Insecurities and trust

I don't understand, I don't understand at all.

I was so sure that my feelings for Pablo have faded, so sure that there was nothing left anymore but painful memories, but it still hurts somewhere inside when thinking about him. This emptiness, the desire to want to hold his hands, to want to feel again, and want to talk to him is killing me on the inside. This feeling and urge of want comes at random time. The urge of wanting to see him or talk to him, it comes with lots of different emotions in which I don't even understand myself.

I love him a little too late, I loved him when I lost him. Who the hell does that? I didn't know how much he meant to me until I lost him, classic.

I should've known the first three times we broke up. I should've listened, should've realized.

The happiness I had back in January when we got back together, that very night when we made out in the car after he agreed to give it another try, I told myself that I'd have to remember this forever, this feeling, this happiness, and not let anything get to me again and cause arguement. I need to rememeber that feeling. But overtime I forgot, I was stupid.

How the hell did we get here?

Flashbacks on all the memories we had, I can only remember the happy ones, what is wrong with me.

It pains so much, can someone please take it all away? Can someone please save me from this place?

Tonight I was on Netflix and I watched TheBest of Me (IMDb). 

It's a movie based on Nicholas Sparks' book, The Best of Me.

It's a movie about a love who was separated due to terrible fate, and moved on to different path, but was eventually after led back together after over 10  some years due to fate, but only to be separated again, but this time by death. It's a modern Romeo and Juliet.

It's a true tragic, but it was a really good movie, makes me want to buy the book even though I know I am not going to read it.

Anyways, the movie got me thinking a lot, that maybe in the future we'd get a chance, Pablo and I, to get back together, meet again in the path of life. But then what are the risks? Him getting married, him finding a girlfriend who he thinks he loves, or perhaps me getting with someone who I don't truly love but settles for?

Sometime during the 9 month of the relationship we had together, I'd question myself, why am I still with him when I can settle for better? Why am I with him when he doesnt seem like he cared all that much, but the true question was, why was he still with me when I don't seem to be caring all that much. I am just a emotional wreck, someone who needs to tone their hormones down, and calm their emotions down.

I hate to break it to myself, but what if how I feel about Timmy is just exactly how Pablo feels about me but maybe stronger? The thought of that scared me a little, because after the first date, I realized I had no feelings for him, how terrfying is it to go on a date, and hold someone's hand that you don't really love, your heart doesn't truly beat for, and all you see is friendship?  Timmy is a guy who asked me out on a date recently, and I agreed, thinking that it'd help me move on, sure when I was with him, I didn't think much about the sadness, we joked and talked. I try to enjoy the moments as much as I can, we laughed, we cuddled, we kissed at the end of the date. But I didn't have any feelings, sure there may be simple attraction, like oh he's good looking, but when we kissed, there were no sparks. I didn't long for a hug like I longed for Pablo's hug when I first started with Pablo.

The feeling I had when I kissed Pablo, even after we broke up, I thought what was originally just the hormones was actually not just hormones. When Pablo and I kissed, my heart rate rose, I thought it was just me getting excited because I was getting turned on, but what if I was turned on because somewhere inside I still have feelings for him but I just hide it so well and am in denial for it because I been hurted so much?

I don't know how Pablo feels when we had break up sex, nor how he felt when we first hugged or kissed, how the kiss was, how everything was, whether or not he felt anything at all, or to him I was just a hole he'd hump, but I can tell you although after sex, there were not much attraction after because we released all our hormones, what was shown in the initial beginning isn't nothing.

Was it just comfort and memories? I'd ask myself that, Or was there more? I want to find out, I want to prove to Pablo that we can do better than before, that there was still something there, it may be small and detached from the rest of his emotions because he chose to place it away and lock it, but I want to show him that I won't pain him like I did before, make him worry and give him emotional tolls. I know I can't see the future, because honestly who the hell can? I want to trust him, I want him to trust me.

