Day 3 after everything

Waking up early in the morning to a nightmare again, to losing him. Haven't had a nightmare like that for a while, haven't had a nightmare like that for two weeks now, and suddenly having it again really is putting a toll on me, on my morning emotions, and wake up routine.
I want to give up so badly, I want to let go, I want to move on. My feelings for him are numb, but then the memories forbid me to move on. The new set of memories I created with him along with the old ones that were put on hold.
I hate the feeling. Maybe going back the second time waasn't a good idea. Perhaps he was right about getting closer, that we shouldn't have gotten that much closer, just because of how much more painful it was pulling myself apart from him again.
I want to know how he is doing, and if he is struggling just like I am, or is he doing better than me?
He have a actual job, actual hobby, things to work on, and summer school while I am just stuck at home thinking about the same thing over and over. No wonder it's killing me way more than its killing him.
I remember when Daniel and I first broke up (my second boyfriend, the one before this one), I had other things to do, college, and etc to keep my core focus away from the pain. Sure there was pain, but it didn't sink that deep within. I remember crying at school that day when he let go of me after a fight, saying that he couldn't take it anymore. Which now thinking about it, is similar to what Pablo said (my most current ex).
That night when we spoke to 4am, he told me that he had a limit and the relationship way exceeded his limit, and he doesn't want to deal with it anymore. I regret every moment of me taking advantage of him. I regret a lot of things, knowing that I shouldn't have done it, but I let my emotion get the best of me, and ultimately losing him.
I don't want to live this way, live in a life where I can't control my emotions, let it run loose and get the worst of me. I want to be able to keep those who I truly value around, and I want to do it before it's too late, because I lose anymore people I treasure.
I dislike my personality, and how I value things way differently than they should be valued. I don't realize their value until I lose them. Reading back to my other entries of my digital journal, it made me realize something, that it's always when I am on the edge of losing Pablo that I write a letter of regret or something along the line. It's not right.
Human nature, we are never satisfied, we are greedy creature who always want to have more, always want the better end of the stick, and just always compare ourselves to others at time. Its something that comes to us naturally, and it makes me sick that I am like that. I should be satisfied with what I have rather than keep comparing to the nonexistence.
When I was with Pablo, I keep comparing my relationship with my past even though clearly they're over. I keep thinking to myself, that I can always go back to my old relationship if this one fails, that at least Daniel does this, Pablo doesn't even do that. But in reality, I didn't realize how much that was hurting me mentally and hurting the relationship. That kind of thoughts shouldn't even be approved to have in the first place.
Number one, I don't even love Daniel, I don't even want to be in a realtionship with him in the first place, so why I am even thinking that, and telling myself I can always go back to him. Sure he will take me anytime because he is single and did want me back at some point. He is a easy target if I just want to land back to a stage before. But I knew clearly I didn't want that, so why was I thinking that?
Number two, Daniel was a rebound that I ended up spending 2 years of my life with, sure we had our good times, but I never truly had feelings for him like I had with Pablo or Wilson (lets say that was my first boyfriend's name).
Number three, are you dating Daniel right now? No. So how the hell do you know if he can and will do it better than Pablo. What the hell was I even thinking at the time? I have no idea.
I remember when I was dating Daniel, I did the similar thing and thought about Wilson. I tend to live in the past a little too much, leading to a lot of argument because I think I am not treated the way I was suppose to be treated.
I was a spoiled bum when it comes to being in a relationship because I always get what I want when I want it. And with Pablo letting me, it just makes it way easier to take advantage of him without noticing, which is something I wanted to slap myself in the face for. I can't believe I didn't see it. How uncomfortable I was when Daniel was demanding me to do things, how uncomfortable when I feel like a lot of times I am forced against my will, and have no voice or say in things. Yet when I am in a relationship with Pablo, I did exactly what Daniel did to me. Barely leaving him room to breath.

When you hold someone too tight, barely leaving them room to breathe, you will only end up losing them in the process. 

 I want to do anything in my power to get him back, but then he doesn't want back into this relationship in particular because of all the bad its done was way over the goods. He lost his feelings for me, lost the feeling of love for a while, he thought if he tried hard enough he could perhaps get it back, or perhaps be happy, or perhaps we would be happy, but that didn't last long because of how I am and how this relationship was structured.
It didn't have a good foundation to begin with, we escalated way too quickly, and without first or second date, we went straight base after base after the first kiss. And it didn't take long for home run to happen when usually in dating it should be the opposite. He emphaised on that a lot, because that was the main thing that led to this distrust. Because according to him if I can move that fast with him, then that must mean I can move that fast with anyone, but he was the only one who I ever was comfortable in moving that fast with.
This is weird that I only just realized this right now as I am typing, but I was comfortable with everything since the beginning. Sure in the beginning it was a bit weird, and scary because it was all new, but then I wasn't uncomfortable like how I was when I was with Daniel.
Yesterday I was on the phone with my friend who was interning at Washington DC (3 hour difference, yet she stayed on the phone with me till 1am, which over there was 4am, thank you. let's call her Ida) While being on the phone with Ida I realized that I was never comfortable with the idea of sex when I was with Daniel. When we first had it, I wasn't mentally or physcially ready, and througout the relationship, i dont think I was ever ready. Sure there were hormones in me that got me want to do things, but never sex with him. Maybe it's just my memories fabricating on me, but I was never so willing and so comfortable in something like sex until I met Pablo.
Why are all these realization hitting me so late in life, way too late to achieve anything anymore. It's just like humans realize they're ruining the earth a few billion years too late even though they knew what they were doing and what the consequences were.
Like what do you mean cutting trees kills life, kills bioamosphere, and cause more CO2 in the environment, and green house gases. What do you mean we are low on tree and oxygen production? What do you mean that we are all going to die because of the lack of trees? So you're telling me that making paper kills trees?
Dumb logic people don't start analyzing until late, I mean yeah sure it beats never realizing it, but it doesn't make it better realizing it all this late.
I think humanity and their thinking process is stupid. I mean its beautiful, but sometimes stupid, or maybe just mine.

