Never masturbate before sleeping, that's something I learned the hard way I guess.
Freaking weird as hell dreams before waking up.
From dreaming about missing the 626 night market because I apparently slept for one who day and missed it, and I guess everyone else missed it too.
To dreaming about Jessica coming over and cleaning out the fridge with me, and I guess from there somehow I had a baby in my arms, and the baby became mine all of a sudden, I guess I had it or something. And it was a baby that never cries, just laughs.
I guess somehow that was Pablo and my baby, and I guess we were driving and I wasn't sure if I was going to tell Pablo about our kid.
And we just ended up driving in a corvette for a while.
Then the dream turned differently to a whole different setting I guess we were at Taiwan and going through the LAX of Taiwan, and then it was a school trip and Pablo was in another white guy blond hair's body, I guess he did something and had his body switched, but then I don't know why, even though I know its Pablo there, I said that "it's okay I like your old asian self"(like was I thinking of daniel?) But then anyways he let me hug him, which was the warmest thing in the world. Nothing else mattered when he let me hug him, nothing else mattered.
Theres this random kid fromt he neitherland that apparently was smarter than his age and according to him in his country they don't go through grade by age, but instead by intelligence
God what the hell weird dreams.....
The baby one though, made me really wish I did have a baby to care for, although I didn't know what to do or how to deal with the baby, it gave me a sense of life, a sense of purpose to live. It was calm when I held him in my arms.
Showing posts with label confused. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confused. Show all posts
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Saturday, August 8, 2015
First date after breakup
Going off of where I left off yesterday
I went on a date single date with this guy named Thomas (and no, if you have read any of my other posts, you would know that I never use other people's real name, or nearly almost don't, so we could easily say that Thomas isn't his real name either. I know, shocker)
Sure I had fun on the date, but it was simply fun. I really didn't cared much on half of the things he had on his plate, or talked about. It was completely different from when I was with Pablo.
This morning I kept thinking about the past, kept thinking about my date with Thomas, and thought about how selfish I am of a person.
I know I don't like Thomas that way, but I still continued to talk to him.
I made it clear to him that I didn't want a relationship, I don't want the bullshit of boyfriend and girlfriend.
I was hurt once, and I don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to pour my heart out there, just for it to be scarred again.
We're supposing on "friendship" basis, and going on dates to dates basis considering there's a second date coming in about two days. But I can't help but hate myself for putting myself in the situation I am in right now.
I don't care about Thomas, I don't care about the stories he shares, and the things he complain about. Meanwhile I love to hear about Pablo's every single tiny detail complains. I know this may sound crazy and all, but this definately gives you a sign that you shouldn't be continuing to go on a date with someone if you're not even intesrsted in the things they say.
I don't understand how Thomas is still sticking his nose into my life despite the fact that I been nothing but cold to him.
He'd text many texts, and ask if I want food here and there, at least once a day, and he'd ask if he can drop by to see me everyday, and we aren't even dating or anything.
Then I get scared, thinking....
What if this was Pablo and mine relationship before?
What if Pablo's completely lost his feelings for me? Then what's the point of me trying to force him back when he doesn't feel anything for me? It'd just be shooting myself on the knee.
But then if he still had some feelings for me somewhere in him, then that's a completely different story.
But then I will never be able to hear the complete truth or know how he truly feels about me, after all if I did in the beginning we wouldn't be where we are today.
====
I mean honesty how terrifying is it to be loved by someone so much, but you don't love them back? The feeling isn't mutual, so how can you live with that?
For some, maybe it's easy to live like that, because they're used to being care for, or perhaps money reasoning, and to them money value is more important than love.
But for others, just being able to be pampered and treated like a princess is enough, no need for real love, where it might risk getting hurt, and etc.
At the end of the day, just how much do true love worth in society?
At the end of the day, just how much do feelings and emotions worth in society?
At the end of the day, I begin to doubt humanity. Because people do judge by looks, people do percieve others, and try to gain advantage of others.
What do I get? What's the benefit of me doing this? What am I going to get out of that?
I went on a date single date with this guy named Thomas (and no, if you have read any of my other posts, you would know that I never use other people's real name, or nearly almost don't, so we could easily say that Thomas isn't his real name either. I know, shocker)
Sure I had fun on the date, but it was simply fun. I really didn't cared much on half of the things he had on his plate, or talked about. It was completely different from when I was with Pablo.
This morning I kept thinking about the past, kept thinking about my date with Thomas, and thought about how selfish I am of a person.
I know I don't like Thomas that way, but I still continued to talk to him.
I made it clear to him that I didn't want a relationship, I don't want the bullshit of boyfriend and girlfriend.
I was hurt once, and I don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to pour my heart out there, just for it to be scarred again.
We're supposing on "friendship" basis, and going on dates to dates basis considering there's a second date coming in about two days. But I can't help but hate myself for putting myself in the situation I am in right now.