Yesterday when I was having one of those anxiety attacks because my thoughts just got to me, I realized something. I kept doubting him so much, keep questioning him so much that I end up making him question me too. Trust is a mutual thing, and how do I expect him to trust me when I question his care all the time.

"You don't care about me"

"You don't care about me enough"

"Fine just go talk to other girls"

"Wrong girlfriend"

There are more than 1000 things I said that just isn't comfortable in general. Things I shouldn't be even saying in a relationship that I trust.

What rights do I have in getting mad at him when I question all his actions? Why am i so insecure in our relationship? Because we never had  a good foundation? Because I think things will be taken away from me? Because I am just a paranoid person who is insecure a lot like him?

He and I are alike in many ways, and that is one of them. We never sat down to work on it, instead, we just tell each other, who we can and can't hang out with, instead we just keep building on that insecurity, building onto that.

True Change, Burning of all old wishes. Starting a new

I want to forget about him, I really do. I whole heartedly want to let go, want to forget want to move on. But when I truly think about him the pain just won't stop. I never treated him right, but I really miss him a lot.
I loved him, I never realized I loved him so much until I finally lost him, until he finally pushed me away. Until I no longer deserve him.
It's way too late to beg for forgiveness, for another chance. For I have used up all my chances, if there was a fairy god mother, I used her up already on all the stupid wishes.


The wishes I am burning from the past, and undoing
"I wish William would turn back around and tell me he still loves me and gives "us" another chance. And talk to me again on fb/phone."
"I wish I would soon find my real and true happiness in life and have the courage to go after it."
"Would it be selfish of me to say "I wish William and Hannah would break up, and have William love me instead"
"I wish I don't get pregnant until I am married. Especially not now.  Please let me have my period this month 7/10/2014"
"I wish that Alfonso will choose to get back into the relationship with me before winter break ends. Please I promise I'll treat him right this time."
"I wish Eduardo Zamora would truely tell me how he feels about me, or at least give me an super obvious sign!"
"I wish Alfonso will hurt me no more, for I promise to be a good girlfriend, I will stop with my sarcasm, jokes, and hurtful comments for hopes of exchange that he ends or try to limit as much friendship with emmanuel carrasco (mannie)"
"I wish I will be able to find the one. the one for me. And be w/ him forever and ever."
"I wish Alfonso Mares will truly love me and let go of his friendship with Mannie because he cares for me and doesnt want to make me feel insecure, threatened, and hurt."
"I wish Danny would one day realize and regret breaking up w/ me :( 7/2/14"
"I wish I can get my period by the end of this week 8/17/14 not pregnant"

So I initiated something today. I took out all the wishes I made in the stars I folded that I had in a jar. I wanted to get rid of all of them, and start over. No more evil wishes, no more wishing for other's unhappiness. I truly want to change, and change for the better, no more evil wishes that only benefits me but not others, no more wishes that I will not commit to, no more of anything anymore. I want to be true to myself, I want to be true to others. I want to change for the better, no more taking benefits off of others, I need to be more considerate of others, and truly change.

This break up is a wake up call, I need to better myself, I need to be the better version of who I am and make people see that.

If you look at all the wishes I had up there, they were all evil wishes, or selfish wishes, or wishes I said I'd do something else in return, but I end up not doing anything. I cannot live like that anymore, I can't live not by my words. Being fakely faithful, being fake, being the bad person behind the scene that no one sees.

I want to be the true nice, and kind person that others sees, the one that I can look in the mirror and nod and approve. The person I can truly face, because all my current actions, all the things I done are nothing but lies and dishonesty.

If I expect people to give me chances, I need to show them I am worthy of chances, that I am willing to take the longer way out than taking the short cut.

I am sick and tired of myself of how I am and who I am. I grew up selfishly, everything is just me, me and me. There is never others in my eyes unless it benefits me. I cannot live that way. I just can't.

