Morning Oral

Last night when he came back, it got a bit awkward because of what happened right before he left for the soccer game.

We never really talked about it after his hormones gone down, so when we finally sat in the same room and talked about it, it got weird.

He told me, “Jenny, I need to talk to you.”

Then he continues the sentence with, “Sorry,”

He pushes the friends for benefit thing off of the table, but then again we were all drained and out of hormones to deal with our desires if we had any at the moment.

“I took advantage of you and your emotions when I shouldn’t have, and I am sorry”

He pauses a bit and then continues, “this is wrong, and its not healthy, its not right for you, that I am just taking advantage of your feelings for me for my sexual pleasure”

When girls hear things like that I mean they should feel good because the guys actually realizes what they’re doing ( I mean sure it’s after he finished that he realized all that but hey better than never right).Better late than never.

But I didn’t want that, I liked what we had and wouldn’t mind continuing it.

I don’t know if it was the fact that we’re not suppose to be doing it that is getting my heart racing, or just my horny hormones in general, but the original feelings I had for him were long gone. In fact it was when he left for the soccer game that I was still shaking in shock of what happened and other half of me confused.

In some senses it felt like how it felt when we first started hugging each other a year ago, heck the only difference is we already dated.

So what if I never had feelings for him and all the feelings I had were just urges and the need for someone to be there?

It’s a scary thought in the long run, but what if I never loved him, and he never loved me and we just thought that the feelings we had were love when it really wasn’t love to begin with.

I know what I had with my first love was definitely love, sure there were hormones involved but I had a thing for him for 7, 8 years nonstop. Something I didn’t have with anyone else.

The scary thought got to me while I was dining too, what the hell did I put myself through the past year?

Heck did I even love the last boyfriend I had before this one?

Did I ever love? Or are they all just feelings I have fabricated and none of them were actually real? What if they were just all hormones and all that?

So anyways the night ended with this can’t ever happen again and that he was sorry about what he did and all.

But then the next morning, right when I thought all of this were gonna be over, he came into the room to wake me up to eat breakfast because he had to go to work and couldn’t prepare my food and so he wanted me to watch the soup and prep it myself.

Then I reeled him in, well not really, just grabbed his hand because he was trying to shake me while I am half asleep.

And strangely, he leaned over and let me pull him. And slowly he got onto the bed right next to me. The Twin size bed.

And from there I hugged him initially, and it led to almost what happened yesterday.

He kept repeating, “I hate you” even though let’s admit it, he doesn’t

Appearantly he said he saw my boobs earlier and it was my fault that got him all like that, but the half asleep me have definitely nothing to do with it. Come on, I was half asleep, his wondering eyes got to see my cleavage, oh I am sorry for having some, its not like I purposely pop em out and be like here it is.

From him originally rushing because he was going to head off to work, to him being on bed, not wanting to go to work anymore because of his sexual desire, and because of what his penis is telling him, its kind of interesting to see how weak men really are when it comes to things like this.

I mean nothing besides snuggling happened, and then 2 minutes before we left, he said, “I will kiss you but then after we really have to get up.”

Haha bad idea, of course it led to wanting to stay longer, but anyways when we finally got up and headed to the kitchen and started prepping food, and was on a wheel chair while he was standing. So my head was the same height to his waist, and of course you guessed it, a bit of oral happened.

So much for promise me that this is not going to happen again. We all know we are bad with those kind of promises.

He even said something that surprised me, “I mean you have one more day here, we might as well make the best of it with that day left.”

Never expected him to say that.

Humans have their desires that aren’t going to be fulfilled that easily.

But I pushed him out to actually leaving for work because girls have more self control than guys when it comes to these things, weirdly enough.

He changed and left.

I thought you know maybe  after he left he is going to get a good shake and realize what happened was wrong and you know stop there, but then when he got to work he texted me that, “My boss isn’t even here….We could have “delayed traffic” a little longer (-___-)” because when he said he was late for work, I told him to tell his boss that there was delayed traffic.

But I never expected him to text me that when he was at work.

I thought you know it would hit him, but then again if our sexual tension isn’t released I guess it’s really hard to make much of a right decisions.

We will see where it goes from here. I will keep my digital journal updated since I have nothing much else to do anyways.

Unexpected Break Up Sex

I did something bad.

Something really bad , regrettably bad.

I had sex with my ex.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I have had sex with my exs before, but never like this.

The person who no longer love me, the person who honestly stopped caring for me and have any emotions for me.

The person who I admire for the longest time still after break up. (I am not sure about it anymore)

But honestly how the hell did we get here, broken up, lead to oral sex, and a conversation about possibly friends for benefit, although in his thinking it’d just be benefit, bootycalls.

He doesn’t want to deal with a relationship, not with me anyways since he doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore. Makes sense.

“Emotionless sex, is that what you want?” he asked me while we were at it, “It’s just so wrong.” He says as we continued.

I know its wrong, how can two people who broke up have emotionless sex, but it happens, our hormones tells us what feels good and what doesn’t and we just end up doing it.

It may be because of his lack of sleep, since he slept at 4am and had to wake up at 8am. Or maybe it’s because of his man needs that finally got to the best of him, but for whatever reason it is that finally led him to not logically think what I initially wanted, I got it.

