be there all the time, I don't need his time, I don't need him to prioritize anything in front of me, but I just don't want to lose him in my life. I understand he have other things in his life that is more important, and I am never going to make him choose between his education or career over me, because look how terrible last year turned out. I want to gain his trust again from the basis, and show him the difference I can make and make him believe in me. But he won't even listen or take anything in I say. And he have this whole mindset that this is better for the both is us in the long run, and everything is just going to go back and he is going to have an emotional toll and etc. but if he had to block me out of his life, and from time to time pain from this break up, then why are we both paining from something when we can potentially make it work? I don't know
I don't understand why I am emotional in the morning when normal people get emotional at night. Something's wrong with me.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Day 3 after everything
Waking up early in the morning to a nightmare again, to losing him. Haven't had a nightmare like that for a while, haven't had a nightmare like that for two weeks now, and suddenly having it again really is putting a toll on me, on my morning emotions, and wake up routine.
I want to give up so badly, I want to let go, I want to move on. My feelings for him are numb, but then the memories forbid me to move on. The new set of memories I created with him along with the old ones that were put on hold.
I hate the feeling. Maybe going back the second time waasn't a good idea. Perhaps he was right about getting closer, that we shouldn't have gotten that much closer, just because of how much more painful it was pulling myself apart from him again.
I want to know how he is doing, and if he is struggling just like I am, or is he doing better than me?
He have a actual job, actual hobby, things to work on, and summer school while I am just stuck at home thinking about the same thing over and over. No wonder it's killing me way more than its killing him.
I remember when Daniel and I first broke up (my second boyfriend, the one before this one), I had other things to do, college, and etc to keep my core focus away from the pain. Sure there was pain, but it didn't sink that deep within. I remember crying at school that day when he let go of me after a fight, saying that he couldn't take it anymore. Which now thinking about it, is similar to what Pablo said (my most current ex).
That night when we spoke to 4am, he told me that he had a limit and the relationship way exceeded his limit, and he doesn't want to deal with it anymore. I regret every moment of me taking advantage of him. I regret a lot of things, knowing that I shouldn't have done it, but I let my emotion get the best of me, and ultimately losing him.
I don't want to live this way, live in a life where I can't control my emotions, let it run loose and get the worst of me. I want to be able to keep those who I truly value around, and I want to do it before it's too late, because I lose anymore people I treasure.
I dislike my personality, and how I value things way differently than they should be valued. I don't realize their value until I lose them. Reading back to my other entries of my digital journal, it made me realize something, that it's always when I am on the edge of losing Pablo that I write a letter of regret or something along the line. It's not right.
Human nature, we are never satisfied, we are greedy creature who always want to have more, always want the better end of the stick, and just always compare ourselves to others at time. Its something that comes to us naturally, and it makes me sick that I am like that. I should be satisfied with what I have rather than keep comparing to the nonexistence.
When I was with Pablo, I keep comparing my relationship with my past even though clearly they're over. I keep thinking to myself, that I can always go back to my old relationship if this one fails, that at least Daniel does this, Pablo doesn't even do that. But in reality, I didn't realize how much that was hurting me mentally and hurting the relationship. That kind of thoughts shouldn't even be approved to have in the first place.
Number one, I don't even love Daniel, I don't even want to be in a realtionship with him in the first place, so why I am even thinking that, and telling myself I can always go back to him. Sure he will take me anytime because he is single and did want me back at some point. He is a easy target if I just want to land back to a stage before. But I knew clearly I didn't want that, so why was I thinking that?
Number two, Daniel was a rebound that I ended up spending 2 years of my life with, sure we had our good times, but I never truly had feelings for him like I had with Pablo or Wilson (lets say that was my first boyfriend's name).
Number three, are you dating Daniel right now? No. So how the hell do you know if he can and will do it better than Pablo. What the hell was I even thinking at the time? I have no idea.
I remember when I was dating Daniel, I did the similar thing and thought about Wilson. I tend to live in the past a little too much, leading to a lot of argument because I think I am not treated the way I was suppose to be treated.
I was a spoiled bum when it comes to being in a relationship because I always get what I want when I want it. And with Pablo letting me, it just makes it way easier to take advantage of him without noticing, which is something I wanted to slap myself in the face for. I can't believe I didn't see it. How uncomfortable I was when Daniel was demanding me to do things, how uncomfortable when I feel like a lot of times I am forced against my will, and have no voice or say in things. Yet when I am in a relationship with Pablo, I did exactly what Daniel did to me. Barely leaving him room to breath.
It didn't have a good foundation to begin with, we escalated way too quickly, and without first or second date, we went straight base after base after the first kiss. And it didn't take long for home run to happen when usually in dating it should be the opposite. He emphaised on that a lot, because that was the main thing that led to this distrust. Because according to him if I can move that fast with him, then that must mean I can move that fast with anyone, but he was the only one who I ever was comfortable in moving that fast with.