It takes me 20 years to realize all the evil I have done, well, then let me live the next 20 years trying to change for the better, and give back to the society. No matter if my ex will see it, no matter if my ex will come back to me or not, I am not doing it just for him, but also myself, for my future.

Whatever happens from here on now, I will take full on responsibility for. I will try to be as honest as possible, I will try to be a better person, and go on from there. Although there is already a little white lie I have told that have to be continued to tell for a while, but besides that I am willing to give up myself and everything else for my ex to come back and give me another chance.

Things to do/work on before school starts

Things to do/work on before school starts:

1. Temper/Patience

2. Anger management

3. Emotional Control

4. Hormone Control

5. Sarcasm/Passive Aggressive

6. Appreciation

7. Step in other’s shoes

9. Being in denial

10. Stop playing the victim

11. Relationship Commitments/Commitments in general

12. Reassurance

13. Be considerate of others/Selfishness

14. Fix family problem

15. Clean your room

16. Filter what you say/Think before talking

17. Fix friendships

18. Do you

19. Don’t over think things/Stay positive

Priorities:

1. Do you
2. Filter what you say/Think before talking
3. Step in other’s shoes
4. Anger management
5. Emotional Control
6. Temper/Patience
7. Sarcasm/Passive Aggressive
8. Appreciation
9. Being in denial
10. Be considerate of others/Selfishness
11. Clean your room
12. Fix family problem
13. Fix friendships
14. Stop playing the victim
15. Don’t over think things/Stay positive
16. Relationship Commitments/Commitments in general
17. Reassurance
18. How can I be missing one?

Anyways, the above will be things I will be working on now that I am single. It's really not like I am going anywhere anyways. I always, I always let my emotion get the best of me, even this morning when I woke up emotional and all, I ended up sending the stupidest text ever to my ex. What was I trying to get out of it? I have no idea. Sometimes I just really want to slap myself and ask what the hell I am doing. 

He freaking doesn't want anything to do with me and I am here trying to stick my nose into his ass like a obsessed ex girlfriend I am, and the worst part is once the emotional self of me wore off I don't even know what the fuck I was doing when I first did it.

It was filled with meaning, filled with tears, but afterwards I am all like what the hell just happened. This happens when we were in a relationship too, when I was with my ex. I let the emotion get the best and worst of me, and end up sending messages I don't end up meaning, say things I later regret. Thinking that I am better now, I am no where better than I was before. No wonder he didn't want anything to do with me, thinking that things will go back to the way it was before. This is all too freaking insane. 

I haven't even checked my messages, I feel like if I do, I am just going to regret it very much because his response can't be anymore freaking warm than it was before. And I really don't need unnecessary coldness more than I have already, I don't even know what the hell I am doing and how I am going to do what I was thinking of doing tomorrow.
Whatever time to face the hell I leashed out.
4:47pm ^
=========
And yup, as it turns out his message reply is cold as hell. As expected from a break up master who wants to keep himself away.

Hey, I know this is weird, but don't worry about me going to the pixel movie day. I won't be showing up, I have a test so it's not the best idea for me to go anyways.

But I wasn't worried....


Did I do something that makes it seem that way? Iono whatever happens happens, I guess it's not weird for you to text that. This morning waking up, I wanted to text you, text you and tell you how terrified I am. Scared of going for the follow up, scared what the doctor will say. Sad that while others have their support, someone to hold their hands into the clinic, or someone they'd be able to share the sad news to and weep on and I'll be walking and facing it all alone, pretending to smile like I'm okay and force myself not to break down, and smile when they ask again am I sure I don't have any emergency contact. How alone and terrifying it is, and all I can do is cry at the corner of my bed right now. Nightmares after nightmares, drama after drama. I want to be strong, but it's all too much. How dumb is it to say I really miss the dumb wall for being there to listen to my problems, keep telling me it's safe to share, and patiently listened and simply just to be there when I was truly in need of someone then. The only person I'd ever truly trust that much, make me feel safe to share things I keep the deepest to myself that I can barely even face, now I don't even know if I have the privilege in talking to him or if he's willing to listen, or would it just make him hate me for budgeting into his life again. I don't know, to think I have faced so much things alone, that I'd be okay this time around. But I'm not. It may sound really dumb but Alfonso, I'm really scared. I don't want to go. I can't.....

