Opposite Gender Friends

Opposite gender friends are something I never believed in, because male and female hormones it just makes it hard for opposite genders to be friends unless they have different sexual preferences. My opinions about opposite sex friends grew stronger when I was with my ex, because it's like whatever they do, it just doesn't seem like what friends of opposite gender should do. Heck if he does the same thing with the same gender, I wouldn't question it, but he doesn't do the same with the same gender.
I was always a little pessimistic about opposite gender friends, but it wasn't all the way there until I was with my ex and my insecurities rose up.
Feelings grow sometime spontaneously and it just makes it hard to be friends, especially when the feelings aren't mutual. Like many of my past guy friends who I been close to, we ended up not making long term friends because they ended up having a crush on me confessed about it, or I just picked up something isn't right and things just grow awkward and we just stopped talking over time.
In all honesty, now I don't believe in getting a opposite sex gender friend unless we both know we are no attracted to each other at all, because I just feel like no matter what, there is no one one doesn't grow feeling for another unless they're completely not your type.

My point got proven more after the breakup when I hooked up with one of my best friend after late night comfort. Then there was this group of guys i began to hang with, 8 guys, and slowly as I emerged into the group, the guys began to fall for me left and right and sorta made me feel like I tore the group apart.

It's like I grew closer to the guys, friendship wise, get to the bottom of their emotional problems and then comfort them, try to get them out of the emotional wreck they were in, and we drink to it, hangout, drink more, and then some how magically they just slowly grew feelings for me. Feelings I don't mutually agree back. It's like what the hell.

I just want good friends, good opposite gender friends and is that too hard to ask for? I don't understand the chemistry build up of guys, it seems like it's faster for guys to get little crushes everywhere in comparison to girls, and it is easier for guys to move on in comparison to girls.

I don't understand guys at all, just as much as I don't understand girls. Honestly, I find the whole insecure thing annoying, and i sort of find it annoying that guys fall for girls so easily, it's like get a hold of your other head please, and stop for a second and think.

For the past, many of my guy friends have ended up with a crush on me, and our friendship ended up straining because of that, perhaps it's my sarcasticness that gets people thinking that I am flirting with them when I am not intentionally trying to , or perhaps it's just something but whatever it is, it's hella annoying, and I want a break from it.

I recently have a heard stories too from a few friends, how their intial crushes were their best friends who are girls, it just makes my case of opposite gender cannot be friends more inevitable. Like if you have a opposite gender friend, you're bound to fall for her somehow, and then from there form a relationship of some sort. It's just bound to happen.

Geezus.

Someone tell me otherwise.

Because within this month, I have strained about 3 friendship alone because of their crush on me, which I feel like perhaps it's my choices that lead to where I am today, or perhaps just the way I am, the way I act. How come I can't find people I love and care for as fast as that? Why am I struggling in life over love and relationship problems?

I just want to enjoy life to the fullest and not sob over and over on the past, is that so hard to ask?

Is it so hard to ask?

Insecurities and trust

I don't understand, I don't understand at all.

I was so sure that my feelings for Pablo have faded, so sure that there was nothing left anymore but painful memories, but it still hurts somewhere inside when thinking about him. This emptiness, the desire to want to hold his hands, to want to feel again, and want to talk to him is killing me on the inside. This feeling and urge of want comes at random time. The urge of wanting to see him or talk to him, it comes with lots of different emotions in which I don't even understand myself.

I love him a little too late, I loved him when I lost him. Who the hell does that? I didn't know how much he meant to me until I lost him, classic.

I should've known the first three times we broke up. I should've listened, should've realized.

The happiness I had back in January when we got back together, that very night when we made out in the car after he agreed to give it another try, I told myself that I'd have to remember this forever, this feeling, this happiness, and not let anything get to me again and cause arguement. I need to rememeber that feeling. But overtime I forgot, I was stupid.

How the hell did we get here?

Flashbacks on all the memories we had, I can only remember the happy ones, what is wrong with me.

It pains so much, can someone please take it all away? Can someone please save me from this place?

