First Wet Dream?

I had the weirdest fucking dream ever.
I took an nap because I slept this whole past month and ruined my sleeping pattern, but anyways.
I dreamed about meeting Pedro somewhere, and I guess what turned from seeing him, led to hug that he didn't really reject, and from there I guess he drove me to his house?
And his mom was in the car too? And I don't know what happened, but anyways...
We were at his guest room, when all of a sudden Jessica called me and asked me if I wanted to hang at the bar that she works at, and I said no, that I couldn't make it. Pedro and his mom were sitting by the floor on the side of the bed, and just stared at me while I am on the phone. And I guess from there, his mom disappeared and things escalated to just me and him in the room. And somehow we got closer as I hugged him, he didn't push me away.
From there on forward, he said that he'd take me back at 5 o/clock because I had to go see Jessica?
I told him I got myself excused and it was okay, so we pushed it to 6 as we kissed. And the scene changed to us being in the back seat of the car, driving up the 110 to pasadena from LA.
And there were a lot of curve, but then some how we continued, with no drive in the front, but somehow the car kind of controlled itself as we started humping each other, mebeing ontop of his lap. Oh god. from time to time he'd lean forward and move the steering wheel but then yeah.
And i finished before him, but that was when we reached the end of the freeway and I woke up....
I woke up and was like WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.

I never really had an actual sex dream, so for this to be the first time, and out of no where, it scared the fuck out of me.
Haven't masturbated for about 2 weeks now, maybe the first time after 2 weeks without masturbating or sex leads me to having these weird dreams?
God damn it alf

What were everyone else's first wet dreams I wonder
And this is considered a wet dream right?

Day 3 after everything

Waking up early in the morning to a nightmare again, to losing him. Haven't had a nightmare like that for a while, haven't had a nightmare like that for two weeks now, and suddenly having it again really is putting a toll on me, on my morning emotions, and wake up routine.
I want to give up so badly, I want to let go, I want to move on. My feelings for him are numb, but then the memories forbid me to move on. The new set of memories I created with him along with the old ones that were put on hold.
I hate the feeling. Maybe going back the second time waasn't a good idea. Perhaps he was right about getting closer, that we shouldn't have gotten that much closer, just because of how much more painful it was pulling myself apart from him again.
I want to know how he is doing, and if he is struggling just like I am, or is he doing better than me?
He have a actual job, actual hobby, things to work on, and summer school while I am just stuck at home thinking about the same thing over and over. No wonder it's killing me way more than its killing him.
I remember when Daniel and I first broke up (my second boyfriend, the one before this one), I had other things to do, college, and etc to keep my core focus away from the pain. Sure there was pain, but it didn't sink that deep within. I remember crying at school that day when he let go of me after a fight, saying that he couldn't take it anymore. Which now thinking about it, is similar to what Pablo said (my most current ex).
That night when we spoke to 4am, he told me that he had a limit and the relationship way exceeded his limit, and he doesn't want to deal with it anymore. I regret every moment of me taking advantage of him. I regret a lot of things, knowing that I shouldn't have done it, but I let my emotion get the best of me, and ultimately losing him.
I don't want to live this way, live in a life where I can't control my emotions, let it run loose and get the worst of me. I want to be able to keep those who I truly value around, and I want to do it before it's too late, because I lose anymore people I treasure.
I dislike my personality, and how I value things way differently than they should be valued. I don't realize their value until I lose them. Reading back to my other entries of my digital journal, it made me realize something, that it's always when I am on the edge of losing Pablo that I write a letter of regret or something along the line. It's not right.
Human nature, we are never satisfied, we are greedy creature who always want to have more, always want the better end of the stick, and just always compare ourselves to others at time. Its something that comes to us naturally, and it makes me sick that I am like that. I should be satisfied with what I have rather than keep comparing to the nonexistence.
When I was with Pablo, I keep comparing my relationship with my past even though clearly they're over. I keep thinking to myself, that I can always go back to my old relationship if this one fails, that at least Daniel does this, Pablo doesn't even do that. But in reality, I didn't realize how much that was hurting me mentally and hurting the relationship. That kind of thoughts shouldn't even be approved to have in the first place.
Number one, I don't even love Daniel, I don't even want to be in a realtionship with him in the first place, so why I am even thinking that, and telling myself I can always go back to him. Sure he will take me anytime because he is single and did want me back at some point. He is a easy target if I just want to land back to a stage before. But I knew clearly I didn't want that, so why was I thinking that?
Number two, Daniel was a rebound that I ended up spending 2 years of my life with, sure we had our good times, but I never truly had feelings for him like I had with Pablo or Wilson (lets say that was my first boyfriend's name).
Number three, are you dating Daniel right now? No. So how the hell do you know if he can and will do it better than Pablo. What the hell was I even thinking at the time? I have no idea.
I remember when I was dating Daniel, I did the similar thing and thought about Wilson. I tend to live in the past a little too much, leading to a lot of argument because I think I am not treated the way I was suppose to be treated.
I was a spoiled bum when it comes to being in a relationship because I always get what I want when I want it. And with Pablo letting me, it just makes it way easier to take advantage of him without noticing, which is something I wanted to slap myself in the face for. I can't believe I didn't see it. How uncomfortable I was when Daniel was demanding me to do things, how uncomfortable when I feel like a lot of times I am forced against my will, and have no voice or say in things. Yet when I am in a relationship with Pablo, I did exactly what Daniel did to me. Barely leaving him room to breath.