Just go, you'll be okay. Listen to the doctor and take care of yourself. Other than that tell me how much the bill was and I'll spot you half of it

=====
as expected from you alf, always overdone yourself.
good luck on your test on friday. 
and I am sorry I am finally releasing your name out into the public, but with the look of things, and how nobody reads this blog anyways, the chances of anyone seeing this, or even you finding this will be rare. 

Define Relationship

Written on 7/26/2015
Isn't that just what relationship is?
The want of being with someone, the desire of wanting to be around a certain person. Sure there isn't always going to be a butterfly feeling in your stomach, sure there isn't going to always be heart skipping moments. But someone at the end of the day you're comfortable talking to, someone who you are willing to care for, and be kind to, and understanding unconditionally.
Someone who you're willing to risk everything for.
Someone who you'd sacrifice to and for.
Love isn't always intense, it is sometimes calm, sometimes just that fulfilling feeling of knowing that they're there.
I felt that the past two weeks, the we had been through that phase. And it felt nice, I don't know how he felt about it, I don't know whether or not he enjoyed it, but I really did. Perhaps he was bothered by it.
I really want to get him to open his heart to me again, and be willing to try again.
I know he doesn't want to deal with the emotions again, I know he doesn't want to deal with me anymore.

Confliction on the path to take.

I want to say I forgot about him, I want to say I have already given up, already put all my hopes away in a jar, and want to leave it all alone, but I can't. He always holds a special spot in my heart. and it's something I can't just erase from my heart. Sure I numbed my feelings for him, but I feel like my body did that for self protection because of how much it's handled this month, all the shock, all the constant hurt it's been getting, it just closed itself up.
However just because it did that doesn't mean I don't miss him. It was after hanging with Cindy, made me realize, I love him. Sure my heart doesn't butterfly for him, I don't get those cute couple feelings I get in the beginning, but I want to try, I want to not give up, I want to prove to him that this is going to work, and make him trust me. I want to earn his trust, I want to open up his heart again to me. I want him to give us another shot, another chance. I want him to believe in me, believe that this time is going to be difference and am willing to risk it all.
It's already too late. His determined, and now with school starting and everything it's going to be harder for him to say yes to something that he have set his mind to since a month ago.
Who am I to say anything anymore.
Maybe I am the only one who's still giving hope to this that never had a hope to begin with. Maybe I am just being dumb.
If he gave up, if he already let go of the last of hopes, who am I to say anything. My opinion wouldn't matter unless there is the two of us agreeing on something.
I realized a bit last week that we are all human, therefore rules can be bent, what is said could be change. Because we are all human, we have feelings, we have emotions, and that tend to change things. From what was originally a never to do thing, it became a we're going to do once thing, and from there it became a we're going to do just one more, to we should stop but didn't, to this is the last time because we won't be seeing each other again.
Human nature change over time, and reaction to certain things change over time, and of course the way things turn out could change too.
I don't know as of now whether should I be holding onto hopes, or letting go of my hopes. I am scared holding on to hopes will only lead me to disappointments, but I am such a hopeful person, it's impossible to not try to think of the bright side of things.

He is someone who I can talk about anything with, who listens. Although he isn't a great wall because he tend to say dumb things at times, but I do appreciate his presence.

