Unexpected Break Up Sex

I did something bad.

Something really bad , regrettably bad.

I had sex with my ex.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I have had sex with my exs before, but never like this.

The person who no longer love me, the person who honestly stopped caring for me and have any emotions for me.

The person who I admire for the longest time still after break up. (I am not sure about it anymore)

But honestly how the hell did we get here, broken up, lead to oral sex, and a conversation about possibly friends for benefit, although in his thinking it’d just be benefit, bootycalls.

He doesn’t want to deal with a relationship, not with me anyways since he doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore. Makes sense.

“Emotionless sex, is that what you want?” he asked me while we were at it, “It’s just so wrong.” He says as we continued.

I know its wrong, how can two people who broke up have emotionless sex, but it happens, our hormones tells us what feels good and what doesn’t and we just end up doing it.

It may be because of his lack of sleep, since he slept at 4am and had to wake up at 8am. Or maybe it’s because of his man needs that finally got to the best of him, but for whatever reason it is that finally led him to not logically think what I initially wanted, I got it.

For him to break down his wall and make out with me.

It started off with him coming back from work and hanging in the guest room where I was. We talked a bit before he took half of the twin size bed. I wanted to hug him, but of course I knew about his no touching rules and I didn’t. The closeness, being able to smell his scent, I know I don’t feel for him the same way I did before, but I missed it, missed being able to hug him anytime and just I guess someone there.  He said that in 5 minutes he was just going to go off to sleep, and laid there with me.

“How stupid of you to not take advantage of the 5 minutes.” He said, “I am here to talk to you about anything for 5 minutes and you’re wasting it.”

I smiled, because honestly this was enough, I didn’t need a conversation, just by being this close with him, I liked it. I missed it enough. Somewhere in my long term memory was used to it. It felt almost like he stayed for way longer though. When he finally got off the bed, and left to his room, and closed the door behind him, he laughed as he jumped on the bed because originally he was suppose to go to a soccer game and his friend just texted him that he was out of work and ready to go right when Pablo was about to take a nap.

So I rolled in with my chair with wheels and leaned my head on the side of the bed as he laid on his bed. I knew I shouldn’t be close to him, because he didn’t want that. But things got weird fast, from him patting me with his knee to him putting his hand close to me on the pillow I was hugging.

“’Your weird.”

“What why?”

“This whole thing is weird.”

“What is weird.”

“You staying at my house, that’s why you can only stay until Thursday”

“What does that even mean?”

“It seems so much like nothing’s changed, that anything could technically happen.”

We shared eye contacts, and slowly, I pushed my hand close to his hands and held it. From there things escalated, conversation escalated. And he asked, “Do you want to come onto the bed?”

I nodded, as he pulled me up telling me, “then come”

As I headed up onto the bed, he hugged me tightly to my surprise. It’s been so long, so, so long. I missed it all. It’s weird, I know I lost my feelings for him, but my heart beated so fast, I was scared, I didn’t know what was happening, it seemed almost just like when we first started hugging. I was shaking a little.

He didn’t want kisses initially, and he said that, “this is going to be bad later on, for you emotionally”.

I smiled and said, “it’s okay, I’d rather live the moment than not have lived the moment” and it’s true.

I have spent too much time in life to think and imagine what would’ve happened if this happened, and what would’ve happened if that happened, it was time to start acting upon it.

We hugged tightly as I pressed my face onto his neck, and whispered, “plus that’s how we started anyways.”

He said something that was really interesting though, “While other couples have complained about having crappy sex, that’s something we have always been amazing at.” And it was true, we did have many amazing sex moments, and that was got to be one of the greatest thing I am going to miss about the relationship, the sex.

I told him, “I know, we always had amazing sex and they were never boring.”

He smiles and then tells me, “that’s because I know my ways and am creative with my ways, and you don’t mind going along with it.”

If we have a communication issue, sex was defiantly something we didn’t have much communication issues with, I guess hormones does help with communication and not help with communications at time.

Which was true, we started our initial relationship hugging. Long hugging period which lead to all that esculation later (just like what happened today). From him not wanting any kisses or anything more than a hug, I convienced him into a one time thing.

Utlimately, he said “fine, but promise me, that this is a one time thing, and after this there will be no physical contact, and that nobody can know about this”

And how can I say no? My hormones’ been dancing around since he lured me into that hug, and if it wasn’t for my bleeding vagina I would’ve done way more than what we have done then.

He had his fun, he had his oral sex all the way while I had barely anything.

I wouldn’t call it equality, but hey, I guess I was the one who said that I didn’t mind it.

Never perfomed an oral that much on anyone and all of a sudden I was able to perform on my ex more than my boyfriend when he was in a relationship with me?

I guess you’re more open to change and surrounding later on in life or something along the lines, who the hell knows.

I am fucking confused myself.

I don’t even know what the hell just happened and am still stunned at all that have happened a few hours ago. He was 30 minutes late to meeting his friend before of us. We spent a whole hour together.

It’s going to be a bit weird facing him later that I don’t know if I want to face him later tonight when he comes back from the game at 12am.

I think I am just going to go with the flow and see how it goes from there.

No regrets.  Life is too short for regrets.

Although during sex we did have many interesting conversation, where I asked if he masturbated when we broke up (of course he did) I meant how many times.

And his response was, “this month? Or this week?”

I said both, and waited. He hesitated and didn’t want to answer at first, but later I was like, “hey if I am able to go all out on oral sex, you got to give me something.”

Then after more hesitation he finally said, “3 this week, and 12 this month.”

I was like damn, a regular masturbation of 4 times turned into 12 after a break up, makes sense though because I masturbated practically three times a day the first two weeks or so when we broke up. My sex drive was really high for some weird reason, I guess we were really sexually active to a point that when we stopped all of a sudden I had to feed the hunger with something and masturbating one time doesn’t beat the sex for one time.

I guess the reference can go to vampire knight, how eating the blood tablet is not the same thing like drinking actual human blood you know. Just like drinking blood from stranger doesn’t taste as good as drinking blood from your lover, but in this case Pablo. Strange analogy but if you’re an Vampire Knight fan you’d know.