Seeing him again....

Moving on, passing the grief, and forgetting about the past is the hardest thing, espeically when your past keeps on huanting you, when you still feel the comfort of your past, and you still see the living reminder of him every step of the way. Yesterday and the day before was club week, and on Wednesday, he was actually there at the eningeering club booth with his friends, I guess to hangout and show support, but by doing that, got me to panic. I knew I could either walk up and do something, ignore and pretended nothing happened, and or get his attention and see what happens from there (let him know my presence). And the result of that was, I decided to let him know my presence, I went from table to table advertising for AGS and try to talk as loud as I can, and I knew he knew my presence, when he decided to put his head the other way instead of facing me or just the front. I found out the hard way that his response was just as expect, if not worst. When my friend and I ended staying in that area for a long period of time, he decided to walk up and a few steps away from the booths, and pretend to be texting on his phone. In my mind, I am just like really?

I had class so I had to leave, and ever since then, he never came back to the club booth ever again, not then, not the next day. I just assumed that he didn't want to see me, which made perfect sense if you'd as me. When I saw him, my heart beated like crazy, I didn't know what to do with myself, and honestly, I didn't want to interact with him, I didn't know what to do.

Truthfully, that influenced me for the rest of the day a lot. I would freeze on spot and just stare into space and think about that incident. I missed him, he's outer appearnce changed so much, he stopped shaving, and spiked his hair, decided to leave it short. Although he still dresses the same, that's for sure.

I had dreams about him these past few days. Dreams that won't leave me alone. And it's all about the same thing, him asking for me back or him giving us another chance.

Last night/this morning I had a dream in which he somehow appeared at my sisters' house, in her old bedroom that was before she remodeled the house, and we talked, he told me that he wanted to give it another chance, and he was wondering if I am with it, and am willing to try again. I paused, I thought about tim, I thought about the vegas trip, knowing that if I do this, it's not right for Tim. But without much hestitation, I said yes, I thought to myself that I will deal with the consequence later on in time. And from there on, we kissed and embraced, I missed him.

However, I thought for a while in the dream, this is unreal, this isn't real, because if it's real, it wouldn't have happened. However, I don't know why this time I bought into it, and I went through with it. Waking up wast the worst part, when I woke up, I was devistated and I knew that it was all just a dream, and that how could it all possibly happen?

He would never ask me back, he would never want to try it again, he gave up on us because he doesn't believe things will change. Because we tried to change and everytime when we say we'd try the things always ended back exactly where it begun. And he's been through so much emotionally he doesn't want to deal with it anymore.

It pains me to let him go, it pains me to see him from afar but can't reach him, can't be like the way we used to be.

How do people get over the ones they love?

I don't know how, I want to cry, I want to break down, and I want to scream on top of my lungs. I don't know where I am in life, I don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't even know where I am going to transfer or what major I want to do. I hate feeling this lost in life, I can't I have no one to wake up to and what I hate the most out of all is, I lost all those I once had because of how stupid I was and how in deinal I am with so many things.

I wish for them back, I really do wish for them back. But all i can do is hope and pray because what else are you suppose to do at times like this.

Opposite Gender Friends

Opposite gender friends are something I never believed in, because male and female hormones it just makes it hard for opposite genders to be friends unless they have different sexual preferences. My opinions about opposite sex friends grew stronger when I was with my ex, because it's like whatever they do, it just doesn't seem like what friends of opposite gender should do. Heck if he does the same thing with the same gender, I wouldn't question it, but he doesn't do the same with the same gender.
I was always a little pessimistic about opposite gender friends, but it wasn't all the way there until I was with my ex and my insecurities rose up.
Feelings grow sometime spontaneously and it just makes it hard to be friends, especially when the feelings aren't mutual. Like many of my past guy friends who I been close to, we ended up not making long term friends because they ended up having a crush on me confessed about it, or I just picked up something isn't right and things just grow awkward and we just stopped talking over time.
In all honesty, now I don't believe in getting a opposite sex gender friend unless we both know we are no attracted to each other at all, because I just feel like no matter what, there is no one one doesn't grow feeling for another unless they're completely not your type.

My point got proven more after the breakup when I hooked up with one of my best friend after late night comfort. Then there was this group of guys i began to hang with, 8 guys, and slowly as I emerged into the group, the guys began to fall for me left and right and sorta made me feel like I tore the group apart.

It's like I grew closer to the guys, friendship wise, get to the bottom of their emotional problems and then comfort them, try to get them out of the emotional wreck they were in, and we drink to it, hangout, drink more, and then some how magically they just slowly grew feelings for me. Feelings I don't mutually agree back. It's like what the hell.