What if nothing works? Then I don't just forever lose a boyfriend but a best friend who I shared everything with. I lose the person who I could've showed my change to, to prove to. The person I cared so much about and the person who makes me the happiest. I really don't need him to be there all the time, I don't need his time, I don't need him to prioritize anything in front of me, but I just don't want to lose him in my life. I understand he have other things in his life that is more important, and I am never going to make him choose between his education or career over me, because look how terrible last year turned out. I want to gain his trust again from the basis, and show him the difference I can make and make him believe in me. But he won't even listen or take anything in I say. And he have this whole mindset that this is better for the both is us in the long run, and everything is just going to go back and he is going to have an emotional toll and etc. but if he had to block me out of his life, and from time to time pain from this break up, then why are we both paining from something when we can potentially make it work? I don't know

I don't understand why I am emotional in the morning when normal people get emotional at night. Something's wrong with me.

Day 3 after everything

Waking up early in the morning to a nightmare again, to losing him. Haven't had a nightmare like that for a while, haven't had a nightmare like that for two weeks now, and suddenly having it again really is putting a toll on me, on my morning emotions, and wake up routine.
I want to give up so badly, I want to let go, I want to move on. My feelings for him are numb, but then the memories forbid me to move on. The new set of memories I created with him along with the old ones that were put on hold.
I hate the feeling. Maybe going back the second time waasn't a good idea. Perhaps he was right about getting closer, that we shouldn't have gotten that much closer, just because of how much more painful it was pulling myself apart from him again.
I want to know how he is doing, and if he is struggling just like I am, or is he doing better than me?
He have a actual job, actual hobby, things to work on, and summer school while I am just stuck at home thinking about the same thing over and over. No wonder it's killing me way more than its killing him.
I remember when Daniel and I first broke up (my second boyfriend, the one before this one), I had other things to do, college, and etc to keep my core focus away from the pain. Sure there was pain, but it didn't sink that deep within. I remember crying at school that day when he let go of me after a fight, saying that he couldn't take it anymore. Which now thinking about it, is similar to what Pablo said (my most current ex).
That night when we spoke to 4am, he told me that he had a limit and the relationship way exceeded his limit, and he doesn't want to deal with it anymore. I regret every moment of me taking advantage of him. I regret a lot of things, knowing that I shouldn't have done it, but I let my emotion get the best of me, and ultimately losing him.
I don't want to live this way, live in a life where I can't control my emotions, let it run loose and get the worst of me. I want to be able to keep those who I truly value around, and I want to do it before it's too late, because I lose anymore people I treasure.
I dislike my personality, and how I value things way differently than they should be valued. I don't realize their value until I lose them. Reading back to my other entries of my digital journal, it made me realize something, that it's always when I am on the edge of losing Pablo that I write a letter of regret or something along the line. It's not right.
Human nature, we are never satisfied, we are greedy creature who always want to have more, always want the better end of the stick, and just always compare ourselves to others at time. Its something that comes to us naturally, and it makes me sick that I am like that. I should be satisfied with what I have rather than keep comparing to the nonexistence.
When I was with Pablo, I keep comparing my relationship with my past even though clearly they're over. I keep thinking to myself, that I can always go back to my old relationship if this one fails, that at least Daniel does this, Pablo doesn't even do that. But in reality, I didn't realize how much that was hurting me mentally and hurting the relationship. That kind of thoughts shouldn't even be approved to have in the first place.
Number one, I don't even love Daniel, I don't even want to be in a realtionship with him in the first place, so why I am even thinking that, and telling myself I can always go back to him. Sure he will take me anytime because he is single and did want me back at some point. He is a easy target if I just want to land back to a stage before. But I knew clearly I didn't want that, so why was I thinking that?
Number two, Daniel was a rebound that I ended up spending 2 years of my life with, sure we had our good times, but I never truly had feelings for him like I had with Pablo or Wilson (lets say that was my first boyfriend's name).
Number three, are you dating Daniel right now? No. So how the hell do you know if he can and will do it better than Pablo. What the hell was I even thinking at the time? I have no idea.
I remember when I was dating Daniel, I did the similar thing and thought about Wilson. I tend to live in the past a little too much, leading to a lot of argument because I think I am not treated the way I was suppose to be treated.
I was a spoiled bum when it comes to being in a relationship because I always get what I want when I want it. And with Pablo letting me, it just makes it way easier to take advantage of him without noticing, which is something I wanted to slap myself in the face for. I can't believe I didn't see it. How uncomfortable I was when Daniel was demanding me to do things, how uncomfortable when I feel like a lot of times I am forced against my will, and have no voice or say in things. Yet when I am in a relationship with Pablo, I did exactly what Daniel did to me. Barely leaving him room to breath.