This is weird that I only just realized this right now as I am typing, but I was comfortable with everything since the beginning. Sure in the beginning it was a bit weird, and scary because it was all new, but then I wasn't uncomfortable like how I was when I was with Daniel.
Yesterday I was on the phone with my friend who was interning at Washington DC (3 hour difference, yet she stayed on the phone with me till 1am, which over there was 4am, thank you. let's call her Ida) While being on the phone with Ida I realized that I was never comfortable with the idea of sex when I was with Daniel. When we first had it, I wasn't mentally or physcially ready, and througout the relationship, i dont think I was ever ready. Sure there were hormones in me that got me want to do things, but never sex with him. Maybe it's just my memories fabricating on me, but I was never so willing and so comfortable in something like sex until I met Pablo.
Why are all these realization hitting me so late in life, way too late to achieve anything anymore. It's just like humans realize they're ruining the earth a few billion years too late even though they knew what they were doing and what the consequences were.
Like what do you mean cutting trees kills life, kills bioamosphere, and cause more CO2 in the environment, and green house gases. What do you mean we are low on tree and oxygen production? What do you mean that we are all going to die because of the lack of trees? So you're telling me that making paper kills trees?
Dumb logic people don't start analyzing until late, I mean yeah sure it beats never realizing it, but it doesn't make it better realizing it all this late.
I think humanity and their thinking process is stupid. I mean its beautiful, but sometimes stupid, or maybe just mine.
I want to give up so badly, I want to let go, I want to move on. My feelings for him are numb, but then the memories forbid me to move on. The new set of memories I created with him along with the old ones that were put on hold.
I hate the feeling. Maybe going back the second time waasn't a good idea. Perhaps he was right about getting closer, that we shouldn't have gotten that much closer, just because of how much more painful it was pulling myself apart from him again.
I want to know how he is doing, and if he is struggling just like I am, or is he doing better than me?
He have a actual job, actual hobby, things to work on, and summer school while I am just stuck at home thinking about the same thing over and over. No wonder it's killing me way more than its killing him.
I remember when Daniel and I first broke up (my second boyfriend, the one before this one), I had other things to do, college, and etc to keep my core focus away from the pain. Sure there was pain, but it didn't sink that deep within. I remember crying at school that day when he let go of me after a fight, saying that he couldn't take it anymore. Which now thinking about it, is similar to what Pablo said (my most current ex).
That night when we spoke to 4am, he told me that he had a limit and the relationship way exceeded his limit, and he doesn't want to deal with it anymore. I regret every moment of me taking advantage of him. I regret a lot of things, knowing that I shouldn't have done it, but I let my emotion get the best of me, and ultimately losing him.
I don't want to live this way, live in a life where I can't control my emotions, let it run loose and get the worst of me. I want to be able to keep those who I truly value around, and I want to do it before it's too late, because I lose anymore people I treasure.
I dislike my personality, and how I value things way differently than they should be valued. I don't realize their value until I lose them. Reading back to my other entries of my digital journal, it made me realize something, that it's always when I am on the edge of losing Pablo that I write a letter of regret or something along the line. It's not right.
Human nature, we are never satisfied, we are greedy creature who always want to have more, always want the better end of the stick, and just always compare ourselves to others at time. Its something that comes to us naturally, and it makes me sick that I am like that. I should be satisfied with what I have rather than keep comparing to the nonexistence.
When I was with Pablo, I keep comparing my relationship with my past even though clearly they're over. I keep thinking to myself, that I can always go back to my old relationship if this one fails, that at least Daniel does this, Pablo doesn't even do that. But in reality, I didn't realize how much that was hurting me mentally and hurting the relationship. That kind of thoughts shouldn't even be approved to have in the first place.
Number one, I don't even love Daniel, I don't even want to be in a realtionship with him in the first place, so why I am even thinking that, and telling myself I can always go back to him. Sure he will take me anytime because he is single and did want me back at some point. He is a easy target if I just want to land back to a stage before. But I knew clearly I didn't want that, so why was I thinking that?
Number two, Daniel was a rebound that I ended up spending 2 years of my life with, sure we had our good times, but I never truly had feelings for him like I had with Pablo or Wilson (lets say that was my first boyfriend's name).
Number three, are you dating Daniel right now? No. So how the hell do you know if he can and will do it better than Pablo. What the hell was I even thinking at the time? I have no idea.
I remember when I was dating Daniel, I did the similar thing and thought about Wilson. I tend to live in the past a little too much, leading to a lot of argument because I think I am not treated the way I was suppose to be treated.