Tonight I was on Netflix and I watched TheBest of Me (IMDb). 

It's a movie based on Nicholas Sparks' book, The Best of Me.

It's a movie about a love who was separated due to terrible fate, and moved on to different path, but was eventually after led back together after over 10  some years due to fate, but only to be separated again, but this time by death. It's a modern Romeo and Juliet.

It's a true tragic, but it was a really good movie, makes me want to buy the book even though I know I am not going to read it.

Anyways, the movie got me thinking a lot, that maybe in the future we'd get a chance, Pablo and I, to get back together, meet again in the path of life. But then what are the risks? Him getting married, him finding a girlfriend who he thinks he loves, or perhaps me getting with someone who I don't truly love but settles for?

Sometime during the 9 month of the relationship we had together, I'd question myself, why am I still with him when I can settle for better? Why am I with him when he doesnt seem like he cared all that much, but the true question was, why was he still with me when I don't seem to be caring all that much. I am just a emotional wreck, someone who needs to tone their hormones down, and calm their emotions down.

I hate to break it to myself, but what if how I feel about Timmy is just exactly how Pablo feels about me but maybe stronger? The thought of that scared me a little, because after the first date, I realized I had no feelings for him, how terrfying is it to go on a date, and hold someone's hand that you don't really love, your heart doesn't truly beat for, and all you see is friendship?  Timmy is a guy who asked me out on a date recently, and I agreed, thinking that it'd help me move on, sure when I was with him, I didn't think much about the sadness, we joked and talked. I try to enjoy the moments as much as I can, we laughed, we cuddled, we kissed at the end of the date. But I didn't have any feelings, sure there may be simple attraction, like oh he's good looking, but when we kissed, there were no sparks. I didn't long for a hug like I longed for Pablo's hug when I first started with Pablo.

The feeling I had when I kissed Pablo, even after we broke up, I thought what was originally just the hormones was actually not just hormones. When Pablo and I kissed, my heart rate rose, I thought it was just me getting excited because I was getting turned on, but what if I was turned on because somewhere inside I still have feelings for him but I just hide it so well and am in denial for it because I been hurted so much?

I don't know how Pablo feels when we had break up sex, nor how he felt when we first hugged or kissed, how the kiss was, how everything was, whether or not he felt anything at all, or to him I was just a hole he'd hump, but I can tell you although after sex, there were not much attraction after because we released all our hormones, what was shown in the initial beginning isn't nothing.

Was it just comfort and memories? I'd ask myself that, Or was there more? I want to find out, I want to prove to Pablo that we can do better than before, that there was still something there, it may be small and detached from the rest of his emotions because he chose to place it away and lock it, but I want to show him that I won't pain him like I did before, make him worry and give him emotional tolls. I know I can't see the future, because honestly who the hell can? I want to trust him, I want him to trust me.

Yesterday when I was having one of those anxiety attacks because my thoughts just got to me, I realized something. I kept doubting him so much, keep questioning him so much that I end up making him question me too. Trust is a mutual thing, and how do I expect him to trust me when I question his care all the time.

"You don't care about me"

"You don't care about me enough"

"Fine just go talk to other girls"

"Wrong girlfriend"

There are more than 1000 things I said that just isn't comfortable in general. Things I shouldn't be even saying in a relationship that I trust.

What rights do I have in getting mad at him when I question all his actions? Why am i so insecure in our relationship? Because we never had  a good foundation? Because I think things will be taken away from me? Because I am just a paranoid person who is insecure a lot like him?

He and I are alike in many ways, and that is one of them. We never sat down to work on it, instead, we just tell each other, who we can and can't hang out with, instead we just keep building on that insecurity, building onto that.

Loosen Grip and Letting Go.

I don’t understand myself anymore. Thinking that I’d be okay, and that I lost all the feelings and that I am finally numb of it all. Who am I kidding? The deepest wounds are still there, and the scars that are fixed so perfectly well still hides the pain that’s underneath.