When you hold someone too tight, barely leaving them room to breathe, you will only end up losing them in the process. 

 I want to do anything in my power to get him back, but then he doesn't want back into this relationship in particular because of all the bad its done was way over the goods. He lost his feelings for me, lost the feeling of love for a while, he thought if he tried hard enough he could perhaps get it back, or perhaps be happy, or perhaps we would be happy, but that didn't last long because of how I am and how this relationship was structured.
It didn't have a good foundation to begin with, we escalated way too quickly, and without first or second date, we went straight base after base after the first kiss. And it didn't take long for home run to happen when usually in dating it should be the opposite. He emphaised on that a lot, because that was the main thing that led to this distrust. Because according to him if I can move that fast with him, then that must mean I can move that fast with anyone, but he was the only one who I ever was comfortable in moving that fast with.
This is weird that I only just realized this right now as I am typing, but I was comfortable with everything since the beginning. Sure in the beginning it was a bit weird, and scary because it was all new, but then I wasn't uncomfortable like how I was when I was with Daniel.
Yesterday I was on the phone with my friend who was interning at Washington DC (3 hour difference, yet she stayed on the phone with me till 1am, which over there was 4am, thank you. let's call her Ida) While being on the phone with Ida I realized that I was never comfortable with the idea of sex when I was with Daniel. When we first had it, I wasn't mentally or physcially ready, and througout the relationship, i dont think I was ever ready. Sure there were hormones in me that got me want to do things, but never sex with him. Maybe it's just my memories fabricating on me, but I was never so willing and so comfortable in something like sex until I met Pablo.
Why are all these realization hitting me so late in life, way too late to achieve anything anymore. It's just like humans realize they're ruining the earth a few billion years too late even though they knew what they were doing and what the consequences were.
Like what do you mean cutting trees kills life, kills bioamosphere, and cause more CO2 in the environment, and green house gases. What do you mean we are low on tree and oxygen production? What do you mean that we are all going to die because of the lack of trees? So you're telling me that making paper kills trees?
Dumb logic people don't start analyzing until late, I mean yeah sure it beats never realizing it, but it doesn't make it better realizing it all this late.
I think humanity and their thinking process is stupid. I mean its beautiful, but sometimes stupid, or maybe just mine.

The last of the last; confliction.

The Last Message via Facebook

It's finally over, finally done, our last goodbye, and this time I am sure of it.

All this time, this past few months before our break up, I always thought that I didn't love him anymore, but it was through this month of losing him, and getting through all the confusion that made me realize something, that even though my heart was numb for him, I still loved him very much. And it hurts extremely much.

All the sex we had, and all the jokes we made, the times we spent together was enough for me to fall for him again. I finally understood why he wanted to keep his distance.

I finally understood why he'd rather be mean to me than to express his kindness in any sort. I finally understood why when I initially started staying at his house, he pushed me away and isloated me in the room by myself rather than keeping me company, because he knew that by staying there it'd only trigger unnecessary memories, and unnecessary pain.

He is doing well off without me, he is able to keep on track, work out and hangout with his friends at his own free time, he get to take on control of his life again. Something I'd always throw him off of his track because of my personality and how when I want something I'd have to get it attitude.

Throughout this week where we spent together, from Monday night to Friday morning/Thursday night it was unforgettable. We went from barely touching to having sex in the car as our last good bye. He said that he doesn't have feelings for me, and that he feels bad after we have sex because he feels like he is taking advantage of me, but then the thing is that I don't know how I feel about him, for a minute i could feel like I don't have feelings for him, and in another minute it feels like my heart is racing when he is around. I am not sure if it's the hormones that is doing the trick or what not, but its really confusing.

I want to know how he feels, I want to feel what he feels so I know how and what to do.

I found his journal the other day while he was at work, because he didn't really hide it well, but then there was an entry that he recently wrote, an entry that he wrote a day before I went to his house again. I assumed he wrote it after i texted him asking if i could stay over again.