I was a spoiled bum when it comes to being in a relationship because I always get what I want when I want it. And with Pablo letting me, it just makes it way easier to take advantage of him without noticing, which is something I wanted to slap myself in the face for. I can't believe I didn't see it. How uncomfortable I was when Daniel was demanding me to do things, how uncomfortable when I feel like a lot of times I am forced against my will, and have no voice or say in things. Yet when I am in a relationship with Pablo, I did exactly what Daniel did to me. Barely leaving him room to breath.
When you hold someone too tight, barely leaving them room to breathe, you will only end up losing them in the process.I want to do anything in my power to get him back, but then he doesn't want back into this relationship in particular because of all the bad its done was way over the goods. He lost his feelings for me, lost the feeling of love for a while, he thought if he tried hard enough he could perhaps get it back, or perhaps be happy, or perhaps we would be happy, but that didn't last long because of how I am and how this relationship was structured.
It didn't have a good foundation to begin with, we escalated way too quickly, and without first or second date, we went straight base after base after the first kiss. And it didn't take long for home run to happen when usually in dating it should be the opposite. He emphaised on that a lot, because that was the main thing that led to this distrust. Because according to him if I can move that fast with him, then that must mean I can move that fast with anyone, but he was the only one who I ever was comfortable in moving that fast with.
This is weird that I only just realized this right now as I am typing, but I was comfortable with everything since the beginning. Sure in the beginning it was a bit weird, and scary because it was all new, but then I wasn't uncomfortable like how I was when I was with Daniel.
Yesterday I was on the phone with my friend who was interning at Washington DC (3 hour difference, yet she stayed on the phone with me till 1am, which over there was 4am, thank you. let's call her Ida) While being on the phone with Ida I realized that I was never comfortable with the idea of sex when I was with Daniel. When we first had it, I wasn't mentally or physcially ready, and througout the relationship, i dont think I was ever ready. Sure there were hormones in me that got me want to do things, but never sex with him. Maybe it's just my memories fabricating on me, but I was never so willing and so comfortable in something like sex until I met Pablo.
Why are all these realization hitting me so late in life, way too late to achieve anything anymore. It's just like humans realize they're ruining the earth a few billion years too late even though they knew what they were doing and what the consequences were.
Like what do you mean cutting trees kills life, kills bioamosphere, and cause more CO2 in the environment, and green house gases. What do you mean we are low on tree and oxygen production? What do you mean that we are all going to die because of the lack of trees? So you're telling me that making paper kills trees?
Dumb logic people don't start analyzing until late, I mean yeah sure it beats never realizing it, but it doesn't make it better realizing it all this late.
I think humanity and their thinking process is stupid. I mean its beautiful, but sometimes stupid, or maybe just mine.
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Monday, July 6, 2015
Written on 7/6/2015
Waking up feeling like crap is about to fall all over the place, I couldn't get a hold of myself and had to talk to someone. But it was also then that I realized something, that I realized I was depressed.
Not wanting to do anything motivate, not wanting to get out of bed, literally just depressed from the nightmares, from the thoughts, and just from everything.
I decided it was time I do something about it, I call someone about it or something along the line.
I called psychologist office in my school which said to offer services, however they only limited to students that have been taking summer sessions, and cannot offer it to students otherwise.
Then I called the other lines in which were on the school website for off site resources, and came accross a few private clinc in which said to be open at 9am, but nobody picks up the phone for. Okay that's great.
Moving on, I called the national suicide hotline, and first time around, a deep voiced lady rudily just told me to call 221 and find nearby psychologist for help.
I called 221 and it was just la county directory, which is useless, and from the national suicide hotline they said that they'd help locate nearby help if it is wanted but sigh they don't really do their job that well.
Then from there I hung up, and called back at national suicide hotline once more, and this time a nicer lady was on the phone, and younger voice, calmer voice who was willing to listen to my troubles. She was there, didn't talk much but listened.
I told her that despite the fact that there were friends around who are willing to comfort me, it only does the minimal work at the break up because nothing they say really sticks.
You will find someone better.
He doesn't deserve you, you deserve bettter.
Why are you even like this for him? You're better than that.
You are so young, only 20, there are plenty of time to find someone
someone better will come around.
Life is beaitiful, live it.
Do something producitve with your life
Just move on, lets move on together.
Eventually you will get over him, it takes time.
what do you even see in him?
There are many more, but honestly in reality, none of the comforting words help, and she agreed, that at the time of grieving, nothing much like that helps. It just takes time, and all
I told her how it's not fair that he is doing so much better than I am right now, and she told me that guys have different ways of coping, and that just because on the outside he looks all alright doesn't mean that he isn't dying on the inside. But honestly, 9 month of being together yet I still don't know how he feels about me, how his thinking processes are.
Not wanting to do anything motivate, not wanting to get out of bed, literally just depressed from the nightmares, from the thoughts, and just from everything.