When you hold someone too tight, barely leaving them room to breathe, you will only end up losing them in the process. 

 I want to do anything in my power to get him back, but then he doesn't want back into this relationship in particular because of all the bad its done was way over the goods. He lost his feelings for me, lost the feeling of love for a while, he thought if he tried hard enough he could perhaps get it back, or perhaps be happy, or perhaps we would be happy, but that didn't last long because of how I am and how this relationship was structured.
It didn't have a good foundation to begin with, we escalated way too quickly, and without first or second date, we went straight base after base after the first kiss. And it didn't take long for home run to happen when usually in dating it should be the opposite. He emphaised on that a lot, because that was the main thing that led to this distrust. Because according to him if I can move that fast with him, then that must mean I can move that fast with anyone, but he was the only one who I ever was comfortable in moving that fast with.
This is weird that I only just realized this right now as I am typing, but I was comfortable with everything since the beginning. Sure in the beginning it was a bit weird, and scary because it was all new, but then I wasn't uncomfortable like how I was when I was with Daniel.
Yesterday I was on the phone with my friend who was interning at Washington DC (3 hour difference, yet she stayed on the phone with me till 1am, which over there was 4am, thank you. let's call her Ida) While being on the phone with Ida I realized that I was never comfortable with the idea of sex when I was with Daniel. When we first had it, I wasn't mentally or physcially ready, and througout the relationship, i dont think I was ever ready. Sure there were hormones in me that got me want to do things, but never sex with him. Maybe it's just my memories fabricating on me, but I was never so willing and so comfortable in something like sex until I met Pablo.
Why are all these realization hitting me so late in life, way too late to achieve anything anymore. It's just like humans realize they're ruining the earth a few billion years too late even though they knew what they were doing and what the consequences were.
Like what do you mean cutting trees kills life, kills bioamosphere, and cause more CO2 in the environment, and green house gases. What do you mean we are low on tree and oxygen production? What do you mean that we are all going to die because of the lack of trees? So you're telling me that making paper kills trees?
Dumb logic people don't start analyzing until late, I mean yeah sure it beats never realizing it, but it doesn't make it better realizing it all this late.
I think humanity and their thinking process is stupid. I mean its beautiful, but sometimes stupid, or maybe just mine.

The last of the last; confliction.

The Last Message via Facebook

It's finally over, finally done, our last goodbye, and this time I am sure of it.

All this time, this past few months before our break up, I always thought that I didn't love him anymore, but it was through this month of losing him, and getting through all the confusion that made me realize something, that even though my heart was numb for him, I still loved him very much. And it hurts extremely much.

All the sex we had, and all the jokes we made, the times we spent together was enough for me to fall for him again. I finally understood why he wanted to keep his distance.

I finally understood why he'd rather be mean to me than to express his kindness in any sort. I finally understood why when I initially started staying at his house, he pushed me away and isloated me in the room by myself rather than keeping me company, because he knew that by staying there it'd only trigger unnecessary memories, and unnecessary pain.

He is doing well off without me, he is able to keep on track, work out and hangout with his friends at his own free time, he get to take on control of his life again. Something I'd always throw him off of his track because of my personality and how when I want something I'd have to get it attitude.

