I don’t understand myself anymore. Thinking that I’d be
okay, and that I lost all the feelings and that I am finally numb of it all.
Who am I kidding? The deepest wounds are still there, and the scars that are
fixed so perfectly well still hides the pain that’s underneath.
A few days ago when we parted, I found peace, I thought that
I’d be okay, thought that you know, all is well. That I have finally learned to
let go, and then it was then that I asked myself, was I happy? And the answer
then was calmly a yes. I was satisfied and I wished onwards to where ever he is
venturing. Pedro, my ex who broken up with me who for the past month, whom I have
am painfully not over with.
Why did I even come back to this place where I potientially
can get attached and get hurt again? What was the original purpose of this?
This time around there was no back up, there was no thoughts. In my heart, my
guts told me to just do it, without my brain in second hand command.
Miscarriage and the aftermath was already done and taken
cared of. Pedro took time off of work, took time off of his friends to care for
me, just like how his parents took their spare time to make me food, to make
sure I was okay. And yes, I was grateful for their constant support and beings
of here. However it only in a sense makes me desire for more. Although half of
me told myself that it is enough, but there is always a little part of the
human nature, like in Adam and Eve, that is just not enough. And there’s always
that small greed part of all of us that makes us pounder, what if we took that
chance and try to strive for more? I mean sure you got all that you want on
this plate right now and you’re happy, but what if you can be happier and have
more? Wouldn’t you want that?
That, I guess was my feelings then when I intitated the
second time around of caretaking request by Pedro. Asking him to take me in
after he sent me home because I had to babysit. I was used to the care, used to
the company, well not used to it, but liked it so much that I’d like more.
I told half of myself that it’s enough and that I should be
happy with what I have had and just leave the memories to that, but the greed
side of me disagreed. And now it landed me here, finding out the truth about
things.
When we originally parted, I tried to give Pedro a goodbye
kiss, and he was shocked, and similarly I was shocked too. I no longer had the
feelings I had for him that I thought I’d have when I kiss him, and his face
just seemed extremely unpleasant. That
was the time that I finally got my peace, because I realized I also have lost
my feelings for him officially. That the kiss meant nothing and felt like when
I kissed my other ex when we tired to rekindle things.
A huge sense of calm and happiness followed because I
realized I can finally let go, and it was then that I was able to look at his
belongings that still resides in my room, and I was able to clear it all out into
a box. Sure I was unable to look at photos of us together, but then again that’s
asking for too much.
I was happy for a whole day until I came back to Pedro’s
house and under his care again. He told me that this time around it would be
different because he won’t be able to be home all the time like it was last
weekend, that he won’t always be around because he have work and other plans.
Of course he didn’t really shared much details to what that plan was.
Initally through text the night before when I first asked if
I could stay over once again, he told me that he’d be out the whole Tuesday
night and not come back home, I assumed it was just a drinking party the whole
time. Later on he corrected himself or perhaps changed his mind and told me
that he’d probably come back late, perhaps at 12am or something along the line.
Again, I thought it was just a regular party and perhaps he changed his mind
about sleeping over, but I assumed it was just lots of drinking and then bam
sleep over. But it was later that night after our long talk that lasted till
3:30 am that landed me onto the bed in the guest room of Pedro’s house, and
swiped through my phone that I realized it was her birthday. The girl whom was Pedro’s best friend until I told
Pedro to not be friends with her because I was jealous of how close they were,
the friend who caused our multiple fights and one break up (that didn’t successfully
broken up, thank god), the girl who made me feel extremely insecure and gave me
multiple nightmares.
It was then that it all makes sense. That Pedro is going to
celebrate her birthday with her. Of course he wouldn’t tell me what it was and
just phrase it to him needing to “get out” before school starts. And what am I
to stop him from going out? Im not his girlfriend, I am nothing but a girl who
used to hold his kid and now is just under his care because he is simply being
nice. Heck, it’s none of my business. I guess somewhere in my long term
memories it just bugged me to know that the person I’d want to see him with is
going to be celebrating her birthday with him. And that he is going to stay the
night, and if not, come back really late.
Honestly I don’t know what is going to come out of tomorrow,
all I can hope for is that he’d come back early, and that he’d do it because he
feels morally right to do so. Of course I can’t say much because he have
already stopped caring for me, and that he have already lost all the feelings
he had of me and there is no point in seeking for what is already lost. Sure
there may be a few tingle here and there, but its not enough to ignite what
have already been blown out.
Our love was past tense, his care was past tense, we were
past tense. We were last chapter.
He said during our conversation that he is the happiest he
have ever been in his life. Ouch, but hey I should be happy for him, for
whatever he chooses to do with his life.
I want to be the bigger person, and let go. I want to stop
holding on such a tight grip to things and be the envy one. Greiving over
things I can’t have, over the people I can’t hold on to. I should be happy that
it once happened rather than being sad that it no longer happens. Because life
is short and we can only look forward onto bigger and better things, there’s no
time in looking back because that’s just dumb.
Maybe one day
somewhere along the line we’d meet eye to eye again and he’d want to start a
friendship again. Maybe one day when we are mature enough to handle each other,
because as of now, it almost seems like he doesn’t want anything to do with me
after all of this is over.
And I don’t blame him, having an ex as a friend is just a
bad idea waiting to happen. And he just really have good self control to not
make it happen. Honestly, I need to relax, loosen my grip and just let it go
and see how it goes tomorrow and pray for the better, because honestly that’s
all I can do right now.
Because sometimes when you hold things too tight you not only hurt others, but in the process you'd hurt yourself too.
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