Never masturbate before sleeping, that's something I learned the hard way I guess.
Freaking weird as hell dreams before waking up.
From dreaming about missing the 626 night market because I apparently slept for one who day and missed it, and I guess everyone else missed it too.
To dreaming about Jessica coming over and cleaning out the fridge with me, and I guess from there somehow I had a baby in my arms, and the baby became mine all of a sudden, I guess I had it or something. And it was a baby that never cries, just laughs.
I guess somehow that was Pablo and my baby, and I guess we were driving and I wasn't sure if I was going to tell Pablo about our kid.
And we just ended up driving in a corvette for a while.
Then the dream turned differently to a whole different setting I guess we were at Taiwan and going through the LAX of Taiwan, and then it was a school trip and Pablo was in another white guy blond hair's body, I guess he did something and had his body switched, but then I don't know why, even though I know its Pablo there, I said that "it's okay I like your old asian self"(like was I thinking of daniel?) But then anyways he let me hug him, which was the warmest thing in the world. Nothing else mattered when he let me hug him, nothing else mattered.
Theres this random kid fromt he neitherland that apparently was smarter than his age and according to him in his country they don't go through grade by age, but instead by intelligence
God what the hell weird dreams.....
The baby one though, made me really wish I did have a baby to care for, although I didn't know what to do or how to deal with the baby, it gave me a sense of life, a sense of purpose to live. It was calm when I held him in my arms.
Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Saturday, August 8, 2015
First date after breakup
Going off of where I left off yesterday
I went on a date single date with this guy named Thomas (and no, if you have read any of my other posts, you would know that I never use other people's real name, or nearly almost don't, so we could easily say that Thomas isn't his real name either. I know, shocker)
Sure I had fun on the date, but it was simply fun. I really didn't cared much on half of the things he had on his plate, or talked about. It was completely different from when I was with Pablo.
This morning I kept thinking about the past, kept thinking about my date with Thomas, and thought about how selfish I am of a person.
I know I don't like Thomas that way, but I still continued to talk to him.
I made it clear to him that I didn't want a relationship, I don't want the bullshit of boyfriend and girlfriend.
I was hurt once, and I don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to pour my heart out there, just for it to be scarred again.
We're supposing on "friendship" basis, and going on dates to dates basis considering there's a second date coming in about two days. But I can't help but hate myself for putting myself in the situation I am in right now.
I don't care about Thomas, I don't care about the stories he shares, and the things he complain about. Meanwhile I love to hear about Pablo's every single tiny detail complains. I know this may sound crazy and all, but this definately gives you a sign that you shouldn't be continuing to go on a date with someone if you're not even intesrsted in the things they say.
I don't understand how Thomas is still sticking his nose into my life despite the fact that I been nothing but cold to him.
He'd text many texts, and ask if I want food here and there, at least once a day, and he'd ask if he can drop by to see me everyday, and we aren't even dating or anything.
Then I get scared, thinking....
What if this was Pablo and mine relationship before?
What if Pablo's completely lost his feelings for me? Then what's the point of me trying to force him back when he doesn't feel anything for me? It'd just be shooting myself on the knee.
But then if he still had some feelings for me somewhere in him, then that's a completely different story.
But then I will never be able to hear the complete truth or know how he truly feels about me, after all if I did in the beginning we wouldn't be where we are today.
====
I mean honesty how terrifying is it to be loved by someone so much, but you don't love them back? The feeling isn't mutual, so how can you live with that?
For some, maybe it's easy to live like that, because they're used to being care for, or perhaps money reasoning, and to them money value is more important than love.
But for others, just being able to be pampered and treated like a princess is enough, no need for real love, where it might risk getting hurt, and etc.
At the end of the day, just how much do true love worth in society?
At the end of the day, just how much do feelings and emotions worth in society?
At the end of the day, I begin to doubt humanity. Because people do judge by looks, people do percieve others, and try to gain advantage of others.