Throughout this week where we spent together, from Monday night to Friday morning/Thursday night it was unforgettable. We went from barely touching to having sex in the car as our last good bye. He said that he doesn't have feelings for me, and that he feels bad after we have sex because he feels like he is taking advantage of me, but then the thing is that I don't know how I feel about him, for a minute i could feel like I don't have feelings for him, and in another minute it feels like my heart is racing when he is around. I am not sure if it's the hormones that is doing the trick or what not, but its really confusing.

I want to know how he feels, I want to feel what he feels so I know how and what to do.

I found his journal the other day while he was at work, because he didn't really hide it well, but then there was an entry that he recently wrote, an entry that he wrote a day before I went to his house again. I assumed he wrote it after i texted him asking if i could stay over again.

Here's what he wrote:

"It's not fair, I don't want her to stay. I am an independent man who does whatever he wants whenever he wants too. She just can't leave me alone. The stress just gets to me. It's like I'm dating her all over again and its not fair. I can barley write about this!!! its not fair. Okay I'm done."

Then follow by a bunch of pen shading and i guess angry slashes.

when i read it, it got to me, perhaps he was tired of me, tired of the relationship and there is no hope. when i stayed at his house, i told myself not to do nip pick on things, after all i am staying there unwelcome.

I dont understand him at all, if he really doesn't want me to be there, why did he say yes? I asked him why, and his response is because when there's someone in need of help, he wants to help when he is able to. And with the fact that he have a free room to offer, and he is able to, he wants to help.

He says that he is helping out of his pure kindness and nothing else, this doesn't mean he have feelings for me, it doesn't mean he wants the relationship back, all itmeans is that he is just being nice, not because he feels obligated.

And that i shouldn't take his niceness in as anything else.

But how can i not? Being in a relationship with him for the past 9 month, and now I have to move on, yet i am living under his roof, (or was) and was being taken cared of by his mom. Through all and all, him keeping me company at night and you know, talking to me, staying up watching arrested development on Netflix with me. There is just so much that we did together, although not as couple, but its tempting to make me want to go back to how we were before.

its true that I'd rather have his kindness and the way he was treating me than the cold treatment he had gave the first day, but then I am beginning to question maybe he is right to believe that cold treatment would've been nicer. It would've definately shoot me down a lot faster, and bring me less hope than i have now.

After all, we had sex, and kissed. You don't just kiss and say you have no affection towards that person. Pablo said he doesn't feel anything and that if anything it's his hormones mostly, what the hell am i suppose to say? Am i suppose to be like let me check to see if that's the case?

 On the last night, the night where he dropped me off, we were in the car talking and hanging till late, 4am to be exact.

And through those time, we held hands, we kissed and we had sex. Everything seemed like the way it was before we broke up, and he told me that he doesn't want to try again (yes I can't believe I asked again) he said that it is better for the both of us in the long run. And that he doesn't want to get physically, emotionally involved, and that he just doesn't trust me.

I want to tell him this time is different, i want to earn his trust again, and tell him that I understand his priorities now and that things will be different. that we learned from things, and we are able to change, and i told him that i can wage anything on this, to say that this time around it would work because of all of that.

but he said, this is why he didn't want to get close to me, to give me the hope of getting back together when we are not. he said that even just spending this week with me, he didn't sleep well, eat well, and he just haven't been productive etc. And I know it's true, because I was the one who dragged him on, because i told myself that if this is the last few days i am going to spend with him, i might as well make him stay up with me, because the selfish me wants to spend more times with him before i can't spend any more time with him. And he even was late for work because of my presence (although it was from his temptation that lead him to being late to work in the first place).

But all in all, he said that he was still physcially attracted to me, and that's why we were still able to have sex, but that emotionally he isn't.

What the hell is that suppose to mean.

I want to know how he feels at this point, i want to know what he is thinking and everything, but i feel like it will be useless and the chances are, he doesn't feel the same way for me as i feel for him, if i feel anything for him.

I am conflicted I don't even know how the hell I am suppose to feel right now.