Seeing him again....

Moving on, passing the grief, and forgetting about the past is the hardest thing, espeically when your past keeps on huanting you, when you still feel the comfort of your past, and you still see the living reminder of him every step of the way. Yesterday and the day before was club week, and on Wednesday, he was actually there at the eningeering club booth with his friends, I guess to hangout and show support, but by doing that, got me to panic. I knew I could either walk up and do something, ignore and pretended nothing happened, and or get his attention and see what happens from there (let him know my presence). And the result of that was, I decided to let him know my presence, I went from table to table advertising for AGS and try to talk as loud as I can, and I knew he knew my presence, when he decided to put his head the other way instead of facing me or just the front. I found out the hard way that his response was just as expect, if not worst. When my friend and I ended staying in that area for a long period of time, he decided to walk up and a few steps away from the booths, and pretend to be texting on his phone. In my mind, I am just like really?

I had class so I had to leave, and ever since then, he never came back to the club booth ever again, not then, not the next day. I just assumed that he didn't want to see me, which made perfect sense if you'd as me. When I saw him, my heart beated like crazy, I didn't know what to do with myself, and honestly, I didn't want to interact with him, I didn't know what to do.

Truthfully, that influenced me for the rest of the day a lot. I would freeze on spot and just stare into space and think about that incident. I missed him, he's outer appearnce changed so much, he stopped shaving, and spiked his hair, decided to leave it short. Although he still dresses the same, that's for sure.

I had dreams about him these past few days. Dreams that won't leave me alone. And it's all about the same thing, him asking for me back or him giving us another chance.

Last night/this morning I had a dream in which he somehow appeared at my sisters' house, in her old bedroom that was before she remodeled the house, and we talked, he told me that he wanted to give it another chance, and he was wondering if I am with it, and am willing to try again. I paused, I thought about tim, I thought about the vegas trip, knowing that if I do this, it's not right for Tim. But without much hestitation, I said yes, I thought to myself that I will deal with the consequence later on in time. And from there on, we kissed and embraced, I missed him.

However, I thought for a while in the dream, this is unreal, this isn't real, because if it's real, it wouldn't have happened. However, I don't know why this time I bought into it, and I went through with it. Waking up wast the worst part, when I woke up, I was devistated and I knew that it was all just a dream, and that how could it all possibly happen?

He would never ask me back, he would never want to try it again, he gave up on us because he doesn't believe things will change. Because we tried to change and everytime when we say we'd try the things always ended back exactly where it begun. And he's been through so much emotionally he doesn't want to deal with it anymore.

It pains me to let him go, it pains me to see him from afar but can't reach him, can't be like the way we used to be.

How do people get over the ones they love?

I don't know how, I want to cry, I want to break down, and I want to scream on top of my lungs. I don't know where I am in life, I don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't even know where I am going to transfer or what major I want to do. I hate feeling this lost in life, I can't I have no one to wake up to and what I hate the most out of all is, I lost all those I once had because of how stupid I was and how in deinal I am with so many things.

I wish for them back, I really do wish for them back. But all i can do is hope and pray because what else are you suppose to do at times like this.

Opposite Gender Friends

Opposite gender friends are something I never believed in, because male and female hormones it just makes it hard for opposite genders to be friends unless they have different sexual preferences. My opinions about opposite sex friends grew stronger when I was with my ex, because it's like whatever they do, it just doesn't seem like what friends of opposite gender should do. Heck if he does the same thing with the same gender, I wouldn't question it, but he doesn't do the same with the same gender.
I was always a little pessimistic about opposite gender friends, but it wasn't all the way there until I was with my ex and my insecurities rose up.
Feelings grow sometime spontaneously and it just makes it hard to be friends, especially when the feelings aren't mutual. Like many of my past guy friends who I been close to, we ended up not making long term friends because they ended up having a crush on me confessed about it, or I just picked up something isn't right and things just grow awkward and we just stopped talking over time.
In all honesty, now I don't believe in getting a opposite sex gender friend unless we both know we are no attracted to each other at all, because I just feel like no matter what, there is no one one doesn't grow feeling for another unless they're completely not your type.

My point got proven more after the breakup when I hooked up with one of my best friend after late night comfort. Then there was this group of guys i began to hang with, 8 guys, and slowly as I emerged into the group, the guys began to fall for me left and right and sorta made me feel like I tore the group apart.

It's like I grew closer to the guys, friendship wise, get to the bottom of their emotional problems and then comfort them, try to get them out of the emotional wreck they were in, and we drink to it, hangout, drink more, and then some how magically they just slowly grew feelings for me. Feelings I don't mutually agree back. It's like what the hell.

