Saturday, July 25, 2015

The last of the last; confliction.

The Last Message via Facebook

It's finally over, finally done, our last goodbye, and this time I am sure of it.
All this time, this past few months before our break up, I always thought that I didn't love him anymore, but it was through this month of losing him, and getting through all the confusion that made me realize something, that even though my heart was numb for him, I still loved him very much. And it hurts extremely much.

All the sex we had, and all the jokes we made, the times we spent together was enough for me to fall for him again. I finally understood why he wanted to keep his distance.
I finally understood why he'd rather be mean to me than to express his kindness in any sort. I finally understood why when I initially started staying at his house, he pushed me away and isloated me in the room by myself rather than keeping me company, because he knew that by staying there it'd only trigger unnecessary memories, and unnecessary pain.
He is doing well off without me, he is able to keep on track, work out and hangout with his friends at his own free time, he get to take on control of his life again. Something I'd always throw him off of his track because of my personality and how when I want something I'd have to get it attitude.
Throughout this week where we spent together, from Monday night to Friday morning/Thursday night it was unforgettable. We went from barely touching to having sex in the car as our last good bye. He said that he doesn't have feelings for me, and that he feels bad after we have sex because he feels like he is taking advantage of me, but then the thing is that I don't know how I feel about him, for a minute i could feel like I don't have feelings for him, and in another minute it feels like my heart is racing when he is around. I am not sure if it's the hormones that is doing the trick or what not, but its really confusing.
I want to know how he feels, I want to feel what he feels so I know how and what to do.
I found his journal the other day while he was at work, because he didn't really hide it well, but then there was an entry that he recently wrote, an entry that he wrote a day before I went to his house again. I assumed he wrote it after i texted him asking if i could stay over again.
Here's what he wrote:
"It's not fair, I don't want her to stay. I am an independent man who does whatever he wants whenever he wants too. She just can't leave me alone. The stress just gets to me. It's like I'm dating her all over again and its not fair. I can barley write about this!!! its not fair. Okay I'm done."
Then follow by a bunch of pen shading and i guess angry slashes.
when i read it, it got to me, perhaps he was tired of me, tired of the relationship and there is no hope. when i stayed at his house, i told myself not to do nip pick on things, after all i am staying there unwelcome.
I dont understand him at all, if he really doesn't want me to be there, why did he say yes? I asked him why, and his response is because when there's someone in need of help, he wants to help when he is able to. And with the fact that he have a free room to offer, and he is able to, he wants to help.
He says that he is helping out of his pure kindness and nothing else, this doesn't mean he have feelings for me, it doesn't mean he wants the relationship back, all itmeans is that he is just being nice, not because he feels obligated.
And that i shouldn't take his niceness in as anything else.
But how can i not? Being in a relationship with him for the past 9 month, and now I have to move on, yet i am living under his roof, (or was) and was being taken cared of by his mom. Through all and all, him keeping me company at night and you know, talking to me, staying up watching arrested development on Netflix with me. There is just so much that we did together, although not as couple, but its tempting to make me want to go back to how we were before.
its true that I'd rather have his kindness and the way he was treating me than the cold treatment he had gave the first day, but then I am beginning to question maybe he is right to believe that cold treatment would've been nicer. It would've definately shoot me down a lot faster, and bring me less hope than i have now.
After all, we had sex, and kissed. You don't just kiss and say you have no affection towards that person. Pablo said he doesn't feel anything and that if anything it's his hormones mostly, what the hell am i suppose to say? Am i suppose to be like let me check to see if that's the case?
 On the last night, the night where he dropped me off, we were in the car talking and hanging till late, 4am to be exact.
And through those time, we held hands, we kissed and we had sex. Everything seemed like the way it was before we broke up, and he told me that he doesn't want to try again (yes I can't believe I asked again) he said that it is better for the both of us in the long run. And that he doesn't want to get physically, emotionally involved, and that he just doesn't trust me.
I want to tell him this time is different, i want to earn his trust again, and tell him that I understand his priorities now and that things will be different. that we learned from things, and we are able to change, and i told him that i can wage anything on this, to say that this time around it would work because of all of that.
but he said, this is why he didn't want to get close to me, to give me the hope of getting back together when we are not. he said that even just spending this week with me, he didn't sleep well, eat well, and he just haven't been productive etc. And I know it's true, because I was the one who dragged him on, because i told myself that if this is the last few days i am going to spend with him, i might as well make him stay up with me, because the selfish me wants to spend more times with him before i can't spend any more time with him. And he even was late for work because of my presence (although it was from his temptation that lead him to being late to work in the first place).
But all in all, he said that he was still physcially attracted to me, and that's why we were still able to have sex, but that emotionally he isn't.
What the hell is that suppose to mean.
I want to know how he feels at this point, i want to know what he is thinking and everything, but i feel like it will be useless and the chances are, he doesn't feel the same way for me as i feel for him, if i feel anything for him.
I am conflicted I don't even know how the hell I am suppose to feel right now. 

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