I just want good friends, good opposite gender friends and is that too hard to ask for? I don't understand the chemistry build up of guys, it seems like it's faster for guys to get little crushes everywhere in comparison to girls, and it is easier for guys to move on in comparison to girls.

I don't understand guys at all, just as much as I don't understand girls. Honestly, I find the whole insecure thing annoying, and i sort of find it annoying that guys fall for girls so easily, it's like get a hold of your other head please, and stop for a second and think.

For the past, many of my guy friends have ended up with a crush on me, and our friendship ended up straining because of that, perhaps it's my sarcasticness that gets people thinking that I am flirting with them when I am not intentionally trying to , or perhaps it's just something but whatever it is, it's hella annoying, and I want a break from it.

I recently have a heard stories too from a few friends, how their intial crushes were their best friends who are girls, it just makes my case of opposite gender cannot be friends more inevitable. Like if you have a opposite gender friend, you're bound to fall for her somehow, and then from there form a relationship of some sort. It's just bound to happen.

Geezus.

Someone tell me otherwise.

Because within this month, I have strained about 3 friendship alone because of their crush on me, which I feel like perhaps it's my choices that lead to where I am today, or perhaps just the way I am, the way I act. How come I can't find people I love and care for as fast as that? Why am I struggling in life over love and relationship problems?

I just want to enjoy life to the fullest and not sob over and over on the past, is that so hard to ask?

Is it so hard to ask?

Weird Dream #2

Never masturbate before sleeping, that's something I learned the hard way I guess.
Freaking weird as hell dreams before waking up.
From dreaming about missing the 626 night market because I apparently slept for one who day and missed it, and I guess everyone else missed it too.
To dreaming about Jessica coming over and cleaning out the fridge with me, and I guess from there somehow I had a baby in my arms, and the baby became mine all of a sudden, I guess I had it or something. And it was a baby that never cries, just laughs.
I guess somehow that was Pablo and my baby, and I guess we were driving and I wasn't sure if I was going to tell Pablo about our kid.
And we just ended up driving in a corvette for a while.

Then the dream turned differently to a whole different setting I guess we were at Taiwan and going through the LAX of Taiwan, and then it was a school trip and Pablo was in another white guy blond hair's body, I guess he did something and had his body switched, but then I don't know why, even though I know its Pablo there, I said that "it's okay I like your old asian self"(like was I thinking of daniel?) But then anyways he let me hug him, which was the warmest thing in the world. Nothing else mattered when he let me hug him, nothing else mattered.

Theres this random kid fromt he neitherland that apparently was smarter than his age and according to him in his country they don't go through grade by age, but instead by intelligence

God what the hell weird dreams.....

The baby one though, made me really wish I did have a baby to care for, although I didn't know what to do or how to deal with the baby, it gave me a sense of life, a sense of purpose to live. It was calm when I held him in my arms.

First date after breakup

Going off of where I left off yesterday 
I went on a date single date with this guy named Thomas (and no, if you have read any of my other posts, you would know that I never use other people's real name, or nearly almost don't, so we could easily say that Thomas isn't his real name either. I know, shocker)
Sure I had fun on the date, but it was simply fun. I really didn't cared much on half of the things he had on his plate, or talked about. It was completely different from when I was with Pablo.
 This morning I kept thinking about the past, kept thinking about my date with Thomas, and thought about how selfish I am of a person.
I know I don't like Thomas that way, but I still continued to talk to him.
I made it clear to him that I didn't want a relationship, I don't want the bullshit of boyfriend and girlfriend.
I was hurt once, and I don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to pour my heart out there, just for it to be scarred again.
We're supposing on "friendship" basis, and going on dates to dates basis considering there's a second date coming in about two days. But I can't help but hate myself for putting myself in the situation I am in right now.
I don't care about Thomas, I don't care about the stories he shares, and the things he complain about. Meanwhile I love to hear about Pablo's every single tiny detail complains. I know this may sound crazy and all, but this definately gives you a sign that you shouldn't be continuing to go on a date with someone if you're not even intesrsted in the things they say.
I don't understand how Thomas is still sticking his nose into my life despite the fact that I been nothing but cold to him.
He'd text many texts, and ask if I want food here and there, at least once a day, and he'd ask if he can drop by to see me everyday, and we aren't even dating or anything.
Then I get scared, thinking....
What if this was Pablo and mine relationship before?
What if Pablo's completely lost his feelings for me? Then what's the point of me trying to force him back when he doesn't feel anything for me? It'd just be shooting myself on the knee.
But then if he still had some feelings for me somewhere in him, then that's a completely different story.
But then I will never be able to hear the complete truth or know how he truly feels about me, after all if I did in the beginning we wouldn't be where we are today.