I just want good friends, good opposite gender friends and is that too hard to ask for? I don't understand the chemistry build up of guys, it seems like it's faster for guys to get little crushes everywhere in comparison to girls, and it is easier for guys to move on in comparison to girls.

I don't understand guys at all, just as much as I don't understand girls. Honestly, I find the whole insecure thing annoying, and i sort of find it annoying that guys fall for girls so easily, it's like get a hold of your other head please, and stop for a second and think.

For the past, many of my guy friends have ended up with a crush on me, and our friendship ended up straining because of that, perhaps it's my sarcasticness that gets people thinking that I am flirting with them when I am not intentionally trying to , or perhaps it's just something but whatever it is, it's hella annoying, and I want a break from it.

I recently have a heard stories too from a few friends, how their intial crushes were their best friends who are girls, it just makes my case of opposite gender cannot be friends more inevitable. Like if you have a opposite gender friend, you're bound to fall for her somehow, and then from there form a relationship of some sort. It's just bound to happen.

Geezus.

Someone tell me otherwise.

Because within this month, I have strained about 3 friendship alone because of their crush on me, which I feel like perhaps it's my choices that lead to where I am today, or perhaps just the way I am, the way I act. How come I can't find people I love and care for as fast as that? Why am I struggling in life over love and relationship problems?

I just want to enjoy life to the fullest and not sob over and over on the past, is that so hard to ask?

Is it so hard to ask?

Insecurities and trust

I don't understand, I don't understand at all.

I was so sure that my feelings for Pablo have faded, so sure that there was nothing left anymore but painful memories, but it still hurts somewhere inside when thinking about him. This emptiness, the desire to want to hold his hands, to want to feel again, and want to talk to him is killing me on the inside. This feeling and urge of want comes at random time. The urge of wanting to see him or talk to him, it comes with lots of different emotions in which I don't even understand myself.

I love him a little too late, I loved him when I lost him. Who the hell does that? I didn't know how much he meant to me until I lost him, classic.

I should've known the first three times we broke up. I should've listened, should've realized.

The happiness I had back in January when we got back together, that very night when we made out in the car after he agreed to give it another try, I told myself that I'd have to remember this forever, this feeling, this happiness, and not let anything get to me again and cause arguement. I need to rememeber that feeling. But overtime I forgot, I was stupid.

How the hell did we get here?

Flashbacks on all the memories we had, I can only remember the happy ones, what is wrong with me.

It pains so much, can someone please take it all away? Can someone please save me from this place?

Tonight I was on Netflix and I watched TheBest of Me (IMDb). 

It's a movie based on Nicholas Sparks' book, The Best of Me.

It's a movie about a love who was separated due to terrible fate, and moved on to different path, but was eventually after led back together after over 10  some years due to fate, but only to be separated again, but this time by death. It's a modern Romeo and Juliet.

It's a true tragic, but it was a really good movie, makes me want to buy the book even though I know I am not going to read it.

Anyways, the movie got me thinking a lot, that maybe in the future we'd get a chance, Pablo and I, to get back together, meet again in the path of life. But then what are the risks? Him getting married, him finding a girlfriend who he thinks he loves, or perhaps me getting with someone who I don't truly love but settles for?

Sometime during the 9 month of the relationship we had together, I'd question myself, why am I still with him when I can settle for better? Why am I with him when he doesnt seem like he cared all that much, but the true question was, why was he still with me when I don't seem to be caring all that much. I am just a emotional wreck, someone who needs to tone their hormones down, and calm their emotions down.

I hate to break it to myself, but what if how I feel about Timmy is just exactly how Pablo feels about me but maybe stronger? The thought of that scared me a little, because after the first date, I realized I had no feelings for him, how terrfying is it to go on a date, and hold someone's hand that you don't really love, your heart doesn't truly beat for, and all you see is friendship?  Timmy is a guy who asked me out on a date recently, and I agreed, thinking that it'd help me move on, sure when I was with him, I didn't think much about the sadness, we joked and talked. I try to enjoy the moments as much as I can, we laughed, we cuddled, we kissed at the end of the date. But I didn't have any feelings, sure there may be simple attraction, like oh he's good looking, but when we kissed, there were no sparks. I didn't long for a hug like I longed for Pablo's hug when I first started with Pablo.

The feeling I had when I kissed Pablo, even after we broke up, I thought what was originally just the hormones was actually not just hormones. When Pablo and I kissed, my heart rate rose, I thought it was just me getting excited because I was getting turned on, but what if I was turned on because somewhere inside I still have feelings for him but I just hide it so well and am in denial for it because I been hurted so much?