A few days ago when we parted, I found peace, I thought that I’d be okay, thought that you know, all is well. That I have finally learned to let go, and then it was then that I asked myself, was I happy? And the answer then was calmly a yes. I was satisfied and I wished onwards to where ever he is venturing. Pedro, my ex who broken up with me who for the past month, whom I have am painfully not over with.

Why did I even come back to this place where I potientially can get attached and get hurt again? What was the original purpose of this? This time around there was no back up, there was no thoughts. In my heart, my guts told me to just do it, without my brain in second hand command.

Miscarriage and the aftermath was already done and taken cared of. Pedro took time off of work, took time off of his friends to care for me, just like how his parents took their spare time to make me food, to make sure I was okay. And yes, I was grateful for their constant support and beings of here. However it only in a sense makes me desire for more. Although half of me told myself that it is enough, but there is always a little part of the human nature, like in Adam and Eve, that is just not enough. And there’s always that small greed part of all of us that makes us pounder, what if we took that chance and try to strive for more? I mean sure you got all that you want on this plate right now and you’re happy, but what if you can be happier and have more? Wouldn’t you want that?

That, I guess was my feelings then when I intitated the second time around of caretaking request by Pedro. Asking him to take me in after he sent me home because I had to babysit. I was used to the care, used to the company, well not used to it, but liked it so much that I’d like more.

I told half of myself that it’s enough and that I should be happy with what I have had and just leave the memories to that, but the greed side of me disagreed. And now it landed me here, finding out the truth about things.

When we originally parted, I tried to give Pedro a goodbye kiss, and he was shocked, and similarly I was shocked too. I no longer had the feelings I had for him that I thought I’d have when I kiss him, and his face just seemed extremely unpleasant.  That was the time that I finally got my peace, because I realized I also have lost my feelings for him officially. That the kiss meant nothing and felt like when I kissed my other ex when we tired to rekindle things.

A huge sense of calm and happiness followed because I realized I can finally let go, and it was then that I was able to look at his belongings that still resides in my room, and I was able to clear it all out into a box. Sure I was unable to look at photos of us together, but then again that’s asking for too much.

I was happy for a whole day until I came back to Pedro’s house and under his care again. He told me that this time around it would be different because he won’t be able to be home all the time like it was last weekend, that he won’t always be around because he have work and other plans. Of course he didn’t really shared much details to what that plan was.

Initally through text the night before when I first asked if I could stay over once again, he told me that he’d be out the whole Tuesday night and not come back home, I assumed it was just a drinking party the whole time. Later on he corrected himself or perhaps changed his mind and told me that he’d probably come back late, perhaps at 12am or something along the line. Again, I thought it was just a regular party and perhaps he changed his mind about sleeping over, but I assumed it was just lots of drinking and then bam sleep over. But it was later that night after our long talk that lasted till 3:30 am that landed me onto the bed in the guest room of Pedro’s house, and swiped through my phone that I realized it was her birthday. The girl whom was Pedro’s best friend until I told Pedro to not be friends with her because I was jealous of how close they were, the friend who caused our multiple fights and one break up (that didn’t successfully broken up, thank god), the girl who made me feel extremely insecure and gave me multiple nightmares.

It was then that it all makes sense. That Pedro is going to celebrate her birthday with her. Of course he wouldn’t tell me what it was and just phrase it to him needing to “get out” before school starts. And what am I to stop him from going out? Im not his girlfriend, I am nothing but a girl who used to hold his kid and now is just under his care because he is simply being nice. Heck, it’s none of my business. I guess somewhere in my long term memories it just bugged me to know that the person I’d want to see him with is going to be celebrating her birthday with him. And that he is going to stay the night, and if not, come back really late.

Honestly I don’t know what is going to come out of tomorrow, all I can hope for is that he’d come back early, and that he’d do it because he feels morally right to do so. Of course I can’t say much because he have already stopped caring for me, and that he have already lost all the feelings he had of me and there is no point in seeking for what is already lost. Sure there may be a few tingle here and there, but its not enough to ignite what have already been blown out.