I decided it was time I do something about it, I call someone about it or something along the line.
I called psychologist office in my school which said to offer services, however they only limited to students that have been taking summer sessions, and cannot offer it to students otherwise.
Then I called the other lines in which were on the school website for off site resources, and came accross a few private clinc in which said to be open at 9am, but nobody picks up the phone for. Okay that's great.
Moving on, I called the national suicide hotline, and first time around, a deep voiced lady rudily just told me to call 221 and find nearby psychologist for help.
I called 221 and it was just la county directory, which is useless, and from the national suicide hotline they said that they'd help locate nearby help if it is wanted but sigh they don't really do their job that well.
Then from there I hung up, and called back at national suicide hotline once more, and this time a nicer lady was on the phone, and younger voice, calmer voice who was willing to listen to my troubles. She was there, didn't talk much but listened.
I told her that despite the fact that there were friends around who are willing to comfort me, it only does the minimal work at the break up because nothing they say really sticks.
You will find someone better.
He doesn't deserve you, you deserve bettter.
Why are you even like this for him? You're better than that.
You are so young, only 20, there are plenty of time to find someone
someone better will come around.
Life is beaitiful, live it.
Do something producitve with your life
Just move on, lets move on together.
Eventually you will get over him, it takes time.
what do you even see in him?
There are many more, but honestly in reality, none of the comforting words help, and she agreed, that at the time of grieving, nothing much like that helps. It just takes time, and all
I told her how it's not fair that he is doing so much better than I am right now, and she told me that guys have different ways of coping, and that just because on the outside he looks all alright doesn't mean that he isn't dying on the inside. But honestly, 9 month of being together yet I still don't know how he feels about me, how his thinking processes are.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
The last conversation 07/02/2015
I don't understand love, I don't understand relationship and I most likely don't understand commitment and what it means to be committed to a relationship.
While doing chores, and scanning my nephew's artwork for my sister, I came across his father's card to his dad, it says, "I love you because you buy ice cream. Also you let me get candy, also I love you because you let me almost play game for a hour."
How cute, and naive. How adorable and simple. Kids don't really understand what love is, and I feel like even at the age of 20, I still don't understand what love is.
Initially, I planned to light 100 candles at the park as an apology to confess to him my discovery in my mistake, and my apologies, wanting to get him back, and tell him I want to treat him right this time. No more pain, no more sorrow and emotional unnecessary arguments. Despite how tired I was from one whole day of plane transferring, I stilled pulled off with it, with the help of my friends, who helped me obtain the candles and the lighters.
I scouted for the perfect location where there is less wind (since park usually are extremely windy at night). It took about half an hour to find a location where the candles would stay lit,
Despite the fact that I was super exsuasted, jet lagged, I still went out of my way and lit the candles (which according to the packaging would last 4-5 hours) and drove to Pablo's house, planning to call him out the house, and take him to the park where I'd tell him my apologies only to find out that he isn't home, and that furthermore, he didn't pick up my phone call. Then as I went on facebook, I realized he deleted me off of facebook too, which got me crying. My last trace of him is now gone as well, as the only relatiopnship we have online is having 109 mutual friends. Someone who I tagged in so many post, all of a sudden, stranger again. The sadness just pierced through my heart like a sword.
I couldn't handle any of that, I texted him, "Pablo, can we talk" "Please."
And thinking that he probably most likely wouldn't reply, because he usually replies almost immediately, but later at 1am replied with, "No sorry, there is nothing to talk about, take care, bye."
Half of me was glad he at least replied but the other half knew that was it, it was over.
I didn't know what to do, and that night I decided the only way to see him one last time was to go to his work. Driving from west covina 2 hours earlier than his expected off work time in case of traffic or any other circumstance that will lead me to miss him, and from there I waited for him to get off of work, hoping that everything will turn out alright.
Right when I saw a familiar backpack, I quickly power walked towards him, just as he closed his trunk, I grabbed his arm and held it as close to me as possible. My heart beated super fast, I could barely breath, what's wrong with me? Right when I grabbed him he jumped, from not expecting me to be back from Mexico, and he said that I was the last thing on his mind (from 1-99 he said I was like the 99th thing there.) that he was thinking about work and what he needs to do later today on his to do list, and all of a sudden I showed up.
He looked around seemingly like he didn't want others he know to see this so I asked if we could talk somewhere else (was planning to anyways), and he thought for a bit and said okay and together we drove (separately) to the nearby park.
While driving there I shook, I didn't know what I was going to say to him. All the things I have that I wanted to say all of a sudden disappear when I saw him and held his arm by my side. He makes my head go blank, as crazy as that sound.
While driving there I called Irene in panic, didn't know what to say or what to do. When we parked, we both sat in the car for a bit before exiting. It seemed like one of those slow motion dramatic moments.