I don't know how Pablo feels when we had break up sex, nor how he felt when we first hugged or kissed, how the kiss was, how everything was, whether or not he felt anything at all, or to him I was just a hole he'd hump, but I can tell you although after sex, there were not much attraction after because we released all our hormones, what was shown in the initial beginning isn't nothing.

Was it just comfort and memories? I'd ask myself that, Or was there more? I want to find out, I want to prove to Pablo that we can do better than before, that there was still something there, it may be small and detached from the rest of his emotions because he chose to place it away and lock it, but I want to show him that I won't pain him like I did before, make him worry and give him emotional tolls. I know I can't see the future, because honestly who the hell can? I want to trust him, I want him to trust me.

Yesterday when I was having one of those anxiety attacks because my thoughts just got to me, I realized something. I kept doubting him so much, keep questioning him so much that I end up making him question me too. Trust is a mutual thing, and how do I expect him to trust me when I question his care all the time.

"You don't care about me"

"You don't care about me enough"

"Fine just go talk to other girls"

"Wrong girlfriend"

There are more than 1000 things I said that just isn't comfortable in general. Things I shouldn't be even saying in a relationship that I trust.

What rights do I have in getting mad at him when I question all his actions? Why am i so insecure in our relationship? Because we never had  a good foundation? Because I think things will be taken away from me? Because I am just a paranoid person who is insecure a lot like him?

He and I are alike in many ways, and that is one of them. We never sat down to work on it, instead, we just tell each other, who we can and can't hang out with, instead we just keep building on that insecurity, building onto that.

Confliction on the path to take.

I want to say I forgot about him, I want to say I have already given up, already put all my hopes away in a jar, and want to leave it all alone, but I can't. He always holds a special spot in my heart. and it's something I can't just erase from my heart. Sure I numbed my feelings for him, but I feel like my body did that for self protection because of how much it's handled this month, all the shock, all the constant hurt it's been getting, it just closed itself up.
However just because it did that doesn't mean I don't miss him. It was after hanging with Cindy, made me realize, I love him. Sure my heart doesn't butterfly for him, I don't get those cute couple feelings I get in the beginning, but I want to try, I want to not give up, I want to prove to him that this is going to work, and make him trust me. I want to earn his trust, I want to open up his heart again to me. I want him to give us another shot, another chance. I want him to believe in me, believe that this time is going to be difference and am willing to risk it all.
It's already too late. His determined, and now with school starting and everything it's going to be harder for him to say yes to something that he have set his mind to since a month ago.
Who am I to say anything anymore.
Maybe I am the only one who's still giving hope to this that never had a hope to begin with. Maybe I am just being dumb.
If he gave up, if he already let go of the last of hopes, who am I to say anything. My opinion wouldn't matter unless there is the two of us agreeing on something.
I realized a bit last week that we are all human, therefore rules can be bent, what is said could be change. Because we are all human, we have feelings, we have emotions, and that tend to change things. From what was originally a never to do thing, it became a we're going to do once thing, and from there it became a we're going to do just one more, to we should stop but didn't, to this is the last time because we won't be seeing each other again.
Human nature change over time, and reaction to certain things change over time, and of course the way things turn out could change too.
I don't know as of now whether should I be holding onto hopes, or letting go of my hopes. I am scared holding on to hopes will only lead me to disappointments, but I am such a hopeful person, it's impossible to not try to think of the bright side of things.

He is someone who I can talk about anything with, who listens. Although he isn't a great wall because he tend to say dumb things at times, but I do appreciate his presence.

What if nothing works? Then I don't just forever lose a boyfriend but a best friend who I shared everything with. I lose the person who I could've showed my change to, to prove to. The person I cared so much about and the person who makes me the happiest. I really don't need him to be there all the time, I don't need his time, I don't need him to prioritize anything in front of me, but I just don't want to lose him in my life. I understand he have other things in his life that is more important, and I am never going to make him choose between his education or career over me, because look how terrible last year turned out. I want to gain his trust again from the basis, and show him the difference I can make and make him believe in me. But he won't even listen or take anything in I say. And he have this whole mindset that this is better for the both is us in the long run, and everything is just going to go back and he is going to have an emotional toll and etc. but if he had to block me out of his life, and from time to time pain from this break up, then why are we both paining from something when we can potentially make it work? I don't know

I don't understand why I am emotional in the morning when normal people get emotional at night. Something's wrong with me.