The last of the last; confliction.

The Last Message via Facebook

It's finally over, finally done, our last goodbye, and this time I am sure of it.

All this time, this past few months before our break up, I always thought that I didn't love him anymore, but it was through this month of losing him, and getting through all the confusion that made me realize something, that even though my heart was numb for him, I still loved him very much. And it hurts extremely much.

All the sex we had, and all the jokes we made, the times we spent together was enough for me to fall for him again. I finally understood why he wanted to keep his distance.

I finally understood why he'd rather be mean to me than to express his kindness in any sort. I finally understood why when I initially started staying at his house, he pushed me away and isloated me in the room by myself rather than keeping me company, because he knew that by staying there it'd only trigger unnecessary memories, and unnecessary pain.

He is doing well off without me, he is able to keep on track, work out and hangout with his friends at his own free time, he get to take on control of his life again. Something I'd always throw him off of his track because of my personality and how when I want something I'd have to get it attitude.

Throughout this week where we spent together, from Monday night to Friday morning/Thursday night it was unforgettable. We went from barely touching to having sex in the car as our last good bye. He said that he doesn't have feelings for me, and that he feels bad after we have sex because he feels like he is taking advantage of me, but then the thing is that I don't know how I feel about him, for a minute i could feel like I don't have feelings for him, and in another minute it feels like my heart is racing when he is around. I am not sure if it's the hormones that is doing the trick or what not, but its really confusing.

I want to know how he feels, I want to feel what he feels so I know how and what to do.

I found his journal the other day while he was at work, because he didn't really hide it well, but then there was an entry that he recently wrote, an entry that he wrote a day before I went to his house again. I assumed he wrote it after i texted him asking if i could stay over again.

Here's what he wrote:

"It's not fair, I don't want her to stay. I am an independent man who does whatever he wants whenever he wants too. She just can't leave me alone. The stress just gets to me. It's like I'm dating her all over again and its not fair. I can barley write about this!!! its not fair. Okay I'm done."

Then follow by a bunch of pen shading and i guess angry slashes.

when i read it, it got to me, perhaps he was tired of me, tired of the relationship and there is no hope. when i stayed at his house, i told myself not to do nip pick on things, after all i am staying there unwelcome.

I dont understand him at all, if he really doesn't want me to be there, why did he say yes? I asked him why, and his response is because when there's someone in need of help, he wants to help when he is able to. And with the fact that he have a free room to offer, and he is able to, he wants to help.

He says that he is helping out of his pure kindness and nothing else, this doesn't mean he have feelings for me, it doesn't mean he wants the relationship back, all itmeans is that he is just being nice, not because he feels obligated.

And that i shouldn't take his niceness in as anything else.

But how can i not? Being in a relationship with him for the past 9 month, and now I have to move on, yet i am living under his roof, (or was) and was being taken cared of by his mom. Through all and all, him keeping me company at night and you know, talking to me, staying up watching arrested development on Netflix with me. There is just so much that we did together, although not as couple, but its tempting to make me want to go back to how we were before.

its true that I'd rather have his kindness and the way he was treating me than the cold treatment he had gave the first day, but then I am beginning to question maybe he is right to believe that cold treatment would've been nicer. It would've definately shoot me down a lot faster, and bring me less hope than i have now.

After all, we had sex, and kissed. You don't just kiss and say you have no affection towards that person. Pablo said he doesn't feel anything and that if anything it's his hormones mostly, what the hell am i suppose to say? Am i suppose to be like let me check to see if that's the case?

 On the last night, the night where he dropped me off, we were in the car talking and hanging till late, 4am to be exact.

And through those time, we held hands, we kissed and we had sex. Everything seemed like the way it was before we broke up, and he told me that he doesn't want to try again (yes I can't believe I asked again) he said that it is better for the both of us in the long run. And that he doesn't want to get physically, emotionally involved, and that he just doesn't trust me.