I don't care about Thomas, I don't care about the stories he shares, and the things he complain about. Meanwhile I love to hear about Pablo's every single tiny detail complains. I know this may sound crazy and all, but this definately gives you a sign that you shouldn't be continuing to go on a date with someone if you're not even intesrsted in the things they say.
I don't understand how Thomas is still sticking his nose into my life despite the fact that I been nothing but cold to him.
He'd text many texts, and ask if I want food here and there, at least once a day, and he'd ask if he can drop by to see me everyday, and we aren't even dating or anything.
Then I get scared, thinking....
What if this was Pablo and mine relationship before?
What if Pablo's completely lost his feelings for me? Then what's the point of me trying to force him back when he doesn't feel anything for me? It'd just be shooting myself on the knee.
But then if he still had some feelings for me somewhere in him, then that's a completely different story.
But then I will never be able to hear the complete truth or know how he truly feels about me, after all if I did in the beginning we wouldn't be where we are today.
====
I mean honesty how terrifying is it to be loved by someone so much, but you don't love them back? The feeling isn't mutual, so how can you live with that?
For some, maybe it's easy to live like that, because they're used to being care for, or perhaps money reasoning, and to them money value is more important than love.
But for others, just being able to be pampered and treated like a princess is enough, no need for real love, where it might risk getting hurt, and etc.
At the end of the day, just how much do true love worth in society?
At the end of the day, just how much do feelings and emotions worth in society?
At the end of the day, I begin to doubt humanity. Because people do judge by looks, people do percieve others, and try to gain advantage of others.
What do I get? What's the benefit of me doing this? What am I going to get out of that?
First Wet Dream?
I had the weirdest fucking dream ever.
I took an nap because I slept this whole past month and ruined my sleeping pattern, but anyways.
I dreamed about meeting Pedro somewhere, and I guess what turned from seeing him, led to hug that he didn't really reject, and from there I guess he drove me to his house?
And his mom was in the car too? And I don't know what happened, but anyways...
We were at his guest room, when all of a sudden Jessica called me and asked me if I wanted to hang at the bar that she works at, and I said no, that I couldn't make it. Pedro and his mom were sitting by the floor on the side of the bed, and just stared at me while I am on the phone. And I guess from there, his mom disappeared and things escalated to just me and him in the room. And somehow we got closer as I hugged him, he didn't push me away.
From there on forward, he said that he'd take me back at 5 o/clock because I had to go see Jessica?
I told him I got myself excused and it was okay, so we pushed it to 6 as we kissed. And the scene changed to us being in the back seat of the car, driving up the 110 to pasadena from LA.
And there were a lot of curve, but then some how we continued, with no drive in the front, but somehow the car kind of controlled itself as we started humping each other, mebeing ontop of his lap. Oh god. from time to time he'd lean forward and move the steering wheel but then yeah.
And i finished before him, but that was when we reached the end of the freeway and I woke up....
I woke up and was like WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.
I never really had an actual sex dream, so for this to be the first time, and out of no where, it scared the fuck out of me.
Haven't masturbated for about 2 weeks now, maybe the first time after 2 weeks without masturbating or sex leads me to having these weird dreams?
God damn it alf
What were everyone else's first wet dreams I wonder
And this is considered a wet dream right?
I took an nap because I slept this whole past month and ruined my sleeping pattern, but anyways.
I dreamed about meeting Pedro somewhere, and I guess what turned from seeing him, led to hug that he didn't really reject, and from there I guess he drove me to his house?
And his mom was in the car too? And I don't know what happened, but anyways...
We were at his guest room, when all of a sudden Jessica called me and asked me if I wanted to hang at the bar that she works at, and I said no, that I couldn't make it. Pedro and his mom were sitting by the floor on the side of the bed, and just stared at me while I am on the phone. And I guess from there, his mom disappeared and things escalated to just me and him in the room. And somehow we got closer as I hugged him, he didn't push me away.
From there on forward, he said that he'd take me back at 5 o/clock because I had to go see Jessica?
I told him I got myself excused and it was okay, so we pushed it to 6 as we kissed. And the scene changed to us being in the back seat of the car, driving up the 110 to pasadena from LA.
And there were a lot of curve, but then some how we continued, with no drive in the front, but somehow the car kind of controlled itself as we started humping each other, mebeing ontop of his lap. Oh god. from time to time he'd lean forward and move the steering wheel but then yeah.
And i finished before him, but that was when we reached the end of the freeway and I woke up....
I woke up and was like WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.
I never really had an actual sex dream, so for this to be the first time, and out of no where, it scared the fuck out of me.
Haven't masturbated for about 2 weeks now, maybe the first time after 2 weeks without masturbating or sex leads me to having these weird dreams?
God damn it alf
What were everyone else's first wet dreams I wonder
And this is considered a wet dream right?
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