====
I mean honesty how terrifying is it to be loved by someone so much, but you don't love them back? The feeling isn't mutual, so how can you live with that?
For some, maybe it's easy to live like that, because they're used to being care for, or perhaps money reasoning, and to them money value is more important than love.
But for others, just being able to be pampered and treated like a princess is enough, no need for real love, where it might risk getting hurt, and etc.

At the end of the day, just how much do true love worth in society?
At the end of the day, just how much do feelings and emotions worth in society?

At the end of the day, I begin to doubt humanity. Because people do judge by looks, people do percieve others, and try to gain advantage of others.
What do I get? What's the benefit of me doing this? What am I going to get out of that?

Insecurities and trust

I don't understand, I don't understand at all.

I was so sure that my feelings for Pablo have faded, so sure that there was nothing left anymore but painful memories, but it still hurts somewhere inside when thinking about him. This emptiness, the desire to want to hold his hands, to want to feel again, and want to talk to him is killing me on the inside. This feeling and urge of want comes at random time. The urge of wanting to see him or talk to him, it comes with lots of different emotions in which I don't even understand myself.

I love him a little too late, I loved him when I lost him. Who the hell does that? I didn't know how much he meant to me until I lost him, classic.

I should've known the first three times we broke up. I should've listened, should've realized.

The happiness I had back in January when we got back together, that very night when we made out in the car after he agreed to give it another try, I told myself that I'd have to remember this forever, this feeling, this happiness, and not let anything get to me again and cause arguement. I need to rememeber that feeling. But overtime I forgot, I was stupid.

How the hell did we get here?

Flashbacks on all the memories we had, I can only remember the happy ones, what is wrong with me.

It pains so much, can someone please take it all away? Can someone please save me from this place?

Tonight I was on Netflix and I watched TheBest of Me (IMDb). 

It's a movie based on Nicholas Sparks' book, The Best of Me.

It's a movie about a love who was separated due to terrible fate, and moved on to different path, but was eventually after led back together after over 10  some years due to fate, but only to be separated again, but this time by death. It's a modern Romeo and Juliet.

It's a true tragic, but it was a really good movie, makes me want to buy the book even though I know I am not going to read it.

Anyways, the movie got me thinking a lot, that maybe in the future we'd get a chance, Pablo and I, to get back together, meet again in the path of life. But then what are the risks? Him getting married, him finding a girlfriend who he thinks he loves, or perhaps me getting with someone who I don't truly love but settles for?

Sometime during the 9 month of the relationship we had together, I'd question myself, why am I still with him when I can settle for better? Why am I with him when he doesnt seem like he cared all that much, but the true question was, why was he still with me when I don't seem to be caring all that much. I am just a emotional wreck, someone who needs to tone their hormones down, and calm their emotions down.

I hate to break it to myself, but what if how I feel about Timmy is just exactly how Pablo feels about me but maybe stronger? The thought of that scared me a little, because after the first date, I realized I had no feelings for him, how terrfying is it to go on a date, and hold someone's hand that you don't really love, your heart doesn't truly beat for, and all you see is friendship?  Timmy is a guy who asked me out on a date recently, and I agreed, thinking that it'd help me move on, sure when I was with him, I didn't think much about the sadness, we joked and talked. I try to enjoy the moments as much as I can, we laughed, we cuddled, we kissed at the end of the date. But I didn't have any feelings, sure there may be simple attraction, like oh he's good looking, but when we kissed, there were no sparks. I didn't long for a hug like I longed for Pablo's hug when I first started with Pablo.

The feeling I had when I kissed Pablo, even after we broke up, I thought what was originally just the hormones was actually not just hormones. When Pablo and I kissed, my heart rate rose, I thought it was just me getting excited because I was getting turned on, but what if I was turned on because somewhere inside I still have feelings for him but I just hide it so well and am in denial for it because I been hurted so much?

I don't know how Pablo feels when we had break up sex, nor how he felt when we first hugged or kissed, how the kiss was, how everything was, whether or not he felt anything at all, or to him I was just a hole he'd hump, but I can tell you although after sex, there were not much attraction after because we released all our hormones, what was shown in the initial beginning isn't nothing.