I want to tell him this time is different, i want to earn his trust again, and tell him that I understand his priorities now and that things will be different. that we learned from things, and we are able to change, and i told him that i can wage anything on this, to say that this time around it would work because of all of that.

but he said, this is why he didn't want to get close to me, to give me the hope of getting back together when we are not. he said that even just spending this week with me, he didn't sleep well, eat well, and he just haven't been productive etc. And I know it's true, because I was the one who dragged him on, because i told myself that if this is the last few days i am going to spend with him, i might as well make him stay up with me, because the selfish me wants to spend more times with him before i can't spend any more time with him. And he even was late for work because of my presence (although it was from his temptation that lead him to being late to work in the first place).

But all in all, he said that he was still physcially attracted to me, and that's why we were still able to have sex, but that emotionally he isn't.

What the hell is that suppose to mean.

I want to know how he feels at this point, i want to know what he is thinking and everything, but i feel like it will be useless and the chances are, he doesn't feel the same way for me as i feel for him, if i feel anything for him.

I am conflicted I don't even know how the hell I am suppose to feel right now. 

Morning Oral

Last night when he came back, it got a bit awkward because of what happened right before he left for the soccer game.

We never really talked about it after his hormones gone down, so when we finally sat in the same room and talked about it, it got weird.

He told me, “Jenny, I need to talk to you.”

Then he continues the sentence with, “Sorry,”

He pushes the friends for benefit thing off of the table, but then again we were all drained and out of hormones to deal with our desires if we had any at the moment.

“I took advantage of you and your emotions when I shouldn’t have, and I am sorry”

He pauses a bit and then continues, “this is wrong, and its not healthy, its not right for you, that I am just taking advantage of your feelings for me for my sexual pleasure”

When girls hear things like that I mean they should feel good because the guys actually realizes what they’re doing ( I mean sure it’s after he finished that he realized all that but hey better than never right).Better late than never.

But I didn’t want that, I liked what we had and wouldn’t mind continuing it.

I don’t know if it was the fact that we’re not suppose to be doing it that is getting my heart racing, or just my horny hormones in general, but the original feelings I had for him were long gone. In fact it was when he left for the soccer game that I was still shaking in shock of what happened and other half of me confused.

In some senses it felt like how it felt when we first started hugging each other a year ago, heck the only difference is we already dated.

So what if I never had feelings for him and all the feelings I had were just urges and the need for someone to be there?

It’s a scary thought in the long run, but what if I never loved him, and he never loved me and we just thought that the feelings we had were love when it really wasn’t love to begin with.

I know what I had with my first love was definitely love, sure there were hormones involved but I had a thing for him for 7, 8 years nonstop. Something I didn’t have with anyone else.

The scary thought got to me while I was dining too, what the hell did I put myself through the past year?

Heck did I even love the last boyfriend I had before this one?

Did I ever love? Or are they all just feelings I have fabricated and none of them were actually real? What if they were just all hormones and all that?

So anyways the night ended with this can’t ever happen again and that he was sorry about what he did and all.

But then the next morning, right when I thought all of this were gonna be over, he came into the room to wake me up to eat breakfast because he had to go to work and couldn’t prepare my food and so he wanted me to watch the soup and prep it myself.

Then I reeled him in, well not really, just grabbed his hand because he was trying to shake me while I am half asleep.

And strangely, he leaned over and let me pull him. And slowly he got onto the bed right next to me. The Twin size bed.

And from there I hugged him initially, and it led to almost what happened yesterday.

He kept repeating, “I hate you” even though let’s admit it, he doesn’t

Appearantly he said he saw my boobs earlier and it was my fault that got him all like that, but the half asleep me have definitely nothing to do with it. Come on, I was half asleep, his wondering eyes got to see my cleavage, oh I am sorry for having some, its not like I purposely pop em out and be like here it is.

From him originally rushing because he was going to head off to work, to him being on bed, not wanting to go to work anymore because of his sexual desire, and because of what his penis is telling him, its kind of interesting to see how weak men really are when it comes to things like this.

I mean nothing besides snuggling happened, and then 2 minutes before we left, he said, “I will kiss you but then after we really have to get up.”

Haha bad idea, of course it led to wanting to stay longer, but anyways when we finally got up and headed to the kitchen and started prepping food, and was on a wheel chair while he was standing. So my head was the same height to his waist, and of course you guessed it, a bit of oral happened.

So much for promise me that this is not going to happen again. We all know we are bad with those kind of promises.

He even said something that surprised me, “I mean you have one more day here, we might as well make the best of it with that day left.”

Never expected him to say that.

Humans have their desires that aren’t going to be fulfilled that easily.

But I pushed him out to actually leaving for work because girls have more self control than guys when it comes to these things, weirdly enough.

He changed and left.

I thought you know maybe  after he left he is going to get a good shake and realize what happened was wrong and you know stop there, but then when he got to work he texted me that, “My boss isn’t even here….We could have “delayed traffic” a little longer (-___-)” because when he said he was late for work, I told him to tell his boss that there was delayed traffic.

But I never expected him to text me that when he was at work.

I thought you know it would hit him, but then again if our sexual tension isn’t released I guess it’s really hard to make much of a right decisions.

We will see where it goes from here. I will keep my digital journal updated since I have nothing much else to do anyways.