I don't understand love, I don't understand relationship and I most likely don't understand commitment and what it means to be committed to a relationship.
While doing chores, and scanning my nephew's artwork for my sister, I came across his father's card to his dad, it says, "I love you because you buy ice cream. Also you let me get candy, also I love you because you let me almost play game for a hour."
How cute, and naive. How adorable and simple. Kids don't really understand what love is, and I feel like even at the age of 20, I still don't understand what love is.
Initially, I planned to light 100 candles at the park as an apology to confess to him my discovery in my mistake, and my apologies, wanting to get him back, and tell him I want to treat him right this time. No more pain, no more sorrow and emotional unnecessary arguments. Despite how tired I was from one whole day of plane transferring, I stilled pulled off with it, with the help of my friends, who helped me obtain the candles and the lighters.
I scouted for the perfect location where there is less wind (since park usually are extremely windy at night). It took about half an hour to find a location where the candles would stay lit,
Despite the fact that I was super exsuasted, jet lagged, I still went out of my way and lit the candles (which according to the packaging would last 4-5 hours) and drove to Pablo's house, planning to call him out the house, and take him to the park where I'd tell him my apologies only to find out that he isn't home, and that furthermore, he didn't pick up my phone call. Then as I went on facebook, I realized he deleted me off of facebook too, which got me crying. My last trace of him is now gone as well, as the only relatiopnship we have online is having 109 mutual friends. Someone who I tagged in so many post, all of a sudden, stranger again. The sadness just pierced through my heart like a sword.
I couldn't handle any of that, I texted him, "Pablo, can we talk" "Please."
And thinking that he probably most likely wouldn't reply, because he usually replies almost immediately, but later at 1am replied with, "No sorry, there is nothing to talk about, take care, bye."
Half of me was glad he at least replied but the other half knew that was it, it was over.
I didn't know what to do, and that night I decided the only way to see him one last time was to go to his work. Driving from west covina 2 hours earlier than his expected off work time in case of traffic or any other circumstance that will lead me to miss him, and from there I waited for him to get off of work, hoping that everything will turn out alright.
Right when I saw a familiar backpack, I quickly power walked towards him, just as he closed his trunk, I grabbed his arm and held it as close to me as possible. My heart beated super fast, I could barely breath, what's wrong with me? Right when I grabbed him he jumped, from not expecting me to be back from Mexico, and he said that I was the last thing on his mind (from 1-99 he said I was like the 99th thing there.) that he was thinking about work and what he needs to do later today on his to do list, and all of a sudden I showed up.
He looked around seemingly like he didn't want others he know to see this so I asked if we could talk somewhere else (was planning to anyways), and he thought for a bit and said okay and together we drove (separately) to the nearby park.
While driving there I shook, I didn't know what I was going to say to him. All the things I have that I wanted to say all of a sudden disappear when I saw him and held his arm by my side. He makes my head go blank, as crazy as that sound.
While driving there I called Irene in panic, didn't know what to say or what to do. When we parked, we both sat in the car for a bit before exiting. It seemed like one of those slow motion dramatic moments.
From there we walked to a shaded bench, I walked far apart from him, felt so distant, something I am not used to. Still confused about how to start the conversation, how to start everything.
===
Pablo told me recently (last Thursday when I met with him 07/02/2015) that he lost the feeling of love, in the very beginning of the relationship. He didn't know when, or how, but he told me at some point in time he just stopped loving me.
Then I asked him why did he continue through with the relationship, even despite the break ups. And he replies by telling me that, he initially thought that it'd be okay if he just cared for me, just continued to care, continue to try, but then every time we argue, he realizes that it isn't working, that I am asking for way more than he can give, way more than his care can afford.
And it's true, I ask for a lot, that usually I can't even give that much myself, I just expect rather than give back, rather than think about how the others feel, think about how he feels.
He then referenced it to the last argument we had right before the breakup. The souvenir break up, where he blames himself for not being able to go out of the way to get me something nicer as a souvenir rather than a free shirt. That he doesn't love me enough to buy me something nice (I feel like he was referencing to his colleague, who got me a penguin key chain because I asked him to get me something, but the thing is that isn't love, getting someone nicer thing isn't love, it's not about the quality of the item but the meaning behind getting someone something). But honestly, the reason for the argument and me being upset that day was because I was conflicted over my feelings, confused, and conflicted. Then when he picked up the penguin that his collegue got me that was on the side of the car, because I didn't know where to place it yet, I recalled the fact that he hasn't given me his souvenirs yet, and it was late. And I began to give him unnecessary attitude over it, over the fact that normal people don't have to wait three, four weeks and then have to ask for their sourvienirs, usually it's just given. I was so overwhelmed by my negative thoughts that I ignored his feelings completely.
He was slient for a few moment before he said that he didn't know where he placed them. And that only got me more into the negative feelings I already have that overwhelmed me.
Pablo just stood there, and I just looked away angrily. How hurt he must have felt from all my comments, from all my negative energy I give out.
I told him forget it and that just go back in, because at that time I had to go grab dinner with my friends from high school, but then little did I know he went to look for the sourvirns at the trunk of his car.
He didn't forget about them, because at time he'd tell me the souvieirs are still in his car, but just he is a bit forgetful sometimes and he have been busy with me, his work and school of course he wouldn't have the time, and what it's not like the gifts are going anywhere, I don't know why I always have to be so angry at things.
Pablo came back later to my surprise because I thought he had already left home, but he had a shirt in one hand and a cup in another.