Here's what he wrote:

"It's not fair, I don't want her to stay. I am an independent man who does whatever he wants whenever he wants too. She just can't leave me alone. The stress just gets to me. It's like I'm dating her all over again and its not fair. I can barley write about this!!! its not fair. Okay I'm done."

Then follow by a bunch of pen shading and i guess angry slashes.

when i read it, it got to me, perhaps he was tired of me, tired of the relationship and there is no hope. when i stayed at his house, i told myself not to do nip pick on things, after all i am staying there unwelcome.

I dont understand him at all, if he really doesn't want me to be there, why did he say yes? I asked him why, and his response is because when there's someone in need of help, he wants to help when he is able to. And with the fact that he have a free room to offer, and he is able to, he wants to help.

He says that he is helping out of his pure kindness and nothing else, this doesn't mean he have feelings for me, it doesn't mean he wants the relationship back, all itmeans is that he is just being nice, not because he feels obligated.

And that i shouldn't take his niceness in as anything else.

But how can i not? Being in a relationship with him for the past 9 month, and now I have to move on, yet i am living under his roof, (or was) and was being taken cared of by his mom. Through all and all, him keeping me company at night and you know, talking to me, staying up watching arrested development on Netflix with me. There is just so much that we did together, although not as couple, but its tempting to make me want to go back to how we were before.

its true that I'd rather have his kindness and the way he was treating me than the cold treatment he had gave the first day, but then I am beginning to question maybe he is right to believe that cold treatment would've been nicer. It would've definately shoot me down a lot faster, and bring me less hope than i have now.

After all, we had sex, and kissed. You don't just kiss and say you have no affection towards that person. Pablo said he doesn't feel anything and that if anything it's his hormones mostly, what the hell am i suppose to say? Am i suppose to be like let me check to see if that's the case?

 On the last night, the night where he dropped me off, we were in the car talking and hanging till late, 4am to be exact.

And through those time, we held hands, we kissed and we had sex. Everything seemed like the way it was before we broke up, and he told me that he doesn't want to try again (yes I can't believe I asked again) he said that it is better for the both of us in the long run. And that he doesn't want to get physically, emotionally involved, and that he just doesn't trust me.

I want to tell him this time is different, i want to earn his trust again, and tell him that I understand his priorities now and that things will be different. that we learned from things, and we are able to change, and i told him that i can wage anything on this, to say that this time around it would work because of all of that.

but he said, this is why he didn't want to get close to me, to give me the hope of getting back together when we are not. he said that even just spending this week with me, he didn't sleep well, eat well, and he just haven't been productive etc. And I know it's true, because I was the one who dragged him on, because i told myself that if this is the last few days i am going to spend with him, i might as well make him stay up with me, because the selfish me wants to spend more times with him before i can't spend any more time with him. And he even was late for work because of my presence (although it was from his temptation that lead him to being late to work in the first place).

But all in all, he said that he was still physcially attracted to me, and that's why we were still able to have sex, but that emotionally he isn't.

What the hell is that suppose to mean.

I want to know how he feels at this point, i want to know what he is thinking and everything, but i feel like it will be useless and the chances are, he doesn't feel the same way for me as i feel for him, if i feel anything for him.

I am conflicted I don't even know how the hell I am suppose to feel right now. 

Unexpected Break Up Sex

I did something bad.

Something really bad , regrettably bad.

I had sex with my ex.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I have had sex with my exs before, but never like this.

The person who no longer love me, the person who honestly stopped caring for me and have any emotions for me.

The person who I admire for the longest time still after break up. (I am not sure about it anymore)

But honestly how the hell did we get here, broken up, lead to oral sex, and a conversation about possibly friends for benefit, although in his thinking it’d just be benefit, bootycalls.

He doesn’t want to deal with a relationship, not with me anyways since he doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore. Makes sense.

“Emotionless sex, is that what you want?” he asked me while we were at it, “It’s just so wrong.” He says as we continued.

I know its wrong, how can two people who broke up have emotionless sex, but it happens, our hormones tells us what feels good and what doesn’t and we just end up doing it.

It may be because of his lack of sleep, since he slept at 4am and had to wake up at 8am. Or maybe it’s because of his man needs that finally got to the best of him, but for whatever reason it is that finally led him to not logically think what I initially wanted, I got it.

For him to break down his wall and make out with me.

It started off with him coming back from work and hanging in the guest room where I was. We talked a bit before he took half of the twin size bed. I wanted to hug him, but of course I knew about his no touching rules and I didn’t. The closeness, being able to smell his scent, I know I don’t feel for him the same way I did before, but I missed it, missed being able to hug him anytime and just I guess someone there.  He said that in 5 minutes he was just going to go off to sleep, and laid there with me.