Our love was past tense, his care was past tense, we were past tense. We were last chapter.

He said during our conversation that he is the happiest he have ever been in his life. Ouch, but hey I should be happy for him, for whatever he chooses to do with his life.

I want to be the bigger person, and let go. I want to stop holding on such a tight grip to things and be the envy one. Greiving over things I can’t have, over the people I can’t hold on to. I should be happy that it once happened rather than being sad that it no longer happens. Because life is short and we can only look forward onto bigger and better things, there’s no time in looking back because that’s just dumb.

 Maybe one day somewhere along the line we’d meet eye to eye again and he’d want to start a friendship again. Maybe one day when we are mature enough to handle each other, because as of now, it almost seems like he doesn’t want anything to do with me after all of this is over.

And I don’t blame him, having an ex as a friend is just a bad idea waiting to happen. And he just really have good self control to not make it happen. Honestly, I need to relax, loosen my grip and just let it go and see how it goes tomorrow and pray for the better, because honestly that’s all I can do right now. 

Because sometimes when you hold things too tight you not only hurt others, but in the process you'd hurt yourself too. 

The last conversation 07/02/2015

I don't understand love, I don't understand relationship and I most likely don't understand commitment and what it means to be committed to a relationship.
While doing chores, and scanning my nephew's artwork for my sister, I came across his father's card to his dad, it says, "I love you because you buy ice cream. Also you let me get candy, also I love you because you let me almost play game for a hour."
How cute, and naive. How adorable and simple. Kids don't really understand what love is, and I feel like even at the age of 20, I still don't understand what love is.



Initially, I planned to light 100 candles at the park as an apology to confess to him my discovery in my mistake, and my apologies, wanting to get him back, and tell him I want to treat him right this time. No more pain, no more sorrow and emotional unnecessary arguments. Despite how tired I was from one whole day of plane transferring, I stilled pulled off with it, with the help of my friends, who helped me obtain the candles and the lighters.

I scouted for the perfect location where there is less wind (since park usually are extremely windy at night). It took about half an hour to find a location where the candles would stay lit,

Despite the fact that I was super exsuasted, jet lagged, I still went out of my way and lit the candles (which according to the packaging would last 4-5 hours) and drove to Pablo's house, planning to call him out the house, and take him to the park where I'd tell him my apologies only to find out that he isn't home, and that furthermore, he didn't pick up my phone call. Then as I went on facebook, I realized he deleted me off of facebook too, which got me crying. My last trace of him is now gone as well, as the only relatiopnship we have online is having 109 mutual friends. Someone who I tagged in so many post, all of a sudden, stranger again. The sadness just pierced through my heart like a sword.

I couldn't handle any of that, I texted him, "Pablo, can we talk" "Please."
And thinking that he probably most likely wouldn't reply, because he usually replies almost immediately, but later at 1am replied with, "No sorry, there is nothing to talk about, take care, bye."
Half of me was glad he at least replied but the other half knew that was it, it was over.

I didn't know what to do, and that night I decided the only way to see him one last time was to go to his work. Driving from west covina 2 hours earlier than his expected off work time in case of traffic or any other circumstance that will lead me to miss him, and from there I waited for him to get off of work, hoping that everything will turn out alright.

Right when I saw a familiar backpack, I quickly power walked towards him, just as he closed his trunk, I grabbed his arm and held it as close to me as possible. My heart beated super fast, I could barely breath, what's wrong with me? Right when I grabbed him he jumped, from not expecting me to be back from Mexico, and he said that I was the last thing on his mind (from 1-99 he said I was like the 99th thing there.) that he was thinking about work and what he needs to do later today on his to do list, and all of a sudden I showed up.

He looked around seemingly like he didn't want others he know to see this so I asked if we could talk somewhere else (was planning to anyways), and he thought for a bit and said okay and together we drove (separately) to the nearby park.