What do I get? What's the benefit of me doing this? What am I going to get out of that?
I went on a date single date with this guy named Thomas (and no, if you have read any of my other posts, you would know that I never use other people's real name, or nearly almost don't, so we could easily say that Thomas isn't his real name either. I know, shocker)
Sure I had fun on the date, but it was simply fun. I really didn't cared much on half of the things he had on his plate, or talked about. It was completely different from when I was with Pablo.
This morning I kept thinking about the past, kept thinking about my date with Thomas, and thought about how selfish I am of a person.
I know I don't like Thomas that way, but I still continued to talk to him.
I made it clear to him that I didn't want a relationship, I don't want the bullshit of boyfriend and girlfriend.
I was hurt once, and I don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to pour my heart out there, just for it to be scarred again.
We're supposing on "friendship" basis, and going on dates to dates basis considering there's a second date coming in about two days. But I can't help but hate myself for putting myself in the situation I am in right now.
I don't care about Thomas, I don't care about the stories he shares, and the things he complain about. Meanwhile I love to hear about Pablo's every single tiny detail complains. I know this may sound crazy and all, but this definately gives you a sign that you shouldn't be continuing to go on a date with someone if you're not even intesrsted in the things they say.
I don't understand how Thomas is still sticking his nose into my life despite the fact that I been nothing but cold to him.
He'd text many texts, and ask if I want food here and there, at least once a day, and he'd ask if he can drop by to see me everyday, and we aren't even dating or anything.
Then I get scared, thinking....
What if this was Pablo and mine relationship before?
What if Pablo's completely lost his feelings for me? Then what's the point of me trying to force him back when he doesn't feel anything for me? It'd just be shooting myself on the knee.
But then if he still had some feelings for me somewhere in him, then that's a completely different story.
But then I will never be able to hear the complete truth or know how he truly feels about me, after all if I did in the beginning we wouldn't be where we are today.
====
I mean honesty how terrifying is it to be loved by someone so much, but you don't love them back? The feeling isn't mutual, so how can you live with that?
For some, maybe it's easy to live like that, because they're used to being care for, or perhaps money reasoning, and to them money value is more important than love.
But for others, just being able to be pampered and treated like a princess is enough, no need for real love, where it might risk getting hurt, and etc.
At the end of the day, just how much do true love worth in society?
At the end of the day, just how much do feelings and emotions worth in society?
At the end of the day, I begin to doubt humanity. Because people do judge by looks, people do percieve others, and try to gain advantage of others.
What do I get? What's the benefit of me doing this? What am I going to get out of that?
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Confliction on the path to take.
I want to say I forgot about him, I want to say I have already given up, already put all my hopes away in a jar, and want to leave it all alone, but I can't. He always holds a special spot in my heart. and it's something I can't just erase from my heart. Sure I numbed my feelings for him, but I feel like my body did that for self protection because of how much it's handled this month, all the shock, all the constant hurt it's been getting, it just closed itself up.
However just because it did that doesn't mean I don't miss him. It was after hanging with Cindy, made me realize, I love him. Sure my heart doesn't butterfly for him, I don't get those cute couple feelings I get in the beginning, but I want to try, I want to not give up, I want to prove to him that this is going to work, and make him trust me. I want to earn his trust, I want to open up his heart again to me. I want him to give us another shot, another chance. I want him to believe in me, believe that this time is going to be difference and am willing to risk it all.
It's already too late. His determined, and now with school starting and everything it's going to be harder for him to say yes to something that he have set his mind to since a month ago.
Who am I to say anything anymore.
Maybe I am the only one who's still giving hope to this that never had a hope to begin with. Maybe I am just being dumb.
If he gave up, if he already let go of the last of hopes, who am I to say anything. My opinion wouldn't matter unless there is the two of us agreeing on something.
I realized a bit last week that we are all human, therefore rules can be bent, what is said could be change. Because we are all human, we have feelings, we have emotions, and that tend to change things. From what was originally a never to do thing, it became a we're going to do once thing, and from there it became a we're going to do just one more, to we should stop but didn't, to this is the last time because we won't be seeing each other again.