For him to break down his wall and make out with me.

It started off with him coming back from work and hanging in the guest room where I was. We talked a bit before he took half of the twin size bed. I wanted to hug him, but of course I knew about his no touching rules and I didn’t. The closeness, being able to smell his scent, I know I don’t feel for him the same way I did before, but I missed it, missed being able to hug him anytime and just I guess someone there.  He said that in 5 minutes he was just going to go off to sleep, and laid there with me.

“How stupid of you to not take advantage of the 5 minutes.” He said, “I am here to talk to you about anything for 5 minutes and you’re wasting it.”

I smiled, because honestly this was enough, I didn’t need a conversation, just by being this close with him, I liked it. I missed it enough. Somewhere in my long term memory was used to it. It felt almost like he stayed for way longer though. When he finally got off the bed, and left to his room, and closed the door behind him, he laughed as he jumped on the bed because originally he was suppose to go to a soccer game and his friend just texted him that he was out of work and ready to go right when Pablo was about to take a nap.

So I rolled in with my chair with wheels and leaned my head on the side of the bed as he laid on his bed. I knew I shouldn’t be close to him, because he didn’t want that. But things got weird fast, from him patting me with his knee to him putting his hand close to me on the pillow I was hugging.

“’Your weird.”

“What why?”

“This whole thing is weird.”

“What is weird.”

“You staying at my house, that’s why you can only stay until Thursday”

“What does that even mean?”

“It seems so much like nothing’s changed, that anything could technically happen.”

We shared eye contacts, and slowly, I pushed my hand close to his hands and held it. From there things escalated, conversation escalated. And he asked, “Do you want to come onto the bed?”

I nodded, as he pulled me up telling me, “then come”

As I headed up onto the bed, he hugged me tightly to my surprise. It’s been so long, so, so long. I missed it all. It’s weird, I know I lost my feelings for him, but my heart beated so fast, I was scared, I didn’t know what was happening, it seemed almost just like when we first started hugging. I was shaking a little.

He didn’t want kisses initially, and he said that, “this is going to be bad later on, for you emotionally”.

I smiled and said, “it’s okay, I’d rather live the moment than not have lived the moment” and it’s true.

I have spent too much time in life to think and imagine what would’ve happened if this happened, and what would’ve happened if that happened, it was time to start acting upon it.

We hugged tightly as I pressed my face onto his neck, and whispered, “plus that’s how we started anyways.”

He said something that was really interesting though, “While other couples have complained about having crappy sex, that’s something we have always been amazing at.” And it was true, we did have many amazing sex moments, and that was got to be one of the greatest thing I am going to miss about the relationship, the sex.

I told him, “I know, we always had amazing sex and they were never boring.”

He smiles and then tells me, “that’s because I know my ways and am creative with my ways, and you don’t mind going along with it.”

If we have a communication issue, sex was defiantly something we didn’t have much communication issues with, I guess hormones does help with communication and not help with communications at time.

Which was true, we started our initial relationship hugging. Long hugging period which lead to all that esculation later (just like what happened today). From him not wanting any kisses or anything more than a hug, I convienced him into a one time thing.

Utlimately, he said “fine, but promise me, that this is a one time thing, and after this there will be no physical contact, and that nobody can know about this”

And how can I say no? My hormones’ been dancing around since he lured me into that hug, and if it wasn’t for my bleeding vagina I would’ve done way more than what we have done then.

He had his fun, he had his oral sex all the way while I had barely anything.

I wouldn’t call it equality, but hey, I guess I was the one who said that I didn’t mind it.

Never perfomed an oral that much on anyone and all of a sudden I was able to perform on my ex more than my boyfriend when he was in a relationship with me?

I guess you’re more open to change and surrounding later on in life or something along the lines, who the hell knows.

I am fucking confused myself.

I don’t even know what the hell just happened and am still stunned at all that have happened a few hours ago. He was 30 minutes late to meeting his friend before of us. We spent a whole hour together.

It’s going to be a bit weird facing him later that I don’t know if I want to face him later tonight when he comes back from the game at 12am.

I think I am just going to go with the flow and see how it goes from there.

No regrets.  Life is too short for regrets.

Although during sex we did have many interesting conversation, where I asked if he masturbated when we broke up (of course he did) I meant how many times.

And his response was, “this month? Or this week?”

I said both, and waited. He hesitated and didn’t want to answer at first, but later I was like, “hey if I am able to go all out on oral sex, you got to give me something.”

Then after more hesitation he finally said, “3 this week, and 12 this month.”

I was like damn, a regular masturbation of 4 times turned into 12 after a break up, makes sense though because I masturbated practically three times a day the first two weeks or so when we broke up. My sex drive was really high for some weird reason, I guess we were really sexually active to a point that when we stopped all of a sudden I had to feed the hunger with something and masturbating one time doesn’t beat the sex for one time.

I guess the reference can go to vampire knight, how eating the blood tablet is not the same thing like drinking actual human blood you know. Just like drinking blood from stranger doesn’t taste as good as drinking blood from your lover, but in this case Pablo. Strange analogy but if you’re an Vampire Knight fan you’d know.