I was so sure that my feelings for Pablo have faded, so sure
that there was nothing left anymore but painful memories, but it still hurts
somewhere inside when thinking about him. This emptiness, the desire to want to
hold his hands, to want to feel again, and want to talk to him is killing me on
the inside. This feeling and urge of want comes at random time. The urge of
wanting to see him or talk to him, it comes with lots of different emotions in
which I don't even understand myself.
I love him a little too late, I loved him when I lost him.
Who the hell does that? I didn't know how much he meant to me until I lost him,
classic.
I should've known the first three times we broke up. I
should've listened, should've realized.
The happiness I had back in January when we got back
together, that very night when we made out in the car after he agreed to give
it another try, I told myself that I'd have to remember this forever, this
feeling, this happiness, and not let anything get to me again and cause
arguement. I need to rememeber that feeling. But overtime I forgot, I was
stupid.
How the hell did we get here?
Flashbacks on all the memories we had, I can only remember
the happy ones, what is wrong with me.
It pains so much, can someone please take it all away? Can
someone please save me from this place?
It's a movie based on Nicholas Sparks' book, The Best of Me.
It's a movie about a love who was separated due to terrible
fate, and moved on to different path, but was eventually after led back
together after over 10 some years due to
fate, but only to be separated again, but this time by death. It's a modern
Romeo and Juliet.
It's a true tragic, but it was a really good movie, makes me
want to buy the book even though I know I am not going to read it.
Anyways, the movie got me thinking a lot, that maybe in the
future we'd get a chance, Pablo and I, to get back together, meet again in the
path of life. But then what are the risks? Him getting married, him finding a
girlfriend who he thinks he loves, or perhaps me getting with someone who I don't
truly love but settles for?
Sometime during the 9 month of the relationship we had
together, I'd question myself, why am I still with him when I can settle for
better? Why am I with him when he doesnt seem like he cared all that much, but
the true question was, why was he still with me when I don't seem to be caring
all that much. I am just a emotional wreck, someone who needs to tone their
hormones down, and calm their emotions down.
I hate to break it to myself, but what if how I feel about
Timmy is just exactly how Pablo feels about me but maybe stronger? The thought
of that scared me a little, because after the first date, I realized I had no
feelings for him, how terrfying is it to go on a date, and hold someone's hand
that you don't really love, your heart doesn't truly beat for, and all you see
is friendship? Timmy is a guy who asked
me out on a date recently, and I agreed, thinking that it'd help me move on,
sure when I was with him, I didn't think much about the sadness, we joked and
talked. I try to enjoy the moments as much as I can, we laughed, we cuddled, we
kissed at the end of the date. But I didn't have any feelings, sure there may
be simple attraction, like oh he's good looking, but when we kissed, there were
no sparks. I didn't long for a hug like I longed for Pablo's hug when I first
started with Pablo.
The feeling I had when I kissed Pablo, even after we broke
up, I thought what was originally just the hormones was actually not just
hormones. When Pablo and I kissed, my heart rate rose, I thought it was just me
getting excited because I was getting turned on, but what if I was turned on
because somewhere inside I still have feelings for him but I just hide it so
well and am in denial for it because I been hurted so much?
I don't know how Pablo feels when we had break up sex, nor
how he felt when we first hugged or kissed, how the kiss was, how everything
was, whether or not he felt anything at all, or to him I was just a hole he'd
hump, but I can tell you although after sex, there were not much attraction
after because we released all our hormones, what was shown in the initial
beginning isn't nothing.
Was it just comfort and memories? I'd ask myself that, Or
was there more? I want to find out, I want to prove to Pablo that we can do better
than before, that there was still something there, it may be small and detached
from the rest of his emotions because he chose to place it away and lock it,
but I want to show him that I won't pain him like I did before, make him worry
and give him emotional tolls. I know I can't see the future, because honestly
who the hell can? I want to trust him, I want him to trust me.
Yesterday when I was having one of those anxiety attacks
because my thoughts just got to me, I realized something. I kept doubting him
so much, keep questioning him so much that I end up making him question me too.
Trust is a mutual thing, and how do I expect him to trust me when I question
his care all the time.
"You don't care about me"
"You don't care about me enough"
"Fine just go talk to other girls"
"Wrong girlfriend"
There are more than 1000 things I said that just isn't
comfortable in general. Things I shouldn't be even saying in a relationship
that I trust.
What rights do I have in getting mad at him when I question
all his actions? Why am i so insecure in our relationship? Because we never
had a good foundation? Because I think
things will be taken away from me? Because I am just a paranoid person who is
insecure a lot like him?
He and I are alike in many ways, and that is one of them. We
never sat down to work on it, instead, we just tell each other, who we can and
can't hang out with, instead we just keep building on that insecurity, building
onto that.
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