I want to say I forgot about him, I want to say I have already given up, already put all my hopes away in a jar, and want to leave it all alone, but I can't. He always holds a special spot in my heart. and it's something I can't just erase from my heart. Sure I numbed my feelings for him, but I feel like my body did that for self protection because of how much it's handled this month, all the shock, all the constant hurt it's been getting, it just closed itself up.
However just because it did that doesn't mean I don't miss him. It was after hanging with Cindy, made me realize, I love him. Sure my heart doesn't butterfly for him, I don't get those cute couple feelings I get in the beginning, but I want to try, I want to not give up, I want to prove to him that this is going to work, and make him trust me. I want to earn his trust, I want to open up his heart again to me. I want him to give us another shot, another chance. I want him to believe in me, believe that this time is going to be difference and am willing to risk it all.
It's already too late. His determined, and now with school starting and everything it's going to be harder for him to say yes to something that he have set his mind to since a month ago.
Who am I to say anything anymore.
Maybe I am the only one who's still giving hope to this that never had a hope to begin with. Maybe I am just being dumb.
If he gave up, if he already let go of the last of hopes, who am I to say anything. My opinion wouldn't matter unless there is the two of us agreeing on something.
I realized a bit last week that we are all human, therefore rules can be bent, what is said could be change. Because we are all human, we have feelings, we have emotions, and that tend to change things. From what was originally a never to do thing, it became a we're going to do once thing, and from there it became a we're going to do just one more, to we should stop but didn't, to this is the last time because we won't be seeing each other again.
Human nature change over time, and reaction to certain things change over time, and of course the way things turn out could change too.
I don't know as of now whether should I be holding onto hopes, or letting go of my hopes. I am scared holding on to hopes will only lead me to disappointments, but I am such a hopeful person, it's impossible to not try to think of the bright side of things.
He is someone who I can talk about anything with, who listens. Although he isn't a great wall because he tend to say dumb things at times, but I do appreciate his presence.
What if nothing works? Then I don't just forever lose a boyfriend but a best friend who I shared everything with. I lose the person who I could've showed my change to, to prove to. The person I cared so much about and the person who makes me the happiest. I really don't need him to be there all the time, I don't need his time, I don't need him to prioritize anything in front of me, but I just don't want to lose him in my life. I understand he have other things in his life that is more important, and I am never going to make him choose between his education or career over me, because look how terrible last year turned out. I want to gain his trust again from the basis, and show him the difference I can make and make him believe in me. But he won't even listen or take anything in I say. And he have this whole mindset that this is better for the both is us in the long run, and everything is just going to go back and he is going to have an emotional toll and etc. but if he had to block me out of his life, and from time to time pain from this break up, then why are we both paining from something when we can potentially make it work? I don't know
I don't understand why I am emotional in the morning when normal people get emotional at night. Something's wrong with me.
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