From there we walked to a shaded bench, I walked far apart from him, felt so distant, something I am not used to. Still confused about how to start the conversation, how to start everything.
===
Pablo told me recently (last Thursday when I met with him 07/02/2015) that he lost the feeling of love, in the very beginning of the relationship. He didn't know when, or how, but he told me at some point in time he just stopped loving me.
Then I asked him why did he continue through with the relationship, even despite the break ups. And he replies by telling me that, he initially thought that it'd be okay if he just cared for me, just continued to care, continue to try, but then every time we argue, he realizes that it isn't working, that I am asking for way more than he can give, way more than his care can afford.
And it's true, I ask for a lot, that usually I can't even give that much myself, I just expect rather than give back, rather than think about how the others feel, think about how he feels.
He then referenced it to the last argument we had right before the breakup. The souvenir break up, where he blames himself for not being able to go out of the way to get me something nicer as a souvenir rather than a free shirt. That he doesn't love me enough to buy me something nice (I feel like he was referencing to his colleague, who got me a penguin key chain because I asked him to get me something, but the thing is that isn't love, getting someone nicer thing isn't love, it's not about the quality of the item but the meaning behind getting someone something). But honestly, the reason for the argument and me being upset that day was because I was conflicted over my feelings, confused, and conflicted. Then when he picked up the penguin that his collegue got me that was on the side of the car, because I didn't know where to place it yet, I recalled the fact that he hasn't given me his souvenirs yet, and it was late. And I began to give him unnecessary attitude over it, over the fact that normal people don't have to wait three, four weeks and then have to ask for their sourvienirs, usually it's just given. I was so overwhelmed by my negative thoughts that I ignored his feelings completely.
He was slient for a few moment before he said that he didn't know where he placed them. And that only got me more into the negative feelings I already have that overwhelmed me.
Pablo just stood there, and I just looked away angrily. How hurt he must have felt from all my comments, from all my negative energy I give out.
I told him forget it and that just go back in, because at that time I had to go grab dinner with my friends from high school, but then little did I know he went to look for the sourvirns at the trunk of his car.
He didn't forget about them, because at time he'd tell me the souvieirs are still in his car, but just he is a bit forgetful sometimes and he have been busy with me, his work and school of course he wouldn't have the time, and what it's not like the gifts are going anywhere, I don't know why I always have to be so angry at things.
Pablo came back later to my surprise because I thought he had already left home, but he had a shirt in one hand and a cup in another.
Pablo got me an extra shirt from maker faire*, a shirt in which I recall he loved to wear because it was soft and would always brag about. And I wasn't upset because he got me a free shirt, I was upset at what he said later, that he lost my shirt and he have to give me the one he already wore. And from there I made a huge fuss about it and cried when I could've just used my words. Stupidity I know.
My princess attitude usually gets the best of me, and I hated that about me, that it always gets the best of me without my control. And then later gets me in trouble. And I \never learn.
The next gift was from San Diego, when he went to a game over there, at the Petco Park. I recall him saying there's something important about the cup when we were phoning one day, that I probably wouldn't know but he didn't really go into details. But anyways I got so upset that I forgot to thank him for going out of his way in the first place to get me something.
I forgot the essencial thank you for getting me a gift, instead I got upset.
Then from there he sat down on the side of my car and told me that "I think you should go find someone else, someone else who care for you more than me, because obviously I don't care for you enough to get you something nice, I can't even go the extra mile to get you something decent."
Did he mistook my upset over the fact that he lost my shirt as a upset over the fact he think he gave me something crappy? Because honestly I wasn't mad over the shirt. (well I was, but for a whole completely different reason)
And from there the break up happened.
Sure anyone can get me somthing nice, heck I can get something nice for people I don't care about because they really want it or something like that, but to put thoughts into the gift? To bring something back means a lot already.
I got too overwhelmed by my negativity to realize the initial importance, that he thought of me enough to get me something back.
I mean look at me during CES, did I get him something nice? No, I got him a lanyard, a freaking lanyard and that's it, yet he was happy.
Happiness should be simple, should be easy, should be something shared and doesn't need more to acquire.
What moved me was he said, "I really did try to make it work. I really did try." And I know he did, that's the thing.
I felt it, but he didn't feel anything from me. Perhaps random act of kindness here and there, but if we were to put the amount of things I did and amount of things he did, he would probably be the brick of gold, and mine would be the flick of feather.
He apologized to me for not breaking up with me earlier, lingering for so long, making me more emotionally attached to him than I would've been if he broke it off earlier. But I was glad this all happened, that he didn't break it off until now, that we experienced so much together.
I had so much happy times with him that I didn't mind. I loved the times I spent with him just as much as I regretted the times where I didn't appreciate him.