While driving there I shook, I didn't know what I was going to say to him. All the things I have that I wanted to say all of a sudden disappear when I saw him and held his arm by my side. He makes my head go blank, as crazy as that sound.
While driving there I called Irene in panic, didn't know what to say or what to do. When we parked, we both sat in the car for a bit before exiting. It seemed like one of those slow motion dramatic moments.
From there we walked to a shaded bench, I walked far apart from him, felt so distant, something I am not used to. Still confused about how to start the conversation, how to start everything.
===

Pablo told me recently (last Thursday when I met with him 07/02/2015) that he lost the feeling of love, in the very beginning of the relationship. He didn't know when, or how, but he told me at some point in time he just stopped loving me.

Then I asked him why did he continue through with the relationship, even despite the break ups. And he replies by telling me that, he initially thought that it'd be okay if he just cared for me, just continued to care, continue to try, but then every time we argue, he realizes that it isn't working, that I am asking for way more than he can give, way more than his care can afford.

And it's true, I ask for a lot, that usually I can't even give that much myself, I just expect rather than give back, rather than think about how the others feel, think about how he feels.

He then referenced it to the last argument we had right before the breakup. The souvenir break up, where he blames himself for not being able to go out of the way to get me something nicer as a souvenir rather than a free shirt. That he doesn't love me enough to buy me something nice (I feel like he was referencing to his colleague, who got me a penguin key chain because I asked him to get me something, but the thing is that isn't love, getting someone nicer thing isn't love, it's not about the quality of the item but the meaning behind getting someone something). But honestly, the reason for the argument and me being upset that day was because I was conflicted over my feelings, confused, and conflicted. Then when he picked up the penguin that his collegue got me that was on the side of the car, because I didn't know where to place it yet, I recalled the fact that he hasn't given me his souvenirs yet, and it was late. And I began to give him unnecessary attitude over it, over the fact that normal people don't have to wait three, four weeks and then have to ask for their sourvienirs, usually it's just given. I was so overwhelmed by my negative thoughts that I ignored his feelings completely.

He was slient for a few moment before he said that he didn't know where he placed them. And that only got me more into the negative feelings I already have that overwhelmed me.

Pablo just stood there, and I just looked away angrily. How hurt he must have felt from all my comments, from all my negative energy I give out.

I told him forget it and that just go back in, because at that time I had to go grab dinner with my friends from high school, but then little did I know he went to look for the sourvirns at the trunk of his car.
He didn't forget about them, because at time he'd tell me the souvieirs are still in his car, but just he is a bit forgetful sometimes and he have been busy with me, his work and school of course he wouldn't have the time, and what it's not like the gifts are going anywhere, I don't know why I always have to be so angry at things.
Pablo came back later to my surprise because I thought he had already left home, but he had a shirt in one hand and a cup in another.
Pablo got me an extra shirt from maker faire*, a shirt in which I recall he loved to wear because it was soft and would always brag about. And I wasn't upset because he got me a free shirt, I was upset at what he said later, that he lost my shirt and he have to give me the one he already wore. And from there I made a huge fuss about it and cried when I could've just used my words. Stupidity I know.
My princess attitude usually gets the best of me, and I hated that about me, that it always gets the best of me without my control. And then later gets me in trouble. And I \never learn.
The next gift was from San Diego, when he went to a game over there, at the Petco Park. I recall him saying there's something important about the cup  when we were phoning one day, that I probably wouldn't know but he didn't really go into details. But anyways I got so upset that I forgot to thank him for going out of his way in the first place to get me something.
I forgot the essencial thank you for getting me a gift, instead I got upset.
Then from there he sat down on the side of my car and told me that "I think you should go find someone else, someone else who care for you more than me, because obviously I don't care for you enough to get you something nice, I can't even go the extra mile to get you something decent."
Did he mistook my upset over the fact that he lost my shirt as a upset over the fact he think he gave me something crappy? Because honestly I wasn't mad over the shirt. (well I was, but for a whole completely different reason)

And from there the break up happened.