Pablo got me an extra shirt from maker faire*, a shirt in which I recall he loved to wear because it was soft and would always brag about. And I wasn't upset because he got me a free shirt, I was upset at what he said later, that he lost my shirt and he have to give me the one he already wore. And from there I made a huge fuss about it and cried when I could've just used my words. Stupidity I know.
My princess attitude usually gets the best of me, and I hated that about me, that it always gets the best of me without my control. And then later gets me in trouble. And I \never learn.
The next gift was from San Diego, when he went to a game over there, at the Petco Park. I recall him saying there's something important about the cup when we were phoning one day, that I probably wouldn't know but he didn't really go into details. But anyways I got so upset that I forgot to thank him for going out of his way in the first place to get me something.
I forgot the essencial thank you for getting me a gift, instead I got upset.
Then from there he sat down on the side of my car and told me that "I think you should go find someone else, someone else who care for you more than me, because obviously I don't care for you enough to get you something nice, I can't even go the extra mile to get you something decent."
Did he mistook my upset over the fact that he lost my shirt as a upset over the fact he think he gave me something crappy? Because honestly I wasn't mad over the shirt. (well I was, but for a whole completely different reason)
And from there the break up happened.
Sure anyone can get me somthing nice, heck I can get something nice for people I don't care about because they really want it or something like that, but to put thoughts into the gift? To bring something back means a lot already.
I got too overwhelmed by my negativity to realize the initial importance, that he thought of me enough to get me something back.
I mean look at me during CES, did I get him something nice? No, I got him a lanyard, a freaking lanyard and that's it, yet he was happy.
Happiness should be simple, should be easy, should be something shared and doesn't need more to acquire.
What moved me was he said, "I really did try to make it work. I really did try." And I know he did, that's the thing.
I felt it, but he didn't feel anything from me. Perhaps random act of kindness here and there, but if we were to put the amount of things I did and amount of things he did, he would probably be the brick of gold, and mine would be the flick of feather.
He apologized to me for not breaking up with me earlier, lingering for so long, making me more emotionally attached to him than I would've been if he broke it off earlier. But I was glad this all happened, that he didn't break it off until now, that we experienced so much together.
I had so much happy times with him that I didn't mind. I loved the times I spent with him just as much as I regretted the times where I didn't appreciate him.
I then asked him, then why beg for my forgiveness at the time when I was trying to break off with him? Why try so hard to get me back then?
He told me he didn't want to end it at a bad note, that he didn't want to end it with him being at fault, ending it like that would make him feel bad, and he doesn't like ending things in bad note.
In our talk, I also asked him why he deleted me off of Facebook and he chuckled a bit and said, "is that what you were worried about?"
The mood of the conversation suddenly got lighter with the chuckle, "Well, no not that but well yes."
He then explained that it was nothing personal , it was just the matter of fact that he had attachment with me, and he didn't want to see my name pop up on his Facebook. Although he long unfollowed me, (because he doesn't like seeing me tagging myself in places making him feel insecure and what not when its unnecessary, and that's why when he wants to know where I am he looks at my profile instead of his news feed) he wants to completely cut off from me. He said that he doesn't believe in being friends with his ex, and that he was never friends with his other exs, so he isn't going to make the exception for me (even though initially he said we could be friends, what a liar. but I get where he's coming from).
From there the conversation got a bit lighter, I don't remember much of the conversation detail since its been three days or so, but I just know it wasn't uncomfortable. I asked him if he feels uncomfortable about this meet up he said no, nor the conversation.
But when I hugged him and begged him for the relationship back, well more like semi reasoned the relationship with him he said no all the way and pushed me away, telling me to not touch him. He said that the only reason he is here to talk to me is because he wants to answer any question that I have to ask, any left over questions I have and that he is just being way too nice, and that he doesn't feel anything for me anymore or want anything to do with me anymore.
And that he doesn't want the relationship, not this one, not a relationship either.
And that I need to stop touching him.
That he have changed, and he have set his priority, and that this isn't in his priority right now. That he wants to focus on other things.
And that he is no longer the Pablo he was two weeks ago, that he was no longer the Pablo then. That he changed.
He said that he have gone back from his words too many times, and he wants to finally stick with something, that he wants to finally stand by something he says or decide in.
It hurts, because of all that he said, because I want to be the exception, I want to go back to his arm, and I want him to take me back, I want so much I miss his hugs, miss his comfort and miss him telling me everything is going to be okay.
He changed his hairstyle, and now his attitude towards things, although he is still the Pablo I know, the distance scares me. I am not a big fan of changes, that's why when this all happened, I panicked.
I wish this would just be like the other time. I hated myself for telling myself to give him space.
Then I begin to think stupid thoughts like I always have, thoughts that doesn't make sense, and are worst, but I just think about it anyways. What if I continued to beg him the first week we broke up? Then what are the chances we'd get back together, why did I have to reflect upon myself and tell myself not to talk to him?
He told me that very first day, he cried the whole night, he let all his emotions out, and then that week and the week following he grieved and got over me.
If I refleted and then talked to him right after instead of waiting till I get back from mexico, would it all have been different?
Cindy told me to give him space, but I feel like space only made us further. Perhaps he would've done the same thing regardless, not take me back, but I don't know. There's just so much what if going through my head then.
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maker faire*:Maker Faire is an all-ages gathering of tech enthusiasts, crafters, educators, tinkerers, hobbyists, engineers, science clubs, authors, artists, students, and commercial exhibitors. All of these “makers” come to Maker Faire to show what they have made and to share what they have learned.
(http://makerfaire.com/makerfairehistory/)