I then asked him, then why beg for my forgiveness at the time when I was trying to break off with him? Why try so hard to get me back then?
He told me he didn't want to end it at a bad note, that he didn't want to end it with him being at fault, ending it like that would make him feel bad, and he doesn't like ending things in bad note.
In our talk, I also asked him why he deleted me off of Facebook and he chuckled a bit and said, "is that what you were worried about?"
The mood of the conversation suddenly got lighter with the chuckle, "Well, no not that but well yes."
He then explained that it was nothing personal , it was just the matter of fact that he had attachment with me, and he didn't want to see my name pop up on his Facebook. Although he long unfollowed me, (because he doesn't like seeing me tagging myself in places making him feel insecure and what not when its unnecessary, and that's why when he wants to know where I am he looks at my profile instead of his news feed) he wants to completely cut off from me. He said that he doesn't believe in being friends with his ex, and that he was never friends with his other exs, so he isn't going to make the exception for me (even though initially he said we could be friends, what a liar. but I get where he's coming from).
From there the conversation got a bit lighter, I don't remember much of the conversation detail since its been three days or so, but I just know it wasn't uncomfortable. I asked him if he feels uncomfortable about this meet up he said no, nor the conversation.
But when I hugged him and begged him for the relationship back, well more like semi reasoned the relationship with him he said no all the way and pushed me away, telling me to not touch him. He said that the only reason he is here to talk to me is because he wants to answer any question that I have to ask, any left over questions I have and that he is just being way too nice, and that he doesn't feel anything for me anymore or want anything to do with me anymore.
And that he doesn't want the relationship, not this one, not a relationship either.
And that I need to stop touching him.
That he have changed, and he have set his priority, and that this isn't in his priority right now. That he wants to focus on other things.
And that he is no longer the Pablo he was two weeks ago, that he was no longer the Pablo then. That he changed.
He said that he have gone back from his words too many times, and he wants to finally stick with something, that he wants to finally stand by something he says or decide in.
It hurts, because of all that he said, because I want to be the exception, I want to go back to his arm, and I want him to take me back, I want so much I miss his hugs, miss his comfort and miss him telling me everything is going to be okay.
He changed his hairstyle, and now his attitude towards things, although he is still the Pablo I know, the distance scares me. I am not a big fan of changes, that's why when this all happened, I panicked.
I wish this would just be like the other time. I hated myself for telling myself to give him space.
Then I begin to think stupid thoughts like I always have, thoughts that doesn't make sense, and are worst, but I just think about it anyways. What if I continued to beg him the first week we broke up? Then what are the chances we'd get back together, why did I have to reflect upon myself and tell myself not to talk to him?
He told me that very first day, he cried the whole night, he let all his emotions out, and then that week and the week following he grieved and got over me.
If I refleted and then talked to him right after instead of waiting till I get back from mexico, would it all have been different?
Cindy told me to give him space, but I feel like space only made us further. Perhaps he would've done the same thing regardless, not take me back, but I don't know. There's just so much what if going through my head then.
====
maker faire*:Maker Faire is an all-ages gathering of tech enthusiasts, crafters, educators, tinkerers, hobbyists, engineers, science clubs, authors, artists, students, and commercial exhibitors. All of these “makers” come to Maker Faire to show what they have made and to share what they have learned.
(http://makerfaire.com/makerfairehistory/)
While doing chores, and scanning my nephew's artwork for my sister, I came across his father's card to his dad, it says, "I love you because you buy ice cream. Also you let me get candy, also I love you because you let me almost play game for a hour."
How cute, and naive. How adorable and simple. Kids don't really understand what love is, and I feel like even at the age of 20, I still don't understand what love is.
Initially, I planned to light 100 candles at the park as an apology to confess to him my discovery in my mistake, and my apologies, wanting to get him back, and tell him I want to treat him right this time. No more pain, no more sorrow and emotional unnecessary arguments. Despite how tired I was from one whole day of plane transferring, I stilled pulled off with it, with the help of my friends, who helped me obtain the candles and the lighters.
I scouted for the perfect location where there is less wind (since park usually are extremely windy at night). It took about half an hour to find a location where the candles would stay lit,
Despite the fact that I was super exsuasted, jet lagged, I still went out of my way and lit the candles (which according to the packaging would last 4-5 hours) and drove to Pablo's house, planning to call him out the house, and take him to the park where I'd tell him my apologies only to find out that he isn't home, and that furthermore, he didn't pick up my phone call. Then as I went on facebook, I realized he deleted me off of facebook too, which got me crying. My last trace of him is now gone as well, as the only relatiopnship we have online is having 109 mutual friends. Someone who I tagged in so many post, all of a sudden, stranger again. The sadness just pierced through my heart like a sword.
I couldn't handle any of that, I texted him, "Pablo, can we talk" "Please."