Sure anyone can get me somthing nice, heck I can get something nice for people I don't care about because they really want it or something like that, but to put thoughts into the gift? To bring something back means a lot already.
I got too overwhelmed by my negativity to realize the initial importance, that he thought of me enough to get me something back.
I mean look at me during CES, did I get him something nice? No, I got him a lanyard, a freaking lanyard and that's it, yet he was happy.
Happiness should be simple, should be easy, should be something shared and doesn't need more to acquire.

What moved me was he said, "I really did try to make it work. I really did try." And I know he did, that's the thing.
I felt it, but he didn't feel anything from me. Perhaps random act of kindness here and there, but if we were to put the amount of things I did and amount of things he did, he would probably be the brick of gold, and mine would be the flick of feather.

He apologized to me for not breaking up with me earlier, lingering for so long, making me more emotionally attached to him than I would've been if he broke it off earlier. But I was glad this all happened, that he didn't break it off until now, that we experienced so much together.
I had so much happy times with him that I didn't mind. I loved the times I spent with him just as much as I regretted the times where I didn't appreciate him.

I then asked him, then why beg for my forgiveness at the time when I was trying to break off with him? Why try so hard to get me back then?
He told me he didn't want to end it at a bad note, that he didn't want to end it with him being at fault, ending it like that would make him feel bad, and he doesn't like ending things in bad note.

In our talk, I also asked him why he deleted me off of Facebook and he chuckled a bit and said, "is that what you were worried about?"
The mood of the conversation suddenly got lighter with the chuckle, "Well, no not that but well yes."
He then explained that it was nothing personal , it was just the matter of fact that he had attachment with me, and he didn't want to see my name pop up on his Facebook. Although he long unfollowed me, (because he doesn't like seeing me tagging myself in places making him feel insecure and what not when its unnecessary, and that's why when he wants to know where I am he looks at my profile instead of his news feed) he wants to completely cut off from me. He said that he doesn't believe in being friends with his ex, and that he was never friends with his other exs, so he isn't going to make the exception for me (even though initially he said we could be friends, what a liar. but I get where he's coming from).
From there the conversation got a bit lighter, I don't remember much of the conversation detail since its been three days or so, but I just know it wasn't uncomfortable. I asked him if he feels uncomfortable about this meet up he said no, nor the conversation.

But when I hugged him and begged him for the relationship back, well more like semi reasoned the relationship with him he said no all the way and pushed me away, telling me to not touch him. He said that the only reason he is here to talk to me is because he wants to answer any question that I have to ask, any left over questions I have and that he is just being way too nice, and that he doesn't feel anything for me anymore or want anything to do with me anymore.
And that he doesn't want the relationship, not this one, not a relationship either.
And that I need to stop touching him.
That he have changed, and he have set his priority, and that this isn't in his priority right now. That he wants to focus on other things.
And that he is no longer the Pablo he was two weeks ago, that he was no longer the Pablo then. That he changed.
He said that he have gone back from his words too many times, and he wants to finally stick with something, that he wants to finally stand by something he says or decide in.
It hurts, because of all that he said, because I want to be the exception, I want to go back to his arm, and I want him to take me back, I want so much I miss his hugs, miss his comfort and miss him telling me everything is going to be okay.
He changed his hairstyle, and now his attitude towards things, although he is still the Pablo I know, the distance scares me. I am not a big fan of changes, that's why when this all happened, I panicked.
I wish this would just be like the other time. I hated myself for telling myself to give him space.
Then I begin to think stupid thoughts like I always have, thoughts that doesn't make sense, and are worst, but I just think about it anyways. What if I continued to beg him the first week we broke up? Then what are the chances we'd get back together, why did I have to reflect upon myself and tell myself not to talk to him?
He told me that very first day, he cried the whole night, he let all his emotions out, and then that week and the week following he grieved and got over me.
If I refleted and then talked to him right after instead of waiting till I get back from mexico, would it all have been different?
Cindy told me to give him space, but I feel like space only made us further. Perhaps he would've done the same thing regardless, not take me back, but I don't know. There's just so much what if going through my head then.

====
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(http://makerfaire.com/makerfairehistory/)