Was it just comfort and memories? I'd ask myself that, Or was there more? I want to find out, I want to prove to Pablo that we can do better than before, that there was still something there, it may be small and detached from the rest of his emotions because he chose to place it away and lock it, but I want to show him that I won't pain him like I did before, make him worry and give him emotional tolls. I know I can't see the future, because honestly who the hell can? I want to trust him, I want him to trust me.

Yesterday when I was having one of those anxiety attacks because my thoughts just got to me, I realized something. I kept doubting him so much, keep questioning him so much that I end up making him question me too. Trust is a mutual thing, and how do I expect him to trust me when I question his care all the time.

"You don't care about me"

"You don't care about me enough"

"Fine just go talk to other girls"

"Wrong girlfriend"

There are more than 1000 things I said that just isn't comfortable in general. Things I shouldn't be even saying in a relationship that I trust.

What rights do I have in getting mad at him when I question all his actions? Why am i so insecure in our relationship? Because we never had  a good foundation? Because I think things will be taken away from me? Because I am just a paranoid person who is insecure a lot like him?

He and I are alike in many ways, and that is one of them. We never sat down to work on it, instead, we just tell each other, who we can and can't hang out with, instead we just keep building on that insecurity, building onto that.

True Change, Burning of all old wishes. Starting a new

I want to forget about him, I really do. I whole heartedly want to let go, want to forget want to move on. But when I truly think about him the pain just won't stop. I never treated him right, but I really miss him a lot.
I loved him, I never realized I loved him so much until I finally lost him, until he finally pushed me away. Until I no longer deserve him.
It's way too late to beg for forgiveness, for another chance. For I have used up all my chances, if there was a fairy god mother, I used her up already on all the stupid wishes.


The wishes I am burning from the past, and undoing
"I wish William would turn back around and tell me he still loves me and gives "us" another chance. And talk to me again on fb/phone."
"I wish I would soon find my real and true happiness in life and have the courage to go after it."
"Would it be selfish of me to say "I wish William and Hannah would break up, and have William love me instead"
"I wish I don't get pregnant until I am married. Especially not now.  Please let me have my period this month 7/10/2014"
"I wish that Alfonso will choose to get back into the relationship with me before winter break ends. Please I promise I'll treat him right this time."
"I wish Eduardo Zamora would truely tell me how he feels about me, or at least give me an super obvious sign!"
"I wish Alfonso will hurt me no more, for I promise to be a good girlfriend, I will stop with my sarcasm, jokes, and hurtful comments for hopes of exchange that he ends or try to limit as much friendship with emmanuel carrasco (mannie)"
"I wish I will be able to find the one. the one for me. And be w/ him forever and ever."
"I wish Alfonso Mares will truly love me and let go of his friendship with Mannie because he cares for me and doesnt want to make me feel insecure, threatened, and hurt."
"I wish Danny would one day realize and regret breaking up w/ me :( 7/2/14"
"I wish I can get my period by the end of this week 8/17/14 not pregnant"

So I initiated something today. I took out all the wishes I made in the stars I folded that I had in a jar. I wanted to get rid of all of them, and start over. No more evil wishes, no more wishing for other's unhappiness. I truly want to change, and change for the better, no more evil wishes that only benefits me but not others, no more wishes that I will not commit to, no more of anything anymore. I want to be true to myself, I want to be true to others. I want to change for the better, no more taking benefits off of others, I need to be more considerate of others, and truly change.

This break up is a wake up call, I need to better myself, I need to be the better version of who I am and make people see that.

If you look at all the wishes I had up there, they were all evil wishes, or selfish wishes, or wishes I said I'd do something else in return, but I end up not doing anything. I cannot live like that anymore, I can't live not by my words. Being fakely faithful, being fake, being the bad person behind the scene that no one sees.

I want to be the true nice, and kind person that others sees, the one that I can look in the mirror and nod and approve. The person I can truly face, because all my current actions, all the things I done are nothing but lies and dishonesty.

If I expect people to give me chances, I need to show them I am worthy of chances, that I am willing to take the longer way out than taking the short cut.

I am sick and tired of myself of how I am and who I am. I grew up selfishly, everything is just me, me and me. There is never others in my eyes unless it benefits me. I cannot live that way. I just can't.

It takes me 20 years to realize all the evil I have done, well, then let me live the next 20 years trying to change for the better, and give back to the society. No matter if my ex will see it, no matter if my ex will come back to me or not, I am not doing it just for him, but also myself, for my future.

Whatever happens from here on now, I will take full on responsibility for. I will try to be as honest as possible, I will try to be a better person, and go on from there. Although there is already a little white lie I have told that have to be continued to tell for a while, but besides that I am willing to give up myself and everything else for my ex to come back and give me another chance.