“How stupid of you to not take advantage of the 5 minutes.” He said, “I am here to talk to you about anything for 5 minutes and you’re wasting it.”

I smiled, because honestly this was enough, I didn’t need a conversation, just by being this close with him, I liked it. I missed it enough. Somewhere in my long term memory was used to it. It felt almost like he stayed for way longer though. When he finally got off the bed, and left to his room, and closed the door behind him, he laughed as he jumped on the bed because originally he was suppose to go to a soccer game and his friend just texted him that he was out of work and ready to go right when Pablo was about to take a nap.

So I rolled in with my chair with wheels and leaned my head on the side of the bed as he laid on his bed. I knew I shouldn’t be close to him, because he didn’t want that. But things got weird fast, from him patting me with his knee to him putting his hand close to me on the pillow I was hugging.

“’Your weird.”

“What why?”

“This whole thing is weird.”

“What is weird.”

“You staying at my house, that’s why you can only stay until Thursday”

“What does that even mean?”

“It seems so much like nothing’s changed, that anything could technically happen.”

We shared eye contacts, and slowly, I pushed my hand close to his hands and held it. From there things escalated, conversation escalated. And he asked, “Do you want to come onto the bed?”

I nodded, as he pulled me up telling me, “then come”

As I headed up onto the bed, he hugged me tightly to my surprise. It’s been so long, so, so long. I missed it all. It’s weird, I know I lost my feelings for him, but my heart beated so fast, I was scared, I didn’t know what was happening, it seemed almost just like when we first started hugging. I was shaking a little.

He didn’t want kisses initially, and he said that, “this is going to be bad later on, for you emotionally”.

I smiled and said, “it’s okay, I’d rather live the moment than not have lived the moment” and it’s true.

I have spent too much time in life to think and imagine what would’ve happened if this happened, and what would’ve happened if that happened, it was time to start acting upon it.

We hugged tightly as I pressed my face onto his neck, and whispered, “plus that’s how we started anyways.”

He said something that was really interesting though, “While other couples have complained about having crappy sex, that’s something we have always been amazing at.” And it was true, we did have many amazing sex moments, and that was got to be one of the greatest thing I am going to miss about the relationship, the sex.

I told him, “I know, we always had amazing sex and they were never boring.”

He smiles and then tells me, “that’s because I know my ways and am creative with my ways, and you don’t mind going along with it.”

If we have a communication issue, sex was defiantly something we didn’t have much communication issues with, I guess hormones does help with communication and not help with communications at time.

Which was true, we started our initial relationship hugging. Long hugging period which lead to all that esculation later (just like what happened today). From him not wanting any kisses or anything more than a hug, I convienced him into a one time thing.

Utlimately, he said “fine, but promise me, that this is a one time thing, and after this there will be no physical contact, and that nobody can know about this”

And how can I say no? My hormones’ been dancing around since he lured me into that hug, and if it wasn’t for my bleeding vagina I would’ve done way more than what we have done then.

He had his fun, he had his oral sex all the way while I had barely anything.

I wouldn’t call it equality, but hey, I guess I was the one who said that I didn’t mind it.

Never perfomed an oral that much on anyone and all of a sudden I was able to perform on my ex more than my boyfriend when he was in a relationship with me?

I guess you’re more open to change and surrounding later on in life or something along the lines, who the hell knows.

I am fucking confused myself.

I don’t even know what the hell just happened and am still stunned at all that have happened a few hours ago. He was 30 minutes late to meeting his friend before of us. We spent a whole hour together.

It’s going to be a bit weird facing him later that I don’t know if I want to face him later tonight when he comes back from the game at 12am.

I think I am just going to go with the flow and see how it goes from there.

No regrets.  Life is too short for regrets.

Although during sex we did have many interesting conversation, where I asked if he masturbated when we broke up (of course he did) I meant how many times.

And his response was, “this month? Or this week?”

I said both, and waited. He hesitated and didn’t want to answer at first, but later I was like, “hey if I am able to go all out on oral sex, you got to give me something.”

Then after more hesitation he finally said, “3 this week, and 12 this month.”

I was like damn, a regular masturbation of 4 times turned into 12 after a break up, makes sense though because I masturbated practically three times a day the first two weeks or so when we broke up. My sex drive was really high for some weird reason, I guess we were really sexually active to a point that when we stopped all of a sudden I had to feed the hunger with something and masturbating one time doesn’t beat the sex for one time.

I guess the reference can go to vampire knight, how eating the blood tablet is not the same thing like drinking actual human blood you know. Just like drinking blood from stranger doesn’t taste as good as drinking blood from your lover, but in this case Pablo. Strange analogy but if you’re an Vampire Knight fan you’d know.