And thinking that he probably most likely wouldn't reply, because he usually replies almost immediately, but later at 1am replied with, "No sorry, there is nothing to talk about, take care, bye."
Half of me was glad he at least replied but the other half knew that was it, it was over.
I didn't know what to do, and that night I decided the only way to see him one last time was to go to his work. Driving from west covina 2 hours earlier than his expected off work time in case of traffic or any other circumstance that will lead me to miss him, and from there I waited for him to get off of work, hoping that everything will turn out alright.
Right when I saw a familiar backpack, I quickly power walked towards him, just as he closed his trunk, I grabbed his arm and held it as close to me as possible. My heart beated super fast, I could barely breath, what's wrong with me? Right when I grabbed him he jumped, from not expecting me to be back from Mexico, and he said that I was the last thing on his mind (from 1-99 he said I was like the 99th thing there.) that he was thinking about work and what he needs to do later today on his to do list, and all of a sudden I showed up.
He looked around seemingly like he didn't want others he know to see this so I asked if we could talk somewhere else (was planning to anyways), and he thought for a bit and said okay and together we drove (separately) to the nearby park.
While driving there I shook, I didn't know what I was going to say to him. All the things I have that I wanted to say all of a sudden disappear when I saw him and held his arm by my side. He makes my head go blank, as crazy as that sound.
While driving there I called Irene in panic, didn't know what to say or what to do. When we parked, we both sat in the car for a bit before exiting. It seemed like one of those slow motion dramatic moments.
From there we walked to a shaded bench, I walked far apart from him, felt so distant, something I am not used to. Still confused about how to start the conversation, how to start everything.
===
Pablo told me recently (last Thursday when I met with him 07/02/2015) that he lost the feeling of love, in the very beginning of the relationship. He didn't know when, or how, but he told me at some point in time he just stopped loving me.
Then I asked him why did he continue through with the relationship, even despite the break ups. And he replies by telling me that, he initially thought that it'd be okay if he just cared for me, just continued to care, continue to try, but then every time we argue, he realizes that it isn't working, that I am asking for way more than he can give, way more than his care can afford.
And it's true, I ask for a lot, that usually I can't even give that much myself, I just expect rather than give back, rather than think about how the others feel, think about how he feels.
He then referenced it to the last argument we had right before the breakup. The souvenir break up, where he blames himself for not being able to go out of the way to get me something nicer as a souvenir rather than a free shirt. That he doesn't love me enough to buy me something nice (I feel like he was referencing to his colleague, who got me a penguin key chain because I asked him to get me something, but the thing is that isn't love, getting someone nicer thing isn't love, it's not about the quality of the item but the meaning behind getting someone something). But honestly, the reason for the argument and me being upset that day was because I was conflicted over my feelings, confused, and conflicted. Then when he picked up the penguin that his collegue got me that was on the side of the car, because I didn't know where to place it yet, I recalled the fact that he hasn't given me his souvenirs yet, and it was late. And I began to give him unnecessary attitude over it, over the fact that normal people don't have to wait three, four weeks and then have to ask for their sourvienirs, usually it's just given. I was so overwhelmed by my negative thoughts that I ignored his feelings completely.
He was slient for a few moment before he said that he didn't know where he placed them. And that only got me more into the negative feelings I already have that overwhelmed me.
Pablo just stood there, and I just looked away angrily. How hurt he must have felt from all my comments, from all my negative energy I give out.
I told him forget it and that just go back in, because at that time I had to go grab dinner with my friends from high school, but then little did I know he went to look for the sourvirns at the trunk of his car.
He didn't forget about them, because at time he'd tell me the souvieirs are still in his car, but just he is a bit forgetful sometimes and he have been busy with me, his work and school of course he wouldn't have the time, and what it's not like the gifts are going anywhere, I don't know why I always have to be so angry at things.
Pablo came back later to my surprise because I thought he had already left home, but he had a shirt in one hand and a cup in another.
Pablo got me an extra shirt from maker faire*, a shirt in which I recall he loved to wear because it was soft and would always brag about. And I wasn't upset because he got me a free shirt, I was upset at what he said later, that he lost my shirt and he have to give me the one he already wore. And from there I made a huge fuss about it and cried when I could've just used my words. Stupidity I know.
My princess attitude usually gets the best of me, and I hated that about me, that it always gets the best of me without my control. And then later gets me in trouble. And I \never learn.
The next gift was from San Diego, when he went to a game over there, at the Petco Park. I recall him saying there's something important about the cup when we were phoning one day, that I probably wouldn't know but he didn't really go into details. But anyways I got so upset that I forgot to thank him for going out of his way in the first place to get me something.
I forgot the essencial thank you for getting me a gift, instead I got upset.