Human nature change over time, and reaction to certain things change over time, and of course the way things turn out could change too.
I don't know as of now whether should I be holding onto hopes, or letting go of my hopes. I am scared holding on to hopes will only lead me to disappointments, but I am such a hopeful person, it's impossible to not try to think of the bright side of things.
He is someone who I can talk about anything with, who listens. Although he isn't a great wall because he tend to say dumb things at times, but I do appreciate his presence.
What if nothing works? Then I don't just forever lose a boyfriend but a best friend who I shared everything with. I lose the person who I could've showed my change to, to prove to. The person I cared so much about and the person who makes me the happiest. I really don't need him to be there all the time, I don't need his time, I don't need him to prioritize anything in front of me, but I just don't want to lose him in my life. I understand he have other things in his life that is more important, and I am never going to make him choose between his education or career over me, because look how terrible last year turned out. I want to gain his trust again from the basis, and show him the difference I can make and make him believe in me. But he won't even listen or take anything in I say. And he have this whole mindset that this is better for the both is us in the long run, and everything is just going to go back and he is going to have an emotional toll and etc. but if he had to block me out of his life, and from time to time pain from this break up, then why are we both paining from something when we can potentially make it work? I don't know
I don't understand why I am emotional in the morning when normal people get emotional at night. Something's wrong with me.
However just because it did that doesn't mean I don't miss him. It was after hanging with Cindy, made me realize, I love him. Sure my heart doesn't butterfly for him, I don't get those cute couple feelings I get in the beginning, but I want to try, I want to not give up, I want to prove to him that this is going to work, and make him trust me. I want to earn his trust, I want to open up his heart again to me. I want him to give us another shot, another chance. I want him to believe in me, believe that this time is going to be difference and am willing to risk it all.
It's already too late. His determined, and now with school starting and everything it's going to be harder for him to say yes to something that he have set his mind to since a month ago.
Who am I to say anything anymore.
Maybe I am the only one who's still giving hope to this that never had a hope to begin with. Maybe I am just being dumb.
If he gave up, if he already let go of the last of hopes, who am I to say anything. My opinion wouldn't matter unless there is the two of us agreeing on something.
I realized a bit last week that we are all human, therefore rules can be bent, what is said could be change. Because we are all human, we have feelings, we have emotions, and that tend to change things. From what was originally a never to do thing, it became a we're going to do once thing, and from there it became a we're going to do just one more, to we should stop but didn't, to this is the last time because we won't be seeing each other again.
Human nature change over time, and reaction to certain things change over time, and of course the way things turn out could change too.
I don't know as of now whether should I be holding onto hopes, or letting go of my hopes. I am scared holding on to hopes will only lead me to disappointments, but I am such a hopeful person, it's impossible to not try to think of the bright side of things.
He is someone who I can talk about anything with, who listens. Although he isn't a great wall because he tend to say dumb things at times, but I do appreciate his presence.
What if nothing works? Then I don't just forever lose a boyfriend but a best friend who I shared everything with. I lose the person who I could've showed my change to, to prove to. The person I cared so much about and the person who makes me the happiest. I really don't need him to be there all the time, I don't need his time, I don't need him to prioritize anything in front of me, but I just don't want to lose him in my life. I understand he have other things in his life that is more important, and I am never going to make him choose between his education or career over me, because look how terrible last year turned out. I want to gain his trust again from the basis, and show him the difference I can make and make him believe in me. But he won't even listen or take anything in I say. And he have this whole mindset that this is better for the both is us in the long run, and everything is just going to go back and he is going to have an emotional toll and etc. but if he had to block me out of his life, and from time to time pain from this break up, then why are we both paining from something when we can potentially make it work? I don't know
I don't understand why I am emotional in the morning when normal people get emotional at night. Something's wrong with me.
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