Then from there he sat down on the side of my car and told me that "I think you should go find someone else, someone else who care for you more than me, because obviously I don't care for you enough to get you something nice, I can't even go the extra mile to get you something decent."
Did he mistook my upset over the fact that he lost my shirt as a upset over the fact he think he gave me something crappy? Because honestly I wasn't mad over the shirt. (well I was, but for a whole completely different reason)
And from there the break up happened.
Sure anyone can get me somthing nice, heck I can get something nice for people I don't care about because they really want it or something like that, but to put thoughts into the gift? To bring something back means a lot already.
I got too overwhelmed by my negativity to realize the initial importance, that he thought of me enough to get me something back.
I mean look at me during CES, did I get him something nice? No, I got him a lanyard, a freaking lanyard and that's it, yet he was happy.
Happiness should be simple, should be easy, should be something shared and doesn't need more to acquire.
What moved me was he said, "I really did try to make it work. I really did try." And I know he did, that's the thing.
I felt it, but he didn't feel anything from me. Perhaps random act of kindness here and there, but if we were to put the amount of things I did and amount of things he did, he would probably be the brick of gold, and mine would be the flick of feather.
He apologized to me for not breaking up with me earlier, lingering for so long, making me more emotionally attached to him than I would've been if he broke it off earlier. But I was glad this all happened, that he didn't break it off until now, that we experienced so much together.
I had so much happy times with him that I didn't mind. I loved the times I spent with him just as much as I regretted the times where I didn't appreciate him.
I then asked him, then why beg for my forgiveness at the time when I was trying to break off with him? Why try so hard to get me back then?
He told me he didn't want to end it at a bad note, that he didn't want to end it with him being at fault, ending it like that would make him feel bad, and he doesn't like ending things in bad note.
In our talk, I also asked him why he deleted me off of Facebook and he chuckled a bit and said, "is that what you were worried about?"
The mood of the conversation suddenly got lighter with the chuckle, "Well, no not that but well yes."
He then explained that it was nothing personal , it was just the matter of fact that he had attachment with me, and he didn't want to see my name pop up on his Facebook. Although he long unfollowed me, (because he doesn't like seeing me tagging myself in places making him feel insecure and what not when its unnecessary, and that's why when he wants to know where I am he looks at my profile instead of his news feed) he wants to completely cut off from me. He said that he doesn't believe in being friends with his ex, and that he was never friends with his other exs, so he isn't going to make the exception for me (even though initially he said we could be friends, what a liar. but I get where he's coming from).
From there the conversation got a bit lighter, I don't remember much of the conversation detail since its been three days or so, but I just know it wasn't uncomfortable. I asked him if he feels uncomfortable about this meet up he said no, nor the conversation.
But when I hugged him and begged him for the relationship back, well more like semi reasoned the relationship with him he said no all the way and pushed me away, telling me to not touch him. He said that the only reason he is here to talk to me is because he wants to answer any question that I have to ask, any left over questions I have and that he is just being way too nice, and that he doesn't feel anything for me anymore or want anything to do with me anymore.
And that he doesn't want the relationship, not this one, not a relationship either.
And that I need to stop touching him.
That he have changed, and he have set his priority, and that this isn't in his priority right now. That he wants to focus on other things.
And that he is no longer the Pablo he was two weeks ago, that he was no longer the Pablo then. That he changed.
He said that he have gone back from his words too many times, and he wants to finally stick with something, that he wants to finally stand by something he says or decide in.
It hurts, because of all that he said, because I want to be the exception, I want to go back to his arm, and I want him to take me back, I want so much I miss his hugs, miss his comfort and miss him telling me everything is going to be okay.
He changed his hairstyle, and now his attitude towards things, although he is still the Pablo I know, the distance scares me. I am not a big fan of changes, that's why when this all happened, I panicked.
I wish this would just be like the other time. I hated myself for telling myself to give him space.
Then I begin to think stupid thoughts like I always have, thoughts that doesn't make sense, and are worst, but I just think about it anyways. What if I continued to beg him the first week we broke up? Then what are the chances we'd get back together, why did I have to reflect upon myself and tell myself not to talk to him?
He told me that very first day, he cried the whole night, he let all his emotions out, and then that week and the week following he grieved and got over me.
If I refleted and then talked to him right after instead of waiting till I get back from mexico, would it all have been different?
Cindy told me to give him space, but I feel like space only made us further. Perhaps he would've done the same thing regardless, not take me back, but I don't know. There's just so much what if going through my head then.
====
maker faire*:Maker Faire is an all-ages gathering of tech enthusiasts, crafters, educators, tinkerers, hobbyists, engineers, science clubs, authors, artists, students, and commercial exhibitors. All of these “makers” come to Maker Faire to show what they have made and to share what they have learned.
(http://makerfaire.com/makerfairehistory/)
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